Struggling with anger

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Hi all,

I'm 40, and have known all my life that there was something "off" about me. I finally connected the dots and have an evaluation scheduled for tomorrow (to confirm what I already know).

I'm really consumed with anger and bitterness. For many years I blamed my problems on a bad childhood, but that was only a tiny part of the equation. I've been told that I shouldn't "live in the past," and be happy and proud that I have two great children. My anger, though, is not over the past - if I had been an NT I could/should have been able to overcome my childhood problems and live a pretty decent life.
That didn't happen, of course. Major problems at work, socially, relationships, finances....you name it. I started a promising nursing career 3 years ago; it's all gone now. I've had 10 jobs in 3 years. What hurts me now is the way my life is affected now. No job, living in a crummy 2 bedroom apartment (4 of us). I hate my life - I tried many times to make new starts, get my education. I put so much effort and faith into the belief that I could create a good life.
Some of it is selfishness, I realized. My children are amazing - they will grow up to do wonderful things in the world. But what about me? They'll leave home, travel, do everything I wanted to do. I'll be left living in a slum, grateful to get my food stamps each month because I could never support myself; if anything happens to my boyfriend, I'll be completely alone.

Any advice? It's eating me up inside, but every time I wake up in this place, smell the pot smoke from downstairs, listen to the neighbors beating each other up, I just seethe inside.

Perhaps therapy is the solution to your problems. I'm not saying it will magically fix every problem you have, but it can help with learning new ways to program your brain and how to cope in healthy ways. I get the anger you have over your life turning out in ways you do not like. I have that too sometimes.

I don't have any advice, only my personal experience. I get angry sometimes too. I too used to blame it on externals (race, child abuse, unfair society). Coming to this forum has given me a different lens through which to view my past. Knowing that there are people like me all over the world who share similar experiences and the same feelings helps me resolve the feelings of anger and hopelessness I often feel as I become aware of my limitations due to having AS. Perhaps when you get the evaluation, they can link you up with a therapist who can help you process these emotions and take steps to improve your life.

I was seeing a therapist - I had to cancel one appt, and can't reach her to make another.
What's hard for me to accept is that it isn't something I brought on myself - I imagine I could deal with it more easily if I could point to something I did that caused it.. I have always been motivated, positive (even in the face of my many, many setbacks) and extremely hardworking. I graduated nursing school with straight A's, valedictorian of my class; worked my guts out for it, and passed the NCLEX in 45 minutes (they give you up to 6 hours to complete it) on the first try. I tried so hard to make something of myself; I truly believed that I could somehow overcome my social and employment problems - now I'm faced with the reality that it's not going to happen. I'll never be able to dance without drinking excessive amounts of alcohol or wear nice clothes (I can't stand most undergarments, or anything touching my waist). Or just be silly and superficial sometimes. I guess I'm in a kind of mourning phase.
My evaluation is tomorrow. It will be good to have a definitive diagnosis.

Yes, I have struggled with anger and of late, bitterness. I had a very traumatic childhood, which included abuse and isolation. I always believed that was why I am how I am, but, now believe differently.

If someone says something to me, I often struggle with a reply. If I don't answer, I don't feel bad or anything. I know this isn't right, and will think about it to death later on.

I am bitter, because of my job (yes I'm glad to be working but...) and not having any family left (mom, dad, GP's all gone). I get very upset thinking about this, and have been more and more lately.

At this point, I firmly believe if I died, no one would know for about a week. This makes me very sad.

Yes, I have struggled with anger and of late, bitterness. I had a very traumatic childhood, which included abuse and isolation. I always believed that was why I am how I am, but, now believe differently.

If someone says something to me, I often struggle with a reply. If I don't answer, I don't feel bad or anything. I know this isn't right, and will think about it to death later on.

I am bitter, because of my job (yes I'm glad to be working but...) and not having any family left (mom, dad, GP's all gone). I get very upset thinking about this, and have been more and more lately.

At this point, I firmly believe if I died, no one would know for about a week. This makes me very sad.

I can relate in a way. Here are some random but hopefully related thoughts from my personal experience:


- I had to do "Grief Work" to get through letting go of past bitterness and reduced future expectations. (Kubler-Ross, etc.)

- I had to do Anger Work to get through that phase of grieving. (Punching pillows, yelling and screaming out loud, and so on)

- Only after working through all of the above, on most days I am at a reasonably content place of acceptance that, despite being first in my undergrad class, ivy league grad degree (and such), I am actually, as my friends say, "just another bozo on the bus of life".

- My friends also encourage me to watch out for and avoid examining the wreckage of my future. That is a clever way of saying to avoid projecting a catastrophic future for myself. I do not have a sufficiently reliable crystal ball to do that, so why bother.

Best wishes.

I think I'm starting to climb out of it a bit. My 10 year old told me a few days ago that it seemed I was "jealous" of him - I felt like I never got the help I needed, and being 40 I never will. My life is a mess, yet I put in so much effort trying to become successful. Every time I failed at one job, I would go find another. I tried to be very positive and upbeat, but no matter what I did everything would come crashing down.
He was right, of course, and it was totally unfair to him and my 14 year old - not to mention my long-suffering boyfriend.
I do want to know for sure. The docs can't understand why I need to find out. Their attitude is "So what? We won't do anything different for you." But I will be able to treat myself with more kindness, and that will make all the difference in the world.
I did go through the stages of grief, not realizing it. Now I think I'm beginning to accept it, and trying to focus on the things I do best (being a mom, photography, making jewelery, sketching). The medication I'm taking seems to be easing a few of my communication problems, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to work around people, if ever. I'm still who I am, so I'm not going to force myself to socialize or pretend to be interested in so and so's new hairstyle. That will never be me, but that's ok.

