Autistic, gay, and working in traditionally masculine fields

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I just got a job as a wire tech for a telecommunications company, which has me very excited. I wanted to learn a trade when I graduated because I've always been more interested in science and technology and the job market for liberal arts degree-holders is pretty terrible for those who are not going into management or education.

Normally I don't like to talk a lot about myself when first getting to know people. I'm not so good with the introduction thing beyond "Hi, my name is [C******]. How are you?" One question I find that people ask a lot, especially in male-dominated fields is, "Do you have a girlfriend/wife?" That's not a question I'd ask anyone because I feel that it's none of my business. But I suppose that's more of an NT communication thing and, like it or not, it's something I have to live with. Normally I say I don't have a female significant other, which is when people ask "why?" or something similar. I don't really think that's their business, and I would feel that way regardless of my sexuality. But a non-answer is just as good as telling them I'm gay, but with the added perception of hostility (apparently people don't like being told when they've crossed a personal boundary). It's not relevant to the situation the vast majority of the time.

The really tricky questions about dating history (the stories that men tell among each other) are more troublesome. I don't want to hide my sexuality, but having mostly worked in environments that were hostile to varying degrees to anything other than heterosexuality, I've become used to going along with things. Lately I've realized that it's ridiculous to kowtow to other people's hangups about sexuality and since I don't enjoy lying, it's perhaps better to just tell it like it is since that's what comes naturally to me, anyway. I just don't know how to communicate that fact since I haven't been able to formulate a script for that yet. I just know the scripts for heterosexuality.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

I would suggest you go with the flow and not bring up your homosexuality. My brother worked with, and became platonic friends with, a homosexual who had been with a major construction company for over twenty years. This fellow went so far as to hang up girly calendars in his office, and completely hid his homosexuality. He said when people would ask about a wife/girlfriend, he would tell them, "not right now".

You can argue about the unfairness of it all. But sexuality is really a private matter, and not a matter that should be discussed on the job even for heterosexuals. It is also a matter of getting along, at least if you wish to keep the job. Throwing your homosexuality in the faces of your redneck coworkers likely will not get you fired, but you are likely to be shunned. I'd say we aspies have enough problems getting along with others without intentionally making the problem worse.

Good luck to you.

I absolutely hate the self editing required in order to "remain in the closet" and I hate the fact that you can easily put yourself into a corner.

My recommendation is, don't lie but don't go out of your way to out yourself.

I had worked at my company for 7 years and when I got outed by accident, a lot of my co-workers were pretty pissed that I had been lying to them for so many years. In the end, they all really had no issue with me being gay and everything has been much better

You are who you are and I hate it how others wear their sexuality on their sleeve and base their perception of your worth as a human being on whether or not you have a wife/girlfriend-too much emphasis on what people do behind bedroom doors-I hate it-then there are the people that just do not like different sexualities and hide behind the bible to justify their bigotry when they just personally do not like it.

@thelibrarian: Quite frankly, I don't see being honest as throwing anything in their faces. They asked the question, they open themselves up to getting an honest or dishonest answer. Besides, if they wear wedding rings, show pics of or talk about their wives, girlfriends, or fiancees, that's on the exact same level as me mentioning that I have a partner, yet it's considered normal and even desirable when they do it. I'm not arguing about the unfairness of it, I'm just pointing that out. It speaks for itself. I consider myself a pretty moral person and I feel that I'd be doing myself a disservice by lying and playing that game.

If they talk about the number of women they've had sex with, the women they've played, then I'd argue that that's throwing their sexuality in my face. I've worked with guys who've done all that and more, such as showing me straight porn (IMO, pretty effing gross) on their phones, girly pics, and so on. A lot of that was technically against policy, especially since the guy who showed me the porn and I were in management at the time, so it could potentially have gotten me in trouble as well had anyone seen it. In that case, the lie would have contributed to that trouble. It would have been an unforeseen consequence, but a consequences nonetheless.

