Marriage

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Just talk about marriage here, it can be any facet of it.
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I am not married yet. That may change within a few years once I do reach Los Angeles; she'll probably be like me, meek, yet outgoing...... I look forward to meeting this woman, whomever it may be and whenever it will happen.

17 years of hell followed by 8 years of purgatory, and another 6 years to serve that sentence. The romantic view of marriage and the reality of marriage are two very different things. Marriage is merely a mechanism of exploitation without accountability, both during the marriage and after the divorce. The family breakdown rate is high enough in general and, from statistics I read a couple of years ago, the divorce rate of Aspergers men is about double the average. If you're an Aspergers male you have a far better chance of surviving Russian Roulette intact than marriage. Children are great, have children where ever you can if you want them. But never enter into committed partnered relationships.

No wonder why I have such bad luck. I'm handicapped there in several ways!

Any kind of romantic relationship takes a lot of work. I think it would be great if these skills were taught in high school and college. The key ingredient (other than love, trust, and respect) is the ability to resolve any conflicts as they arise. This requires great communication skills that can be problematic for those on the spectrum (I know I have problems here). It's a good idea to have shared values, interests, and have a similar world view. If you are too different from your significant other, it can lead to problems.

Having said all of this, I can't recommend marriage. The failure rate is high. If you end up divorcing, it will be devastating emotionally and can be devastating financially. If you still wish to marry, I recommend pre- and post-nuptials. Learn as much as you can from successfully married couples who have been together a long time (if possible). I'm sure there are good books out there on the subject too.

I hope this helps.

I am married for less than a year now. Only person I have been able to accept to hug and smell is her. It has been nice so far. Minimal drama so far; she believes I use autism as an escape not as an excuse; plus she does not believe the HFA diagnosis I have anyway.

I have no long term insipirational statements from my current short-term experiences.

Wow not the happy response I was hoping for! Still, honesty is the best policy. My fiancee doesn't really understand asd I don't think. Even I had trouble accepting it until I started reading about the differences in the electrical impulses in the brain. 4 years in April. I've only very minor ASD but its there.

There is too much emphasis on this NT + Aspie relationship stuff, I have even read some of the forums of NT partners and read some shocking things. (I have been with my wife for 7 years) Besides my thoughts below what is important is involve their family. Speak to her parents and let them ask questions, from my experience the questions from the Mother tend to be less pertinent and less clear, your honesty will already go a long way towards building a connection with everyone. You are not just marrying HER....

1. There is NO reason a inter-brain relationship will not work. The work rests on both sides. For the guys out there, as mad as you feel all women are a little crazy you just have to find the one with the right kind of crazy.

2. We have discussed and made rules about how I can ask about meaning and context during arguments without it escalating the arguments (it still sometimes goes wrong of course), but generally if I am getting the usual wife tongue lashing that any relationship SHOULD contain, I may need to check exactly what i've done wrong or if she is just being pissy.

3. The biggest fear I have seen so far from any partner or partners family I been connected to, also my current parter is the meltdown, it is ESSENTIAL to discuss the situation with their family also (TRUST ME, FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE) if your wife calls a family member for support during a meltdown, you may find people performing an extraction "RESCUE" in belief that their sibling or niece, etc is in danger. If you have ever hurt anyone during one of these it needs to be shared so they can know how to protect you and themselves. (I have once during my first recalled meltdown at about 12 years old, the shock of hurting a friend and seeing my own strength meant I have never exerted physically during a meltdown on a human since, there are many doors, walls and furniture pieces that have never forgiven me though. And even this first episode I share as I believe it is relevant for them to know)

4. KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU CALM! For those with specific sensory needs, tell them. Don't expect them to know you like having your forearms squeezed tight or your head squashed as a method of calming you from distress tell them, how ever weird you may think your needs are to achieve comfort or calm, so called NT people do 100 X weirder stuff on a hourly basis, if a squeeze can mean you are not going to melt or obsess over the contents of milk for 4 hours it helps everyone.

5. HAVE RULES, and no not just our "special rules". Shared rules, simple rules about daily stuff. As sad as it may seem I am not allowed to be in control of when I go to bed. After putting up with me sitting behind the computer or whatever till 4-5 am week after week and also my general lack of sleep.

