Could really use some advice (rumination)

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Hello wrongplanet community,

My mum was diagnosed with AS last year and I am in the process of being diagnosed myself. I would love some advice from people who have had similar experiences:

I recently finished 'Aspergirls' and found it very relatable. In particular, when i am stressed I bring up and fixate on times where I have been wronged or when someone else has been wronged.

My little sister and I are very different people. She is impulsive whereas I am reserved and well-planned. Almost a year ago she tried to sleep with a friend of mine, which really upset me because I just dont understand her behaviour at all. The image of her with him burns my mind whenever I am stressed. I never want to think of it again, but I just cant stop.

This image has been a dominant one, but other thoughts (e.g friends that have betrayed me) come up and I can end up thinking about them for days until my mind is distracted.

Im sorry if this is disjointed, i'm feeling very stressed and upset atm and just want to hear from other people who have the same experiences...

Thank you for reading

Welcome to WP!

Wish I could relate more, but I generally focus these days on the concrete problems of my life rather than on others' past misdeeds.

However, when I feel like the problems are too overwhleming, which has happened quite a bit recently, I do my best to distract myself from them by focusing on one or more of my special interests and engaging in some constructive escapism until I'm able to deal with the problems I'm facing without being completely overwhelmed and breaking down.

Since you mentioned that you have these thoughts until you're distracted, perhaps you should try distracting yourself by immersing yourself in one of your areas of interest.
Just an idea.

Hope you feel better.

no you are definitely not alone.

a few day ago i broke up with my BF.
Then his old boss gave me a side job, i thouhyt threw his business but intead it was a favor for an old lday next door who'd just had double carpal t unnel surgery. bottom is, making mimium wage here, i should have cleared around 200 dollars (i was there over 25 hours); I gave her great care. i talked to her doctors, figured out her post-op med instructions, took her to the local clinic to get her swollen hands better, bought her popcycles out of the store to get her off drinking coffee, make her two meals, WIPED HER ASS for her, even tucked her into bed like a child. My point is, i'm not a trained CSA. i took care of her with kindness, sensitivity, using all my strengths, and call in a replacement when i realized i was too tired to continue (mentally and emotinoallly).

what do i find out? she complained to the boss man because i borrowed the truck ( to go get her popcycles). (She didn't tell him that part). it's just so unfair. i got paid less than half what would have been minimum wage. Boy, did i put a bee in ear about it too.

i was handling the first loss ok, not great, but this thing with this women seems to have knocked me off my horse and i can't get my foot back in the stirrup. her meanness cost me money, cost me trust between myself and this one friend who is doing me favors like getting mew work, and is god...... she has so much, and is so stingy, at a time when i really need a lot, and worked really hard and took excellent care of her.

the hate i feel in my heart toward her for this is hard to let go, even though it's only making my depression and grief worse.

somehow your OP gave me hope that maybe this is related to neurological style and i just need to give it time to shift on it's own.

I'd say you (consciously or unconsciously) were attracted to your friend and therefore feel betrayed (either by him or by her, or perhaps by both of them)...

Or you have issues with your sibling's developing sexuality.

Or you feel that your sister is 'piggaybacking' on your friendships to further her own agenda.

Or possibly some other analysis that I can't guess at.

That'll be $50 please.

Way to superficialize it. I have deconstructed the issue from every angle, in depth, much to my detriment. But if you read what I've written, its more than that. I ruminate all types of scenarios where I have felt wronged, whether rational or not. That's the part i'm struggling with. I want to know if others experience a similar thing.

Charity may have come off as superficializing it or maybe seemingly callous-like, but stop and think about these issues (and yes, I know you already said that you were coming at it from every angle). What I mean is, don't think more in depth about it but more about how you're thinking about these issues.

I did have a problem (well...still sort of do but it's getting there!) of just focusing on all the wrong things that happened and how I just can't seem to get out of thinking about them. I realized then that I was trying to find a logical explanation for specific behaviors when there really isn't one there.

So instead of trying to understand the behaviors and trying to figure out why it upsets you, think about where that behavior lies in your value system, assign it a category, and then put it away. It won't take five minutes granted because this is mental effort, but it's definitely doable and I can tell you from personal experience that it has improved the quality of my life exponentially. Often fixation on intrapersonal issues come from trying to find a justification that is a satisfactory explanation to your own feelings and/or behaviors, and I'll tell you, that'll just make you feel like crap (as you already can tell).

Aspergirls is a great book; it really made me see my AS and its strengths in a new light. I think fixating is common for many, many people on the spectrum, especially if we feel that someone has done us a bad turn (went through this with an old boyfriend who broke up with me 7 years ago for no apparent reason; I obsessed about it and examined it from every possible angle until I got sick of myself).

This kind of pattern of thought usually continues until I find something else to fixate on (which doesn't take long). What Rudy Simone says in that book is that fixating on things is OK; when it comes to people, though, we wander into dangerous territory. As has been suggested before, get distracted by one of your inanimate interests--maybe that'll take your mind off the situation with your sister and your friend (which they've probably long moved on from).

Another thought: I've never done it myself, but I've heard that CBT can help alleviate some of this.