Fear in My Relationship

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It's finally happened, and a lot sooner than I had ever dared to imagine, I'm in a relationship. Over the past two terms at college I have developed a strong relationship with a nice young man a year ahead of me. This term took a turn for the awkward and somewhat romantic which culminated in him asking me out. I am beyond elated that there is someone out there who actually likes me and can handle my autism (which he knows about). We both run in the same social group (which has three autistic individuals and a slew of borderline personalities as well as OCD and anxiety disorders. We're basically the weird ones who enjoy being weird together) and our friends all saw this coming for a while.

First off, I never experienced a honeymoon phase. My reaction quickly went from excited to nervous to scared. I don't know what to do. While I am self aware, I have never been very emotive or outwardly empathetic. I am used to bottling and repressing my innermost emotions until I am alone and can let them out. Now I am suddenly in a relationship with another person finding myself having to compromise in my heavily regimented life and express my feelings. I keep finding myself wanting to be distant and to avoid connecting with my boyfriend. And to add to all of that, I have suddenly found that my perception of dating is stuck in high school. I feel fickle and embarrassed to say I am dating since it is something I had distanced myself from in high school as I felt it was "childish, irresponsible, and unproductive" to date at that age. I've also found that I'm scared he's too good for me and that I will project all of my insecurities on him while becoming bossy and obstinate to overcompensate.

To top it all off, I am deathly scared that I only like the idea of a relationship and not my boyfriend. Part of me keeps telling myself that I really do like him, while the other is so scared I do not truly like him but the idea of him.

I have tried asking my parents, relatives, and good friends for dating advice, but they are not autistic and don't fully understand what I am dealing with. Any advice?

The only way you're ever going to become more comfortable with relationships is to actually have experience of relationships - running away is not going to help in the long-run. Take your time, and be understanding about your mixed bag of feelings.

Fear is a corrosive element, yes, but it's there in abundance to try and 'protect you'. This 'too good for me' is the biggest load of baloney ever, seriously (yes, I've had it too in the past). It's designed to make you retreat, for your protection - it's an emotional excuse. Let your boyfriend be the judge of if he is too good for you - clearly, he doesn't believe that to be the case.

The part of you that is 'telling yourself' - well, still yourself, be calm and very soon you'll know if you really like him or not. I wouldn't worry about it - I'd just carry on calmly, slowly compromising in small ways, and letting your boyfriend know that this is a little tricky at times for you. Don't presume he will always know if you are feeling uncomfortable.

I wish you well.

Oy, you sound like me.

OK-- first off, he must like unemotional, heavily regimented you. Otherwise, he would not have asked you out.

Next off, if you have liked him for all these months, you probably like him. The possibility of you being in love with the idea of a relationship is there, but I can't assess that over the Internet. How badly did you want a relationship?? That would be the question to ask. If you weren't totally desperately wild about the idea of "It Is Time For Me To Date, I Should Be Dating," chances are that you just like HIM.

None of that, of course, means it is going to (or should) work out.

Compromise is a good skill to learn-- tough, but good. Needed.

I wasn't big on heavy regimentation-- I did it in high school for the control element, but got really sick of it my senior year, let it go, and never brought it back. I HATE to be regimented-- a school schedule and two kids' worth of soccer practice is enough regimentation to make me positively ITCH-- so I'm probably the wrong person to ask for advice on the score of how to put flexibility in a highly regimented life.

I don't know-- Good God, I've been married for 15 years and I STILL don't get relationships.

Flexibility-- I think it's just sort of like a butterfly. You open up the stupid flower and let it land-- you let go of your control a little bit, realize you won't totally lose control of yourself if you do, and let it just kind of happen.

congratulations on your relationship. :)

^^^
this sounds so very familiar - I've had that exact feeling/thought more than once. In my experience it is telling me (you) that you need to go slow, to do stuff together casually, and allow yourself time to find out whether you do like him as much as you think you might. For me, I need a lot of alone time in between the together times. There will be days where it's 'two steps forward one step back', and other days where it feels easy and natural. Let him know that you may need to take it easy and in little steps.
Hope that helps, but it is just my 2¢ - I've learned from some bad mistakes in the past.

I can empathize with you. My advice would be to stop overthinking everything. You two are in a relationship because you both like each other and find each other attractive. If you are both committed to the relationship, you will be able to figure out how to interact with him. You don't have to be afraid.

I am in a similar position emotionally and situationally except I am a guy. My obsession is with her abandoning me because I make a social mistake. I've been driving myself crazy the last few days being obsessed about it and seeking reassurance from her. The problem isn't my AS or my lack of dating experience. The problem is letting the fear drive me insane. I have let it drive me to do things that will drive her away if I don't stop. I just have to trust her and trust the relationship.