That being said, I don't intend to start a conversation about sex or my sexuality because I don't talk about that sort of thing outside of contexts that I find acceptable (among certain friends, in clubs and at some parties, with my partner, etc). At the same time, I'm also miffed that I'm the one expected to stay quiet when they ask me the question. It used to be that it wasn't much of an issue for me, as I was single and didn't expect that to change. And hell, I thought it was funny that I could mess with them that much when I thought of it as just acting and making up a character. Now that I have a partner, it's a little different. He doesn't care one way or the other. At the same time, at this point I'm disinclined to lie just to make other people feel comfortable. In doing so, I take ownership of their problem. I have the privilege of passing as straight, and I don't take lightly the idea of relinquishing it. I'm no radical, but I do expect the same level of respect that I give others. That is why I posted my query. I no longer have an interest in remaining closeted when I get the inevitable questions about my personal life. At this point, it's about rewriting the scripts I use, not whether I should continue to lie. It's true that being on the spectrum has additional complications in and of itself and can pose additional challenges. But just as I can't change that, nor would I want to, I can't change my sexuality either even if I wanted to.

That's nice to say, but people talk about their straight relationships and sex all the time at work. So, they're throwing it everyone's faces all the time and if you're not doing the same it, IME, it eventually gets noticed (in my case for lack of relationships rather than being gay).

I have no answers, except that being evasive (or lying, if you can stomach it), is probably the best of the 3 crummy options.

I look and sound straight. I did it at work to keep the peace. I worked with a lot of African immigrants and other small-minded people. To them, there's no variation from school-job-marriage-kids-mortgage. I used to come up with different answers to why I'm not married: "I'm actually engaged." "I'm working on it." "I have a girl in mind and she's dragging her feet." "I've been too busy to look." etc.

It was only when I got older I used to just say, f*ck it, if they ask I'll tell them the truth. As it turns out, some people couldn't handle the truth. I've had responses like: "Why do you want to be gay?" to "I hate fa***ts." to "You're an abomination." I'm too old to care what people think now. Anyway, I'm alone most of the time so that's not an issue anymore.

It does bother me to watch people getting married off and having kids. I've had many years to experience that. It's like I'm stuck on stupid. Oh well. As they say, it's my cross to bear.

I pretty much deal with it by not dealing with it lol

I just never bring up anything about my sexuality. I don't offer stories of sexual conquests and the like. I just completely avoid it like the plague. So far it's worked out OK w/ the exception of the ONE TIME I disclosed my sexual orientation to a now ex-coworker as I posted about in the thread about having to deal with homophobia for the first time.

But I do agree that it's BS to have to conceal it and it would be cool if I could be as open about it as many other guys are about their heterosexuality, or at least partially so as not to say anything that'd make others uncomfortable etc.. but I don't think society is quite there yet. Heck, I don't even really have those conversations with my gay friends that would be more than comfortable hearing them. I guess I'm just a lot more private about my private life than even I figured. Or maybe I've just conditioned myself not to say anything of the sort ?? then there's the fact that I don't "kiss and tell," & also that I don't want certain gay friends knowing about my sex life for various reasons - including the fact that I've had a crush on one of them for years now and I don't want him judging me for anything I say.. you know, the good ol' anything you say can and will be used against you sort of rule.

But yeah, as for work.. I'm in a male dominated (100% so far) construction trade at the moment, and since there may be some more severe homophobes around, as much as it's BS this day and age, I keep that part of me to myself at work. I shouldn't have to, but reality is reality and I know being more open about it at work could lead to bad things for me, so rather than have to deal with any more BS I'll keep it to myself. Fortunately I'm not someone who is obviously gay, so it's pretty easy to conceal it. Also while I'm not a giant, I'm not a small guy at 6'2 190lb & 10%bf and could defend myself just fine if it ever came down to having to.

Someday none of this crap will matter anymore and no one will care one way or the other. It's moving that way bit by bit and things are better now than they've ever been, even just over the last few years or so, but we're not quite there yet to where it's a-okay to disclose it w/o fear of repercussions. Not quite. I think I'll see it in my lifetime, though, as the changes and improvements have been accelerating. That and I live in the suburbs of the city with the highest gay population in the country, so it's already pretty damned good for us here - it's just not quite there yet.

I work in a small engineering office in Australia, which one would expect being about as straight as you would get.

And yes it is (Im the only queer there), and they do not give a damn about it.

They are the most intelligent, broad minded, and gay tolerant men I have ever had the pleasure of working with!

They show curiosity about my 'lifestyle''- in the alternatives to the standard marriage & family life script, and make no judgement at all.

But then again, I tend to be a bit of a bear, and dont carry on like a flamer- which I think is the real issue.

On their side- there are no titty calenrdars in the office. We are interested in our work, in co-operation, and office harmony...