Being too nice

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Anyone else having a hard time speaking their mind to other people, in fear of people getting sad/upset/angry ? Can it be related to AS somehow?

I certainly am that way, and it leads to a whole host of problems for me. People treat me like a doormat. They seldom listen to my opinion. I am wondering if it is also connected to my voice being rather weak. I try to be more assertive but I fail at making any permanent changes.

Is there some form of specialised treatment to deal with this kind of issue?

Yes, I feel I'm ''too nice'' to my friends. I feel guilty quickly, and worry that I'm not being a good friend if I say no. Some people can convince a person to do as they say by telling them that they will be an ''awesome friend'' if they give in. I've had that said to me so many times, and when I said no they were like ''don't you care about your friends then?'' I knew that saying no to these particular situations was nothing to do with caring about people, they were just making me feel guilty if I say no.

When people say that I'm a nice person, I don't always feel good about having that trait because it sometimes leads to people taking advantage of my nice nature. I've always struggled with keeping a balance, though. A lot of people can be assertive but passive at the same time. I can't be both, if I am too assertive people don't like me, and if I'm too passive (which I am), people take advantage of me.

I feel the same way.

I believe this is due to a below-average emotional intelligence. It makes it much harder to have a "determined" mind, i.e. have demand-power and leadership abilities.

I believe it's for the same reason we lack a properly developed Theory Of Mind.

I think we can be extremes in one or the other. Personally, I feel like I make a better leader because I could probably give each person a schedule to live by to make it easier on me and my need for routines. I don't impose this on people because I know that would just make me look bossy, but I have at times been too nice to people that don't return the favor and yeah, you get sick of it. Well you feel like screaming bloody murder, to be honest. You feel backed up against the wall and imprisoned in a tiny birdcage made of glass with no air holes.

It's important to let people know when they do that to you.

I acted this way a lot when I was younger, feeling like I got pushed around a lot or my opinion was just blown off. Nowadays, however, I certainly can't say that I have trouble asserting myself. I'm pretty much always able to get my point across in a polite but firm way, no matter who I'm dealing with, and I definitely have noticed that people treat me much more considerately/seriously since having changed my demeanor.

I'm certainly in this category. However, when dealing with, say, a lab instrument or technique, I am extremely shrewd, objectively sorting out any issues and why they might be occurring. Funny in that with people, they simply do not follow the rules in terms of fairness or even predictability.

I've had certain individuals be intensely undeservedly inappropriate with me. Supremely manipulative, deceitful, even abusive and just plain mean to serve themselves. What recourse do I have? This depends entirely on whom you are dealing with. If an individual is behaving inappropriately and they are in a position of authority, there may not be much recourse (depending on the situation). I've been in impossible situations and have LET another run over me badly. I have reasoned that if I'm extra-nice to them, then they'll leave me alone.....really does not work. Instead, it seems to give them permission to go further. Ouch.

Many bully situations entail an imbalance of power such that if we fight back, then we get the blame. This is seriously unfair and wrong, but it's oftentimes reality. My tact now is to avoid those who flagrantly violate. Just avoid them 'like the plague.' I simply do not have the wherewithal to combat their 'mind games' and must instead focus on what I need to do. I guess the moral is to work with those who are trustworthy.

There is a irony though.......I have personally met and worked with individuals who are considered to be really tough and hard to get along with. An example: I had a (former) professor who later become my boss. Gruff hot-tempered man and really strict! Many were leery of him as a result. But I learned that he was always fair and he really listened. He and I became not just good colleagues, but also close friends (yes, like a father figure). He had an element of predictability - I knew I could always count on him. I honestly do not mind 'tough' people, even those with big egos so long as they are fair.

Anyway, I know exactly what you all mean. And yes, acting confident (even if you're faking it!! !) makes a big difference.

Yes, and I've suffered the consequences of being "too nice".

I'm not good at being assertive either. I'm "too nice" and have a weak voice.

I personally don't have a hard time saying what I feel, as much as I have a hard time putting it into the perspective I want it. I was trained to speak my mind, where most people would shut up. (really, I just decided to do it, after encountering too many idiots who will mess with the naïve side of me and make me believe the worst.) So, my friends all appreciate me for my candid honesty. My family? They'll get around to it.

There is no real treatment for getting people to listen to you. Just say what you mean, after thinking about it. People will hate it, but those worth talking to will thank you for it later.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, only to later find they did not deserve it. I've given people favours, letting them have their way, only to find out later that they're really using me. I've hard people say untrue gossip about me, and I simply have no recourse.

I've noticed that socially slick meanies will be coy enough to stay 'under the radar', just enough that they can get away with it. They seem to have an ability to seek out and exploit 'nice' people.

In real life no I don't speak my mind very easily and tend to get treated like a doormat too.

Online, I speak my mind a lot or rather I write my mind....it helps me get things out of my system.

In my profession, it was imperative that workers at my level be assertive and bossy. I really wasn't. Consequently, it got me in trouble with my managers a lot. I believe that working adults should be able to take full responsibility for their actions, and if they were lazy, they'll eventually "out" themselves.

My managers wanted me to be more aggressive to my underlings, though. It just wasn't in my nature to do that so, in essence, I failed. That's probably why they passed me over for promotion consideration. They probably thought I was too weak and they were probably right.

I'm actually quite hard on people. If I'm not happy with something, it's obvious. I'm not exactly blunt about it, but the offending person knows it if I'm angry with them.

It comes out even worse if a friend is involved. Some random girl I didn't know too well got a close friend of mine in trouble, and she tried to tell me that it wasn't her fault and that they didn't get caught when they did it before. I can remember just exploding in her face and ranting at her for being irresponsible (my close friend had no idea that what they were doing was against the school rules). I don't think I was ever as angry as that time.

I'm not aggressive or strict or anything like that, but I'm not a pushover.

Niceness has nothing to do with kindness. Kindness is people-loving, niceness is people-pleasing.

Niceness is at the opposite extreme from power. The less power one has, the nicer one needs to be to survive in society. And viceversa, the more powerful you are (aka influential), the less you need to engage in niceness.

This is what I hate about all the advice for aspies everywhere. They teach us how to be nicer and nicer and nicer and nicer, instead of teaching us how to empower ourselves. I keep preaching self-empowerment for aspies instead of uber-niceness, because the uber-niceness we aspies are brainwashed with (which they like to call "social skills") is not only futile in the long term but, on the contrary, it weakens us with people and is even dangerous to our survival.

From my personal experience of over half a century, each time you invest your resources in being nicer rather than self-empowered, you're causing yourself harm.

Yes, I relate to that, MakayalatheAspie. LabPet, I've started to go through the same method. I understand you feel sad too. It's not fair to be taken advantage of like that.