Struggling to stop everything from falling apart.

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I'm going through one of my rough patches, the week to longer than a month periods where I just feel awful about everything. To clarify, the only thing I've been diagnosed with is aspergers. I have thought it possible that something else could be the issue, but I don't know. I ain't one for self diagnosis.

First off, I'm at uni studying media as I'm hopeful of starting a film/TV career, with the aim of one day being a director, film being my primary special interest. I'm in my final year, and I've got a module in which I need to find someone to work with outside of my course. This poses obvious problems for someone with a disability affecting their ability to communicate. At the same time I've got dissertation, a really big essay. I'm doing it on horror, my favourite genre, and I'm good at writing about it, but I struggle with the academic bureacracy aspect. All the referencing and the specific line spacing and the stupid idea of what is a good source and what's bad just based on which writers are most favoured by other academics. It's frustrating. The system is so stupid and it's so obviously not working as intended, but I'm powerless to do anything about it right now. And my tutor for that sucks. He keep providing overly harsh "advice" that sounds more like insults. It just makes me angry and makes it hard to focus.

All this going on, I feel like I'm being crushed under the pressure, especially with my personal problems getting worse. I don't know where it began, maybe it was uni, but for whatever reason, I just can't stop beating myself up and getting paranoid. Especially about the rules, all the rules that I've had to learn to how the normal people do things. They seem to always get more and more complicated. If you don't follow them, they feel they have a right to hurt you. They pretty much do. I mean, since when do the police care about people like me?

I'm also getting lonely. I'm almost 23, and i'm still a pathetic virgin. Nobody's ever gonna want me. But my mind won't shut the hell up about it. It's bad enough that everybody else is disgusted at me for it, why do I have to hate myself for it too? It's in the rules, though. Male virgins older than 20 are considered creepy, that's the way they want it. It's not fair, but the normal people way of doing things rarely is. I want to just accept it but it won't go away.

Worst thing is, I've been doing CBT for all this, but apparently they want to stop that. I was on a six month waiting list for it, and only a handful of sessions later, I'm back out the door with little more than a breathing excercise to show for it. Makes me feel like I can never be fixed. I knew I'd always be autistic, but this paranoia and stuff, I hoped I would be able to get help to fix it, but they won't help me.

I just don't know how I'm gonna cope. I don't wanna give up, I don't want them to win. I wanna have the right to live just as freely as the normal people do, but that's not how the rules work. If I ignore the rules, and I'm actually right about them, they might hurt me or try to put me away. I just want an equal chance.

That sucks. You know what? Your post makes me remember why I'm so pissed off at this whole system.

I can see people like you, me and countless others, all valuable, bright, awesome people, f***ing slipping through the cracks because nobody gives a s**t.

You should have been able to get the help you require. I think you're a generous soul for not wanting to disrupt society but maybe it is time to do something radical to bring about change. You say you're doing Media. Why don't you make a short film about your experiences? I would love to help; I've got heaps of ideas. We need to shake things up. I am considering starting a political party for Aspies. I'm completing a certificate in business first and when I have a little more brain space, I reckon I'll get out there door-knocking. I'm going to ask people with autistic people in their homes what issues are on their minds, what pisses them off, what they want changed and what the government should do about it.

But I keep thinking this can't be a one-country effort. We need to make it global. And that's where film and media come in because through Youtube you can reach millions of people across the world. There needs to be a global agenda to help aspies; to make it law, just as terrorism is internationally condemned, that discrimination against aspies will not be tolerated, and that giving help to people struggling with the condition will be looked upon as important as helping prevent AIDS or treat cancer.

And by the way, there is nothing wrong with not having had sex. Don't believe what the entertainment industry tries to brainwash you into thinking. Life is so much more than sex. The greatest people in history weren't even interested in it (and I'm not just talking about scientists). In fact, I'm thinking in the future, the coolest people will be virgins and asexuals. Call it a hunch.

Don't get discouraged. I'm sure you'll do great in your final year.

Somethings are Apples & Oranges comparisons if you are trying to measure yourself too closely to NTs. On the subject of relationships for instance, I'd wager many Aspies are on a much longer learning curve. The thing is to have faith in yourself that you will get there eventually, not to get depressed over not meeting some arbitrary time schedule.

I don't know if you were seeking feedback or just venting, but I would like to offer a possible solution to your problem in regards to writing the dissertation. Does your university have a writing center, where tutors can work with you one-on-one to complete papers? I am in school too and the stress from having to write papers has driven me to shut down in the past. Talking with a good friend who is an English professor really helped me to reduce the stress I was putting on myself and figure out the next right thing to do in the writing process.

Also, a therapist introduces you to the principles of CBT, but it is up to you to practice those principles. Simply question those thoughts that are causing you pain, or better yet use thought-stopping techniques (repeatedly say to yourself "stop" when the thoughts come) or use those breathing exercises to lower your anxiety. The thoughts will go away. Then new ones will come up and you will have to practice the CBT principles again. That is what I have to do on a daily basis, and I suspect that I will have to do it for the rest of my life. Another new thing I am doing is trying to practice mindfulness. I don't get lost in my head as long as I make a conscious effort to focus on what I am doing in the present moment. It is unbelievable how effective it is.

Guess what? As you read this I bet there are millions of people over 20 who are virgins. I bet that some of those people live meaningful lives as well.

People who rate others based on their (lack of) virginity are not worthy of their own respect. Think of the people you admire and ask yourself if you were ever concerned about their virginity. Think of great people who walked the earth and ask yourself if any great human who lived was remembered for the age they lost their virginity.

I actually respect men more if they still have it. My father was a player and I've seen the outcome of that lifestyle into marriage and family life, and it ain't pretty. All my friends whose dads only slept with the one woman, i.e. their mums, have now got the best lives.