Yes it is not easy to be compliant sometimes and if I am in the middle of "solving" something I may fight a little, but it's an agreement we made, and those I will not be able to break. But she also knows to use logic like you would on a child in moments like that. Sleep now, you only sleep 5 hours, you will up so early you can spend all day on it. (she is a smart lady, and it works and it means I won't meltdown every 2 weeks on cue due to self inflicted exhaustion)

6. Rules again. After encountering a white lie from my wife and having my question of "can you explain which of your words will be lies then and which are truth so I know next time?" Did not get the information response I was expecting but what appeared to be a meltdown we found a way (apparently that question is offensive, go figure?). THEY HAVE RULES TOO, by understanding what things she may "not be bothered" to go into detail about or "can't be arsed" to talk about and that you don't need to go into full Spanish inquisition mode to solve the puzzle. They are not parts of the puzzle, they are extra pieces you don't need. Takes a while, trust me.... and still Logic will have to override the deception recognition alarm. Learn her boundaries integrate them into your own, and then you won't be scared. (If they align with yours of course, you may find they don't align and you will have to deal with that)

Tell her your weaknesses that are also strengths, the fact she knows I am unable to break a promise as the idea that my words are not congruent with my actions frightens me, it's the thing I get the least about others. Means if she can get me to promise something, it is going to be set in stone, it's also why she is careful before making me promise something.

If you tell me you are hungry, I will cook you some food. If you tell me to cook you dinner I will burn down the kitchen. ;P

On a general note or just some old guys personal advice.

Stop thinking you need to find someone who is into your interest(s). What you want is someone who can appreciate your interest in it and allow your to share why it is special to you without making you feel more awkward.
People talk about marriage as a concept yet the whole big ordeal is not necessary. If you never get married and get a joint bank account, then going to the government and signing a paper that says you are going to be hanging around each other for a long time is not any different. If you live together for years then it's easiest to think this. Oh, we got a level up, if we go get this document we can get a -7% to tax deduction bonus.. nice.

Marriage isn't the problem, it's the choices people make. Marry to young, marry too fast, marry out of obligation, marry without knowing who, and marry out of fear of being alone. So wait... go slow, build up the amount of time you spend together and eventually let them see all of you and that on both sides, before you agree to spend your life together and yes, do trials be honest despite all the benefits you bring to the table you also have a few quirks in operation that are useful to point out. Any secret you think you can hide for the entirety of your marriage will lead to conflict and if you have the same senses as me it will be SEEN AS A LIE!

They are not all morally ambiguous flakes with no back bone (those of you who know what I mean, will know what I mean)

I am going to tell you something that will hurt you and help you about those failed relationships as it did me, if any of this seems relevant to you. All those times you blamed some girl for being weak, untruthful, unfaithful where you later learn your perceptions were off. It really and probably was just you.... (I know a lot of people get hurt and some people are cheats, it's just that the amount of those people is not what we sometimes think)

So would like to share what helped me.

She doesn't need to live upto your expectations of honesty, loyalty and trust only her own. You just need to know what those are so you can see if they align with your own and can be accepted by you. The most freeing concept I had ever internalised and I hope that even one person can get use out of it. The world doesn't need a Morality Guardian and no one else can read your book. So apologies to those that get it, it sent me silent for 3 days, as I actually grieved my world view.

As much as you think she doesn't understand you, you do not understand her. Figure it out, the clues are always there and they have friends. (The FRIENDEPIDIA is your guide, TRUST ME, birthdays, likes, dislikes, opinions, tips) and apparently some of the odd stuff we then do can be more endearing than annoying.

You like routine, ADD IN HOUSE WORK. We are lucky, I sleep very little and spend a lot of time awake alone in the house while she is in bed. So I tend to be in a constant state of either cleaning up, tidying up, putting away or washing up and am not really aware of it. So she thinks I am some sort of house work wizard... when half the time I was actually doing something in my head and needed to ignore my hands for a bit.

Stop being a victim, yep you are right, they don't get you. It's not their job too either. If she is with you she knows WHO you are and WHAT you stand for. All the justification and explanation in the world is not going to be able to make it any clearer to anyone including you.

