Communication Difficulties.

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I find it hard to communicate orally, but I am very fluent in writing. I can speak, but I find it extremely difficult to keep up with a conversation and get my point across. When I speak (especially to someone that doesn't understand my difficulties), I often get ignored, talked over, looked at in an odd way, or I get comments like "I don't understand what you're saying". My friend (who also has AS), mostly understands me, but I think that's because he's used to me. My dad often tells me off a bit for talking "about the wrong things", or that other people won't like me saying those things.

I have to put colossal amounts of effort into talking and tbh I try the reduce speaking to the point that I'm heading towards non-verbal. I would be better off communicating by text.

Questions: why do I have this difficulty? Should I force myself to talk to people, even if it hurts mentally?

I couldn’t talk properly until after six years old, before then one of my repetitive behaviours would be to sing songs that I liked to myself, over and over again. I know putting words and sentencing together is structured, it’s not as delicate on the mind as a repetitive motion such as singing. If you are not too shy with yourself, sing anytime you are alone, I believe the practice of been vocal might help you in the long run.

My mind speeds up and slows down depending what stress I’m enduring, sometimes I can’t speak at all. I also feel more at home expressing myself with pen and paper. Your mannerism with what you say to people will improve over time.

What I've generally heard as a recommendation for people who its hard enough to communicate verbally that its very unpleasant for them, is that they should make sure to communicate verbally enough that they won't lose any skills, but be comfortable swapping to another form of communication for primary communication.

I see no problem reducing speech.

Thanks for the good advice, I will give it a try.

I have this problem too. I would be more on the AS side where even though I technically have good language skills, I often can't translate it into an effective conversation with someone. I am getting better at making it effective over the years, but it is still exhausting and I have to limit how many conversations I have each day.

I would always rather e-mail. But I've gotten in big trouble too many times for this. People think I'm being rude even though I don't think I am. So I have to limit e-mail too, or when I do e-mail I have to add extra feel-good fluff to it so people don't think I'm being rude. Even that doesn't always work.

I also have the problem where I can't break into a conversation, or even if I do, I get ignored. I'm always either interrupting people or I cant break into the conversation. Often I stand there trying to identify a time that I can break in without interrupting. Then someone says, "you look like you want to say something. dude, if you want to say something, say it!!" (which doesn't exactly make me feel good ether, though most (but not all) of the time they are well-intentioned.

Maybe one day I can figure out how to explain the very aspects that have helped me make progress over the years. Right now I can only say "practice," which isn't very helpful, especially since many people may be in a bit deeper with the Aspergers symptoms than I am, and they may not feel that "practice" is going to do anything for them at all.

I find it ironic--

I've been told that the reason I can't break into a conversation is that I'm not showing in my face and body language that I have something to say to the group.

But I'm obviously showing it -- otherwise I would not hear, "dude you look like you have something you really want to say!" all the time.

(and note, I'm not saying this in the spirit of complaining, like I have been known to do. I am rather being very analytical about this.)

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Edit: This was actually meant as a comment in another post.

Last edited by b_edward on 18 Oct 2013, 4:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was nearly nonverbal for several months (after a really prolonged meltdown two years ago). I could only speak in single or occasionally two words at a time. If I wanted to say a sentence, it seemed too tiring so I would say a single word instead. My thinking was it would be like a keyword, and what I meant to say would be understood. Instead it sounded random and I was told to stop talking until I could speak more words.

I used to get overloaded so quickly. When I am upset, I often cannot speak until calm so I choose to write (if am not too frustrated as I write slowly), use my tablet or just wait it out.

I wouldn't necessarily say you have to keep practicising speech. I've heard of at least one autistic person who, when she gave up on trying to speak altogether, showed a dramatic reduction in her rate of overload and an improvement in other skills. Sometimes speech just isn't worth it for some people.

Thanks for the responses.

I think I will have to speak less, as for the past few days I have rarely talked and I haven't had a meltdown.

Sorry to those that are saying I should try to speak. I just cannot cope with conversation anymore.

I am worried that if I force the speech, I could start having more meltdowns. When I've been put in situations which require a lot of speaking over a week, I have daily meltdowns. not having a meltdown for 4 days is a great improvement.

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How do I get it across to NTs that speaking hurts my brain? Ideally I would like to communicate by email / text as opposed to a meeting or a phone conversation.

Maybe you can just state it outright. Something along the lines of "sometimes I have difficulty with verbal speech and would prefer to communicate with e-mail/text. I am telling you this because I don't want you to be offended."

