I Need Someone To Tell Me Something

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I don't really know what to say. I think I f****d things up badly for myself.
I love this girl, theres no way around it, and I can't have her.
I could talk about why I'd make her my wife, but that'd take days...
I think about her everyday, multiple times. Sometimes I'm happy. Mostly I'm angry and sad.

and it hurts.
it hurts to know that someone is out of your reach, to know they are too good for you...
to know that you aren't s**t to them and they're off with people who make them happier than you could ever hope to.

I know I'm not a sh***y person. I'm actually quite the narcissist.
I just get really down on myself when I think about this person and my relationship with them.
I just feel like, to her, I'm an uneducated, unlikable loser. I'm a recluse.

She's got friends all over and hangs out with them often. She has a college education, a good job, and owns her house. I'm a high school drop out living with my aunt and uncle, with no IRL friends, no job, no money, no car...

all I got is my art.
My art is the only reason I keep getting up every morning. It never stops.
the inspiration never ceases, and it amazes me the things I can do.
With a pen, with my voice, with a beat, with a spray can, with my body, with whateva whateva.

I am hip-hop; I am art. I'm named after an artist, Jimi Hendrix, my mother is an artist, my father is an artist...
It's what I was put here to do. A lotta people say art isn't a sure thing. You can't just be putting in work all the time. You can't always have that inspiration. Well, I got it. I got something special and I'm gonna do what I can to mold and hone my craft[s] to the best of my ability.

I'm gonna make a living doing it, and if no one wants in on this s**t... f**k em.
I don't need them. I don't need her.
I had her and I left because I'm just like that.
I'll swoop in and take whatever it is you have...
drugs, p****, money, happiness and I'll take that s**t and leave like I was never there and neither was ur s**t.
because you aren't s**t to me.

I don't exhibit em/sympathy for anyone. Apologize for absolutely nothing.
I've been ostricized from my mom's side of the family since 16.
My dad is just as crazy and oblivious to the outside world as I am.
I frankly have no clue where he is. We lived together for 3 years in the ghetto after I got kicked out.
He's the only person who gets me, but just like my whole life before we lived together; I have no clue where he is.

I had a dream that told me that I'm gonna be old and alone like my dad just playing my music non-stop.
I'm 19 and I'm already there.
I don't talk to anyone, I don't show emotion, I don't have any sort of interest in the people and things around me.
I'm in my head all the time. Thinking of the next line for that dope piece I'm working on.
Thinking of myself and no one else. I do the art for myself and no one else...

I'm living in the boonies with my aunt and uncle and cousin and his gf in a really big house.
It's empty, just like where my soul should be. I'm so alone and I don't want to/know how to reach out.
I wanna stick my arm into myself and pull out all this pain and just put it on the page.
Ink on the page, because I'm full of blackness and hate. I'm full of myself.
I'm full of wanderlust. I'm full of addiction and craziness.

I'm planning a drug binge.
Next time I get money I'm going to buy enough drugs to kill a horse, take them, see god and change it up.
Change this f*****g s**t. Get rid of these dwelling thoughts of this f*****g cunt- er no!
I love her more than love. I'm inferior to her other suitors and it f*****g SUCKS.
I couldn't deal with the pain of seeing her updates in my facebook feed, so I deleted my page.
I was also paranoid about law enforcement finding me, but that's another story.

Every one of the other men I've seen her get with are f*****g wieners.
They're f*****g lame and probably got nothing I got.
I'm f*****g sexy, I'm f*****g strong, I'm f*****g smart,
I'm a f*****g automaton doing all this art so raw I should prolly go to war.

..but what I lack is the ability to recognize feelings and social cues.
so these guys are probably nice as f**k and would put a coat on her when its cold or whatever the f**k.
see, I'd do that s**t, but you'd have to ask me. I swear I'm a f*****g sociopath, sometimes.
I f****d it all up. I could have had her, but I said "nah, I'm not good enough, there's no way."
so now that I cast it off, I'm just pissed with myself...

we met on a forum a couple years ago. she doesn't really post there that much, but lurks.
she's going on a vacation for 2 weeks to california to meet one of our mutual online friends,
then they're going to mexico. I like this guy. I'm happy for the both of them.
This guy is really smart and kind and hardworking and older than her,
I've known the both of them for some time,
so if they got together I'd be overjoyed for them.
not for me.

I'd be devastated and even more pissed that I didn't take the chances I was given because I didn't see them like a neurotypical person might have. I gave this girl my virginity (but not my heart, I kept it for myself),
but didn't tell her til later.
she lives a state away so I told her later in this long diatribe, and I sort of made a fool of myself.
but she told me that I didn't seem inexperienced at all, quite the opposite.
and she told me that I'm an amazing person and not to worry.
but I'm a worrywart. In the moment IDGAF, but later I care way too much.

I just want to push it out of my mind best I can. I know I'm young.
I know that nothing is set in stone and she doesn't even dislike me.
but I CAN. NOT. STOP. thinking about this situation. it plays in my dome over and over and over again.
I smoke weed and it makes it worst. I drink and it seems alright til I'm sober.
I trip and it does nothing for me because I have such high tolerance I can take just about any hallucinogen and function fine.

So while she's off in Tijuana drinking tequila... I 'll be here. I'll be here in bumfuck nowhere OH in my studio drinking cheap beer and smoking cheap cigarettes working on the future of hip-hop. I'm gpnna get my license, I'm gonna get a car. I'm gonna get a job. I'm gonna build my studio professional this Xmas. I'm gonna go to f*****g audio school.I'm gonna do shows and get a local following. I'm gonna tour all over the world. I'm gonna be the best of the best. I'm gonna be your favorite rapper's favorite rapper. I'm gonna pull b*****s because I'm a f*****g pimp. I only spit fire, I only draw flava, I only f**k dime pieces. One day they gonna say "Spider!" thats the illest Motherf***er on the planet! I'm not even dope. Nah, I'm f*****g ill and I look around and everyone else is fine and dandy. f**k dat. I'm sicker than influenza. I'm toxoplasmosis in your cat's litter box exploding.

I don't want to be just some flake in the snow. I wanna be called Little Joe Rapper: The Greatest Rapper That Ever Lived Through History. I’m gonna dress so fine, I’m gonna make the tall people look like they never had clothes. I’m gonna make the fat people clothes that never fit em. I’m gonna be the greatest. My words gonna move so fast, just like the lightning breeze. The greatest. My clothes are gonna be shinin’, My lips gonna be movin’ and the womens is gonna be sayin’: “Joe Rapper! Joe Rapper!” The greatest rapper, that’s what I’m gonna be. Who knows? I might be even a pimp. Who knows? Pimp. Humpf. That’s what I’m gonna be.

Don't get too loaded if you're really obsessed with this girl. You'll do something dumb...

THANKS