Don't rush into it. This is not buying a blueray player but more like buying an undergarment. You really need to know its the perfect fit and that that you can take the material against your skin for ever before you decide to commit to it.

Hope you all had a nice Christmas! (I actually don't really give a s**t, but i'm sure those of you that do enjoyed to read it ;P)

That's pretty good stuff, man. The only thing I'd argue with in there has to do with the meltdowns.

I was married to a guy with various mental-health issues, and now and then he'd go to town on the furniture. One night he seemed particularly upset, so I called his caseworker to let her know he was having problems, and as soon as I described the situation she said, "Either you have to take your child and leave or he has to get out, immediately."

I thought she was overreacting, but you know what? She was completely right. Across a distance of several years, I look at that and think, wow, that was dangerous. And with a baby!

The thing about meltdowns is that they're all about lack of control. You may have, in your mind, certain lines you're sure you won't cross, mid-meltdown. Until the day you do. It isn't a safe situation and simply witnessing it is traumatizing, particularly for children and victims of past abuse.

If you absolutely must lose control sometimes you've got to have a way to get yourself out of your joint space to do it. Go outside, go to your car, go to the park, go someplace else. But don't do that in the place where she lives, and don't do it in front of her or in earshot of her. And if you can't control it, I don't advise having children. It'll not only affect them deeply, but put your wife at risk. If you really lose it, and they get hurt - physically or otherwise - in the process, and a schoolteacher or counselor calls the police, the authorities will come around asking her why she didn't protect them. These things are taken far more seriously now than they used to be.

Anyway. I'm deeply sympathetic to the fact that the meltdowns happen and it's not a matter of will. But I don't think it helps to minimize their effect. One of the saddest things I see is divorced dads who do have violent episodes and don't understand why they can't get custody. In their own minds, it shouldn't matter, they love their kids, they're fine most of the time, right? But it does matter, and it matters a lot.

Um, no. If you're going to have children, you're going to have to have a committed relationship with the other person, even if it's a co-parenting relationship. And you have to be committed to supporting the children - not at the level you think appropriate, but (at a minimum) at a level the state finds appropriate. Otherwise the kids get hurt.

male aspie here, 45 married 21 years with three kids so it can be done.

Being in Los Angeles and married, to me, will be a big step forward in my life, personally.

That sounds like it was very difficult and I fully understand the desire to leave and protect those around you, most of us who suffer them do.

Some of us learn that the physical side can be controlled, but it's not conscious control. It's like a Rod you have to temper over time until it is hard enough to withstand the onslaught. I was lucky enough to learn when young that I had strength and the capacity to cause harm, and that if someone strikes me my body will defend me before I realise it was needed, so I forged my barrier starting then.

The trouble is it is so hard to generalise as with everything with people with similar expressions of frustration. My meltdowns are few and far between and take severity to cause them and are not triggered by general daily tasks or events. But to deal with this she sometimes has to put up with my mutterings about the general stupidity of humanity, or that we waste so much air on brains that do no work. Anything I express physically be it a door, or a wall is never in sight of anyone else, this is what you learn very early, it's why I bought a punch bag as a teenager and used to pound it till my hands bled. (and yes I say this, knowing that these things compound your idea of violence, but it is not about content but intent, sorry I can not explain further)

But thank you sincerely, for what I read in your mail is concern, concern for another woman, help for someone you hope to protect from the pain you endured. What I hope is that I can maybe introduce her on here one day and perhaps you can ask her about her experiences with me, both positive and negative. But for now this is my place to ask and learn but if you would like to ask some questions to her, please pm me and I will ask her to reply to them herself, not me retyping her words. You won't even need proof it is her, the language use will show you it is not me.

I also try to have a moment each day where I deal with any stuff that bothers me. e.g If I get conned by a pretend homeless person and give some money and later see him laughing and joking with friends sharing the money they had gathered for drugs (this happened), I can dwell on it for days, how I was conned, feel bitter and angry. It's these little incidents which can build up and cause the meltdown, which seems like it was related to the washing up when it happened, when in fact it was when you looked away when you said something last week and the person who swore at him in the street, or an over heard remark of idiot... these meltdowns are never about the subject that caused them if I have had them.

