NT in love with an Aspie, and I am so hurt right now!

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First off, I am new here, so it might be beneficial for those who haven't met me yet to read my thread over in "Getting To Know You" first. Not going to rehash the same story here.

Anyway, I'm so hurt now that I could just sit and cry. My mom just started talking to me about my Aspie friend from work that I am starting to fall in love with, and she said some very hurtful things about both me and him. She can tel that I really like him, even though I've only talked to her about him a couple of times. She said she's also gone online and done some research about Asperger's, and she feels like I'm lowering my standards just because I don't want to be alone. She said she's read about the social difficulties, the sometimes obsessive compulsive behavior, and other things. She said "It's a brain thing. It will never get better." Duh! She said she's afraid that if I do develop a relationship with him that she's afraid I'm going to be setting myself up for a lot of heartache. Just to hear the things she was saying made me so angry. Yes, I understand she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I feel like she's judging him without even knowing him, and that is so wrong. He's obviously made a lot of progress over the last few years. Since he started his karate classes, he's moved out into his own apartment, is in college, and is now teaching karate classes. He has also said that he feels more at ease with being more social. If that's not progress, I don't know what is. From what I have read, many people with Asperger's go on to live happy, healthy, fairly normal lives. I also don't understand why she never had a problem with it when my sister wanted to set me up with my niece's ex boyfriend's cousin, who had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. In fact, she was excited about that, saying she thought it would be good for me and give me someone I could talk to and relate to a little bit. Isn't this the same thing? Maybe she's just saying these things because she's uneducated about what Asperger's is and isn't. I don't know. All I know is she really hurt me.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. He seems like a great guy who has a clear direction in life...that sounds hard to deal with. I think your mom is very biased and it would be great if you could educate her on what ASD can actually look like. Some people find it hard to deal with others with ASD until they are given knowledge about it. This goes for all different "disorders" as well: for example, your mom may know a lot about or has much experience with people with Fetal Alcohol syndrome but has never met anyone else with ASD.

Many people don't understand the concept of there being an autism "spectrum" and assume that people most people with ASD are severely impaired. ASD is more like a personality difference than like a horrible disease, and everyone has strengths and weaknesses in different areas. As you may have figured, people with ASD are often bright, creative, interesting, and very capable individuals, even if they might not be the greatest at fitting in and getting along with others.

If you can, when you're in a calm peace of mind, talk to your mom about your friend and gently inform her of the realities of ASD and that living with it doesn't always have to be a negative thing. Talking about this guy as a person - beyond the label - will help her understand that he is a person who has hopes, dreams, insecurities and fears like everyone else. I feel like the only reason people on the spectrum are held back in life is because of a lack of services available for them and the inability of others to understand them and accept them: they have a lot of potential to do great things in their lives.

Hope your mom is willing to learn about it and come to a better understanding...I am sure he's an awesome guy.

I love karate. I just had to say. I think it is really good for ASD individuals if they can develop the interest in it.

Sorry, not trying to discard your concerns and suddenly turn it into a less-important tangent... Please carry on discussing the original topic.

Your mom needs to butt out as it's none of her business whom you date..........

The more pressing concern is whether you are actually with this Aspie guy you're in love with. You say he's a friend so what is happening there?

Problem: you get advice from your mom
Solution: don't get advice from your mom

---->doesn't have mom issues at all, I'm tight with my mom and I trust what she says 100% of the time all the time

Ah, the Internet, making snotty "experts" out of ignoramuses everywhere.

Would your mother think you were lowering your standards if you were interested in Albert Einstein? He had Asperger Syndrome.

Last I heard Dan Ackroyd was doing fairly well for himself. After Saturday Night Live and a noteworthy motion picture career (Blues Brothers; Ghostbusters; Driving Miss Daisy), he's started his own designer vodka distillery now.

Daryl Hannah seems to be getting along, having AS doesn't seem to have affected her acting. Quentin Tarantino doesn't seem to think so, anyway.

Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokémon has probably done okay for himself. Not my cup of tea, but my daughter has certainly spent enough money on Pokémon merchandise to buy him a couple of nice cars.

Vernon L. Smith, Nobel Laureate in Economics hasn't been held back any. Would it "lower your standards" to date a Nobel Laureate?

Mom needs to get her judgmental nose out of the air and the stick out of her butt. She has no legitimate conception what people with Asperger Syndrome are like.

Last edited by Willard on 04 Nov 2013, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It is easy to assume things about something or someone when you don't know very much about it.

I ran into a similar problem with a friend at work. I had brought him in one day for everyone to meet him. The next day at work one if the girls asked me what was wrong with my boyfriend. I said absolutely nothing is wrong with him. But she continued to explain his odd behavior. I simply told her that he has Asperger's. She was completely disgusted. She thought I was pitying him or taking advantage of him, which is so far from the truth. She explained to me how she believe NTs should not be dating AS. I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. Of course I did start to think about how other people reacted when they found our he had Asperger's. My mom had no idea what it was. Most of my friends wanted me to be sure I wanted to be committed to him because it can be a rough ride.
After talking with my boyfriend and explaining what had happened he calmed me down and said the most perfect thing. He said, "I don't care at all! They have no idea how special our relationship is!"
And now when I run into ignorant people I just tell them what me and my Aspie boyfriend is real, even if our brains our wired different. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters!
I say go for it!! !

Not yet. He will smile at me and say hi to me when he sees me at work, or I will smile at him and say hi to him when I see him. I am working on asking him to hang out with me sometime outside of work, just doing it slowly. Lots of coworkers want us to get together, and most all of them know that he makes my heart race whenever I see him and I get the butterflies in my stomach and I just get all warm and tingly on the inside.

As far as my mom goes, I've decided that I'm not going to worry about what she says. I'm going to let fate do it's job. If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Maybe then she will choose to educate herself on what Asperger's really is.

I think the worst thing is not knowing whether he likes me like I like him or not.

Seems like everybody around you knows but him. You should probably make your move sooner rather than later otherwise he will likely get the info second hand........

I was thinking of asking him to go to a movie with me and then maybe get a bite to eat at McDonald's or something like that. Something relatively stress free and low key where we can talk and get to know each other better, but then at the same time have a little bit of quiet time as well.

McDonalds? Really? What about a pub or something? I understand low key, but Mcdonalds is taking it too far in the other direction.

Whatever you do, just do it! I ended up spelling it all out "I'm in love with you...."
Go at your own pace, but make sure to be direct. I wish you all the best.

I'm just going to have to grab him one day (figuratively speaking, of course), and say "Hey, would you like to hang out sometime? I want to get to know you better. I think you're cute." I wanted to do this today, but I only saw him for all of about 30 seconds, so that didn't work. This poor guy has no idea what he's doing to me!

I know right?! Been there, felt that!!