Love, Death and Feelings[

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I'm NT and dating an AS guy......I wanted to see If all AS people think the same as my BF about Love and death.
My BF says when his father died he felt no emotion (which i expected) And didn't not mourn (expected) But doesn't miss him at all.
He says when his mum or sister die he will not mourn or miss them too (expected after his father).
He says he misses his dead cat more than his father.
He says If he was with someone who he loved for years, if they split up or died, he would 'get over them' in a few weeks and start another relationship. He says when he "loves' someone he means it in that moment but if the relationship ends it ends too.
My question is how can someone say they "Love' someone but forget about them days later? Is an Aspie 'Love" anything like a NT love?
Is this where the whole lack of or limited emotions/feelings comes in to it?
Or is it just his trait?
Love to hear from you to see what anyone else 'feel's or 'loves' like?

I can't relate to your boyfriend's lack of emotion at all, and I have AS.

When my father died I felt a heap of emotion, I mourned, and I miss him all the time.
When my mum or sister die I will mourn and miss them too.
I don't miss my dead cat anywhere near as much as I miss my dad.
It took me a very long time to 'get over' someone who I split up with after loving them for years.
A relationship might end BECAUSE the love has ended, but it isn't a given that love will just go away along with the ending of a relationship.

Hope that helps.

I'm the opposite, when someone I know dies I get extremely emotional...it is difficult for me to get over. I have seen some people on this forum post that they feel the same way as your boyfriend does, but it never made sense to me...I don't see how you could feel so little over something so big. My best friend died 2 years ago, and I still think about him now and again.

I think some people can switch it on and off much like Data in Star Trek with his emotion chip.

I would definitely mourn horribly if someone I love dies. I believe that death itself is completely natural, as is the mourning process that follows.

If I were in a relationship and it ended abruptly (not by death), then I would probably not have an emotional reaction because if someone and I were to seperate, I would (metaphorically) burn all emotional bridges with them. That might not be healthy, but it seems a better short-term alternative to dealing with heartbreak.

Thanks for all your replies! It seems there are many different ways a person with AS deals with love, death and feelings!
It's great to get a mix of reactions/examples! Thanks again! :0)

Maybe he's lying.

Maybe consciously he sees expressing his emotions or crying in front of others as a sign of weakness or it is exposing himself. Maybe he doesn't want to admit he would be really upset if his mom died.



I'm like this in some way. I woudn't cry in front of people (unless my momma died) and I definitely woudn't admit I cried. Plus most guys don't like to express their emotions that much. We're not women, we don't talk about our feelings to each other.

I have AS and I'm pretty emotional. Hell, I've been so depressed the past 3 weeks that I managed to cry so much I stopped producing tears....and it's on account of a heart so broken the only comparison is Alderaan ( you know, the planet Darth Vader used to demonstrate the Death Star's capabilities... ).

This probably isn't as simple as "he's an aspie, so just has no emotions" (or much less emotions than NTs). Yes, he probably is less emotional than most people, if he says that, but consider a few other factors.

1) What is his relationship really like with the people he's talking about? I wouldn't care if my father died, either. It would make no difference to me. I have no relationship with him. But if it was someone I was in a relationship with - yes, I'm pretty sure I'd get emotional about that.

2) Different things trigger emotions for different people and aspies can be different to NTs here. Some people on WP have said that they get more emotional about objects than people. This is a case of "differently emotional" rather than "less emotional". And as for cats... well, they seem to have a special place among aspies! I can definitely identify with that. When I had to give away my cat about a year ago I actually cried. I mean, not just a few sobs here and there, but properly cried. To put this in context, I hadn't cried for about 13 years up to that point - and the stuff I've gone through during that time would have made most men cry.

3) He may not accurately estimate just how emotional he'll get about some event unless he's experienced something very similar in the past. So he says he'll quickly get over a loved one dying, but has he gone through that? If not, he might be more affected by it than he thinks.