By knowing which of these things to let go of, and sometimes telling my spouse "can you help me i'm a bit stuck". If she is at the office I may mail her and ask her to call me, just to talk about nothing or her day just because she has found that way to divert the circle. She also knows I have never and would never physically harm anyone that was not in defence of myself or those I love.

Some of us have devised not just a disguise but a rule set and from what I am understanding a lot of us are fixed to this list, it is our world view, our check list and our backbone. What is difficult for NT people to understand is that (speaking for myself here) I am unable to break those rules even to myself. I am unable to break my word even to myself, and this can be used to get me to walk away and go outside and sit somewhere and other times for her to calm me and "talk me down"

All I can say is, if you truly believe you are in danger, you must leave and to choose to protect your children even if there is only mild doubt will always be the right choice because it can never be wrong for a mother to choose the safety of her children from even a slightly perception of danger.

The difference with us is maybe the control I have learnt over the years, and the little ways I learnt to twist the valve and release the steam to prevent and accident. To not cause violence is not a choice, I do not go through thoughts of violence but suppress them, it is the disassociation of violence from anger that is needed, suppression will lead to rage.

I hope you are safe now, but just as each woman beaten by a jealous man will believe that all men are jealous and possessive, to dismiss a mans ability to know his limits based on a sample of one is going to prevent you from moving on or leave you filled with suspicion and doubt.

To put it blunt, you may have married an Aspie, but he may have also been an a***hole!

I'm married to another Aspie, but I have several co-morbids... ADD and schizoaffective disorder. So life has not been easy for us to say the least. We're so close, best friends, deeply and sincerely in love, we celebrate our 13th (GASP!) anniversary in a few weeks and I wake up every day like it is my first day with him and we get to love each other for another day!

Before this relationship, I had many boyfriends, I'm attractive which probably made my life a bit worse in a few ways (being naive about men and then subsequently raped, abused and neglected)... I was only recently diagnosed with ASD, ADD and schizoaffective. My husband is a saint on this earth, my paladin, seriously. I couldn't imagine the patience someone would need to have to help me heal through all I've been through. I think his honesty and strength comes from his autistic side, I can't imagine anything more fulfilling than being with someone who thinks and feels the same as you.

That's marriage. I can't describe it other than tell you what I've said. Infinite, fulfilling love.

I think marriage tends not to be just about love, it also involves following a trend or tradition, and upping one's status.

I would get married, under certain circumstances. Ifshe wanted it badly, the relationship was long term, very secure and functional, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with that woman. I just can't see myself "craving" marriage like I do some people. I would be happy to be married, if it made them happy though. I would also be happy with no marriage, and a wonderful relationship with my partner.

I think the problem about marriation, is that many people simply engage too fast into it. When you meet someone, both of you will first get an emotional hormon boost. Thats simply a little physical dating helper, nothing bad about that in general. But as long as you are under the influence of that, you should not marry, because it will let you ignore stuff, that might bother you later or cause problems and so on. What was in earlier times called the "famous 7th year" is nothing else, but the typical time, that this hormon booster needs to get away, and when people start to feel the way, they will the rest of their life. ^^ I would not marry before that, just as I would not have kids before that. It´s not bad, that there will be stuff newly annoying you about your partner, but you both simply need to explore if you can manage that or not, before further engaging.

As well that you and your partner should both be aware, that none of you is born to be your partners dream prince/princess. None of your mothers gave you life, to become the slave of another ones wishes and expectation and to make someone elses life happy, but both of you exist to be happy on your own. And if in general, the way that you are and need to be, to be happy yourself, makes as well someone else happy, THEN this is the real great thing.

And yes, meltdowns need to be handled someway. Either by learning how to avoid them, or by finding ways to have them privately by not bothering someone else. But meltdown means to be not in control, and that is a danger to others.

And kids are not grown ups. When it comes to grown ups, they are able to care for themselves. If it gets to much for you, you can retreat. With kids you CANT. They are not grown ups, and they cant care for themselve. Giving life to a kid FORCES on you to be able to handle that. So no, you should not create tons of kids without thinking, if you can give them as well they support that they simply NEED.

Actually, I lived with my partner for 14 years before marrying, and the reason we did so, was more about legal benefits and social expectation of family. Simply loving can be done without that, so as long as you dont engage in having kids and so on, no real need to do so. ^^