I am NT and I personally wouldn't be offended if someone came to me and said something like this.. Hope that helps

I agree.

I felt a little bad after saying what I said, because after thinking about it, "practicing" with the expectation that something is going to change, probably does more harm than good.

I've been practicing certain techniques and experimenting with them for years and years, with some improvement. But this was a personal choice for me, and it definitely has been costly in terms of meltdowns. And given that no two people are the same, I can completely agree that for many (most?) it is exactly the opposite of a productive thing to do.

Also note, I definitely make a conscious effort to reduce the frequency of how often I speak to people. So we are definitely more in agreement than it may otherwise appear.

Please, nobody take my original advice unless you are sure that it is the right path for you to take.

RMTmommy,

As for me, when I have tried that, it has not gone over very well. In the circles I've been involved in (professionally, church responsibilities, etc.) there seems to be this pattern of people telling me, well, you want to e-mail, but guess what, it's not a good idea. We simply need to talk about it in person. If you disagree, come talk about it in person and we can discuss it. (a little tongue-in-cheek there, on my part, of course.)

(Discuss means that we talk about it until you fall in line and do what you're told.)

I've always hoped that there are some groups who are a little more open to it, so I hope that may work for others better than it has for me.

Just because you prefer to communicate by text doesn't mean you're going to be any more effective at it or any less offensive to others. In fact, when others cannot hear your inflections, it's much easier for them to 'read in' things that are not what you meant and get offended over nothing. I feel much more articulate communicating through the keyboard, but often the direct approach is more succinct and effective.

If part of your problem is that you're too brutally honest and openly discuss things NT humans usually skirt around, that's not going to happen less, until you make a conscious effort to filter or censor yourself. Uncomfortable or not, if you're going to survive in the NT world, you simply have to develop adequate verbal communication skills and that only comes (for us) with practice and trial and error. You have to screw up repeatedly to learn what NOT to do, but keep trying and one day it will just come naturally. That doesn't mean you'll be a master, but you'll function well enough to get by.

It may be less stressful for you to communicate through other means, but the world hates mimes, so unless you are medically mute, they will expect you to speak. Just as you can't build muscles without stressing them to their capacity, some stress is good for you. It makes you stronger.

Honestly, over the years I've learned to do those conversational things that don't come naturally to Aspergians - like how to jump into an existing conversation without being lost in the babble - and still, in most cases, I CHOOSE not to do so, because the topics that NT people prattle on about are simply too puerile to warrant comment from me. If you're going to hold a job and wander about in the wide world, though, you have to equip yourself even if it's uncomfortable to do so. You may not pick it all up overnight, but it's not all that hard, it just takes time and practice.

I think you should push yourself to talk, but that doesn't mean force yourself. Also look for who will actually listen as a kind and patient person who tries is not the same as a rushed person expressing annoyance as if you are purposely trying to be difficult. Don't waste your time trying with those people! And if they object to your email and you want to respond, innocently say "oh, I didn't want to get us both frustrated and thought you found that easier. It will take time, but I'm happy to talk about it with you if you want. Is that what you want?"

You will probably hear back that no, the person is perfectly ok with whatever you are most comfortable with once you push back that you are trying to be comfortable and to avoid their getting frustrated, otherwise they are committing to listening and spending time trying to understand you instead if just criticizing.

Your post describes people being rude. They undoubtedly feel justified because of some notion you aren't doing your part to communicate. If you are doing your part, some will change their ways with understanding. And some won't. But successful communication us very satisfying, and involves the other person making an effort too. You sound like you're fried from doing too much, I hope you find some people who will try as hard as you have been to communicate.

Thank you everyone, I have decided I will try to talk when I know there won't be any small talk.

Good news: I had an extremely long sleep after taking extra meds and I think it "reset" my brain a bit. I feel refreshed and a bit more able to talk, even if I am strange when I talk.

I think I went through a shutdown, but now I've decided to keep trying with conversation.

Sorry if I upset anyone.

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Sometimes taking a break is all you need. If its overwhelming for you right now don't do it bc it will only make you feel worse.

I would find someone you trust who is a good communicator to role play with you bc then you get immediate feedback which is best. Alex has some videos you could watch as well which are good. I think it works best to just start out gradually in smaller groups with less duration. What you are doing now could be equivalent to running a marathon when you have trouble running a mile.

The most important thing is self compassion.