I only knew a couple people who died but I didn't have a close relationship with them; one was my grandma & another was a friend who I had a falling out with years ago, there's a couple other people but I wasn't close with them. I didn't mourn & kind of accepted they died. I am emotional but I don't express positive emotions that much especially with people I'm not emotionally close to thou I am pretty affectionate with my girlfriend & was with my exes. I don't think I would grieve that much if my parents died but we never had a close relationship. I'd feel awful if my girlfriend died but I doubt I'd grieve like most people. Some of us Aspies have kind of a mental block that can prevent us from feeling certain emotions; we go through kind of a shutdown phase instead. I experienced something like that after me & my 2nd girlfriend broke up. I loved her alot but we had some incompatibility problems. I was giving her space & not talking to her the week before she broke up with me so she could focus on her school work more. I was at least a little desperate when she was breaking up with me but after it was over I didn't feel that bad maybe because I kind of saw it comming. On the contrast when me & my 1st girlfriend broke up I was emotionally unstable which was some of why we broke up & I fell into a psychotic depression & was kind of hung-up on things about her & the breakup for like 7 years & got over it when I got my 2nd girlfriend & I was obsessed with her till she broke up with me.

""""]Maybe he's lying.
Maybe consciously he sees expressing his emotions or crying in front of others as a sign of weakness or it is exposing himself. Maybe he doesn't want to admit he would be really upset if his mom died.
I'm like this in some way. I woudn't cry in front of people (unless my momma died) and I definitely woudn't admit I cried. Plus most guys don't like to express their emotions that much. We're not women, we don't talk about our feelings to each other.""""

He actually is very honest, maybe too honest at times ! LOL!! But I love that about him because I know exactly what it what most of the time!
He does cry infront of me, when he has an extreme meltdown and he cries when he's feeling low too.
His dad died 5 years ago and he showed no emotion at all. He fell out with his sister for 2 years over it until she found out he had AS and did some research.
It's so interesting to see so many different experiences! Thanks for your reply!

""""1) What is his relationship really like with the people he's talking about? I wouldn't care if my father died, either. It would make no difference to me. I have no relationship with him. But if it was someone I was in a relationship with - yes, I'm pretty sure I'd get emotional about that.

2) Different things trigger emotions for different people and aspies can be different to NTs here. Some people on WP have said that they get more emotional about objects than people. This is a case of "differently emotional" rather than "less emotional". And as for cats... well, they seem to have a special place among aspies! I can definitely identify with that. When I had to give away my cat about a year ago I actually cried. I mean, not just a few sobs here and there, but properly cried. To put this in context, I hadn't cried for about 13 years up to that point - and the stuff I've gone through during that time would have made most men cry.

3) He may not accurately estimate just how emotional he'll get about some event unless he's experienced something very similar in the past. So he says he'll quickly get over a loved one dying, but has he gone through that? If not, he might be more affected by it than he thinks.["""""

Some VERY interesting points! He has said if he hasn't experienced it before then he does not know how to ""feel'' it so that may explain part of it and his relationship with his mother/dad were not good either, infact they ridicouled him for most of his young life!
Thanks for your reply! It has given me more or maybe a better way of understanding him a little better!

"""I only knew a couple people who died but I didn't have a close relationship with them; one was my grandma & another was a friend who I had a falling out with years ago, there's a couple other people but I wasn't close with them. I didn't mourn & kind of accepted they died. I am emotional but I don't express positive emotions that much especially with people I'm not emotionally close to thou I am pretty affectionate with my girlfriend & was with my exes. I don't think I would grieve that much if my parents died but we never had a close relationship. I'd feel awful if my girlfriend died but I doubt I'd grieve like most people. Some of us Aspies have kind of a mental block that can prevent us from feeling certain emotions; we go through kind of a shutdown phase instead. I experienced something like that after me & my 2nd girlfriend broke up. I loved her alot but we had some incompatibility problems. I was giving her space & not talking to her the week before she broke up with me so she could focus on her school work more. I was at least a little desperate when she was breaking up with me but after it was over I didn't feel that bad maybe because I kind of saw it comming. On the contrast when me & my 1st girlfriend broke up I was emotionally unstable which was some of why we broke up & I fell into a psychotic depression & was kind of hung-up on things about her & the breakup for like 7 years & got over it when I got my 2nd girlfriend & I was obsessed with her till she broke up with me""""

Another great reply! It goes to show it depends on each individual ""situation" in most cases! Thanks for your insight! Much appreciated!