Tone Policing

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I hope this is okay to post here. I wasn't sure which forum to put it in.

Before I get to my question, I need to give a little backstory. I have Asperger's and bipolar disorder. The bipolar disorder is diagnosed, the AS is not. I can't get anybody to take me seriously when I mention it. I met my husband when I was 25, I am now 30. We have been married for 2 and a half years. When we met, I mentioned to him that I thought I might have AS, but it has only been recently that he has decided that yes, I probably do.

The problem is that he now treats me differently. Almost like an adult would treat a dimwitted child. Whenever I talk, if he feels I'm am speaking too "aggressively" he calls me on it. If my voice so much as raises in volume a tiny bit, he thinks I am being aggressive and hostile. It makes me very angry, especially when he tries to tell me I am projecting an emotion I do not feel. Sometimes I do speak emphatically about something, but that is hardly anger or aggression. But I do get angry when he tries to control the tone of my voice. How do I get him to stop tone policing me?

I dealt with this issue in a broader sense by just consistently being calmer than anybody expected me to. I had to stick myself to a pretty unchanging routine, one that suited my iffy sensory perception; tea It worked wonders in the context of a semester spent at an ASD specialized school, although I must admit it's not something I can keep up indefinitely in my home life. Whenever I lapse in this respect, my parents do exactly the same thing.

At a neutral time when a moment like this is not in progress, sit your husband down for a talk. Calmly state to him what you've said here in your post. Tell him how it makes you feel when he does that to you. Also calmly educate him more on what Asperger's actually is and the various ways it can affect a person, and how it manifests in you.

Do the "three part statement" thing, where you tell someone the behavior of theirs that is bothering you, then describe to them how bad it makes you feel and how and why, and then you suggest to them ways you would prefer to be treated in the future.

Try to educate him about which traits you feel belong to you and which traits do not, and those that do not don't require some kind of special treatment from him.

Remind him that getting mad about something, having a strong opinion, or speaking firmly and loudly are not necessarily anything to do with being on the spectrum, as NTs do all these things too when pissed off or feeling strongly about something. It seems like he is overly ascribing these human things as "oh it's your spectrum stuff wobbling out of control again" when instead you're just being a person with a range of emotions you express like anyone else, actually.

Tell him you feel that since he accepted you are on the spectrum, you realize he may not be aware of it but that you believe his approach to you has changed in negative ways -- remind him that you are exactly the same person he perceived you to be before he realized you have Asperger's, thus no change in dynamic is necessary.

Try to appeal to his sense of logic with that point.

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I have the same problem. My husband will tell me to not speak so loudly or that I have a tone in my voice too. I try to not do these things because I have been told that by other people too. Sometimes I speak too softly or mumble. It is VERY frustrating. Recently, I have just not said much of anything at all because I hate being told that I am doing it wrong and I have no way to figure out how to make it "right"!

I've had this problem for many years - particularly with my wife.

I'll be incorrectly perceived to be angry. I just can't get my tone of voice right in some circumstances - particularly when I want to get a message across. The more vociferous I am, the more angry I am perceived.

My solution has simply to state that I'm not angry and to ask why she thinks I'm angry. I've had to say "I'm not angry" for years and years. As time passes, the more effective it becomes

In my opinion, if you are made to feel as a child, then it is the other person who is acting aggressively. It is not you who is inaccurately interpreting the situation. Although we might act differently, the reality is that their interpretation is wrong. 100%. I would just inform them calmly that they are completely wrong and that it is their perception which needs adjusting. The more strongly they argue that you are being aggressive, the stronger the argument is that the inverse is true. The key is to be calm about correcting their mistakes. I think that changing our tone etc is extremely hard, if not impossible. Therefore it is they that must adjust.

Ironically, being told I'm being angry or aggressive, when untrue, can result in me becoming angry Obviously this makes it more difficult to explain that it is not the case.

It's BS. I have ONLY ever had this "problem" with a spouse or a relative of said spouse.

They just want to have ammunition to abuse you with.

When someone is attempting to frame my actions with anger, I've learned to give a look that is -- 1 eyebrow raised, tilted head, inquisitive stare, closed mouth, for a second or two and then go, oh really, and then I burst out laughing. It's hard to actually accuse someone of being angry if they're laughing. And the laugh is directed at them and I attempt to make it sound like I'm laughing at them. I may follow up with some disparaging remark that their idea that I'm angry is not in touch with reality, or silly. I put the accusation right back in their laps.

I've had this problem but the thing I reckon is that everyone is different... Every aspie is different but also every person. My fiancé sometimes thinks I'm angry when I'm not albeit she points out to me that my voice is raised. I still wonder how much of this is aspie trait and how much is just people being different people. Before I knew I was aspie I met someone who had stronger symptoms and she would really shout quite aggressively. I never understood... oh the irony.

It sounds like you're being bullied. I get accused of being arrogant or hostile a lot when I am simply being honest and straightforward. It's useful to remember that though we strive to communicate with the NT in a way that they understand, NT people assume that because they're 'normal', that they have superior ability to understand us. It's patronizing. Communication works both ways. Try explaining to your husband that basic respect demands that he know who you are as a person instead of who you are defined by diagnosis.

My husband also likes to say, "You're yelling!" Then I can be the "violent" one and he can be the passive aggressive, but just so innocent bystander in our relationship. I hate it, too. Yikes, though. To get out of the blame game once it starts is just icky.

Once it get's to the point of accusations, it just seems like my spouse is just trying to find a get-out-of-needing-to-work-on-your-own-communication FREE CARD. He is NT with a few AS traits but mostly ADD traits. Boy is this dysfunction with communication thing on a role with us sometimes!

We are reading DBT stuff right now, and are genuinely communicating better than ever at times. The validating each other practice day by day really does help us and we get it! We are trying. We don't know how far we will make it week to week but noticing each other practice really is better then continuing the ADD vs Asperger's thing that we had done for years.

My husband still refuses to validate by Asperger's, however, oddly enough. I have a real diagnosis. He speculates that he has ADD and wants it to be an excuse for some of his naughty traits, but doesn't want me to "pull the Asperger's card." I don't understand his thinking sometimes, but thanks to finding Wrong Planet, I'm able to vent about this stuff with people that might have experienced this.

Is poor tone control an aspie trait?

That neglects a lot.

People are socialized to take certain tones in certain ways, certain looks in certain ways, etc. If they go through life being told "this tone means this", and it's almost always true, it's reasonable for them to react to it that way.

If someone suddenly showed up with his own vocabulary of intense words (orgasmic means red, danger means there's something in your teeth, gross means I'm sort of tired and wouldn't mind skipping the movie) you'd likely still react the way you normally would to the words danger, orgasmic, and gross. You might remember that the person didn't actually mean that, and then try to make the translation. But if it went on a long time, or there was a large weird vocabulary, you'd probably give up and turn the conversation over to someone else.

If you told the person that in fact saying "danger" puts people on alert and makes them look around to see where the danger is, that wouldn't be bullying. Similarly, people telling you that your tone is hostile or arrogant -- when, to most people, it actually is hostile and arrogant, and provokes the appropriate responses -- they're not bullying you. They're telling you what you're doing wrong so that you understand their response and can correct what you're doing.

Sometimes there's just nothing you can do. I've been told since childhood that I sound outrageously condescending. It's totally unintentional. Not only that, I can't hear it, I can't tell what I'm doing wrong. I have no idea when I'm fine and when I slip into "offending other person with whatever sounds like condescension". Not only that, I don't know how to fix it. When I've asked for help and tried to apply it, apparently I've only made things worse. The best I can do is to explain that this happens and it's not intentional, and that if I'm being offensive the other person should say so and I'll just stop talking. Some people manage fine with it; others...well, I don't talk much to them, that's all.

I have noticed it too. People seem to treat you differently when they find out that you have AS.

One of the things you could do is communicate with him that you feel like you are being condescended.

I would pull him to the side and say something like:

"Honey, I appreciate your concerns and I really thank you for the input since that is what loving couples do for each other. Unfortunately, I don't really think you are talking to me like an adult. Instead, it seems like you are acting more as a caregiver than as my husband." Maybe even writing a note and giving it to him without sounding like you are yelling might help.