There are two things i have done that have greatly solved my anger and frustration problem.

> i remind myself "i did the best i could with the person i was at the time."
> i accept whatever is present, not unconditionally in terms of danger or being immoral or bad, but in not "minding" what happens to the extent that it doesn't get a chance to take control of my mind.

Hope that helps you too.

There are two things i have done that have greatly solved my anger and frustration problem.

> i remind myself "i did the best i could with the person i was at the time."
> i accept whatever is present, not unconditionally in terms of danger or being immoral or bad, but in not "minding" what happens to the extent that it doesn't get a chance to take control of my mind.

Hope that helps you too.

Finally getting my diagnosis has made a big difference to me. I knew what I had - I just wanted it confirmed. Also, I've discovered how many resources are available in my area. I've always felt that I was on my own island, very, very alone. Doesn't feel like that anymore.

Right on, sammie96.

Just some thoughts of mine that I thought I can share.

I've been through a period of resentfulness at the world and think I'm nearing the end of it. Anger at the your world not being the way you would have had it, perceptions of unfairness or placement of fault, does not help nor change anything. The world will keep on as it was and it is only up to us to change or continue on the same path.

By change, I really mean accept. Just accept that the world is the way it is and it will not change any time soon. If you can accept that, then you can direct more attention to enjoying the little things. Yes, they may be some huge problems - perhaps they appear unsolvable right now, perhaps they are unsolvable. But it is almost assured that if we accept our problems as being unsolvable, then they will not be solved.

Life is hard. But we can always try to make it better. Just a little each day. If we don't, then what is the point?

I read this article about Charles Dickens yesterday and it struck a chord with me. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25347787

"As an observer of the human scene Dickens wasn't the cosy sentimentalist to whom we were introduced at school, any more than he was just an angry protestor against Victorian injustice. As he saw it, if I read him right, human life was fickle, erratic and inherently unruly. There was no prospect of remoulding things according to some more exalted plan. Yet this wasn't for Dickens an altogether melancholy thought, for he had a powerful sense of excitement when he contemplated the intractable human world."

"For him human life is enacted on a stage, small and brightly lit, and beyond the stage there is only an immense darkness. Some of the dramas conclude happily, as in many of Dickens's novels. Others - like most of those he recounts in The Uncommercial Traveller - come to an end without any definite conclusion. Either way, our human dramas are more comical than they are tragic and they have no meaning beyond themselves.

For Dickens life was a theatre of the absurd, but that was no reason to be down-hearted. For him this world was enough, and he was able to find unending interest and delight in the stories that are played out on the human stage. That's why Dickens is still so close to us, and always will be."

They key for me was "There was no prospect of remoulding things according to some more exalted plan". Life can be hard, brutal and ugly, but it can also be other things. Having feelings of injustice may not be helpful if the world is not going to change. For me, I'm trying to take each day as it comes and keep on trying to make it better.

EDIT: This is a bit long, but I hope it's helpful.

Well, for me personally, I was a really, really angry for a very long time. From ages probably 10 to 20, I really sort of hated the world, myself, and other people. I hated myself for being whatever it was that I was, I hated the world for treating me so badly, and I hated people for being so petty and mean. When I was 15, I was described by a family member as "being full of angst". When I was 17, I used to punch the walls of my high school gym until my knuckles bled, I used to crush plastic toys from my childhood in my hands until they started cutting into my hands, I went on internet forums and used them as a place to yell at people, I would scream into my pillow until my lungs hurt --I was so angry, and it was all the time, except when I was more sad than angry. And I didn't even know how to tell people (Again, the communication problems that we have really didn't do me any favors).

I am a lot better now; I wouldn't say that my problems anymore have to do with being angry. I don't really know how to help you, personally, but I can tell you how I changed. For starters, it didn't happen all at once. I actively started working to deal with my severe depression and social anxiety. When I was 19 or 20, I began to realize that holding on to all of that hate and rage was killing me as a person and making me so sad and miserable. Getting my first set of real friends around the age of 20 really changed my life and helped me, too. I really can't say that I recommend this, but when I was 20 I started experimenting with drugs, but mostly marijuana. I smoked weed every day for nearly a year, which made me a lot calmer in general and helped with the depression, but I distinctly remember one night when I was coming down off of it, I thought and for the first time really understood that:

"I have to let it go. I have to let my childhood go. I have to let the self-hatred go. I have to forgive people for what they did to me in the past. I have to accept that I am who I am, I have to accept that I did and am doing the best that I can. I have to accept that I am what I am, and that I have done what I've done, people have done what they've done, and that's in the past. People, including myself, are doing the best that they can, and it's often not good enough --but it's all that we have."


I still get frustrated really easily, my depression isn't exactly gone, and I would consider myself fairly far away from the paragon of an emotionally healthy human being, but my life is unquestionably better without all that anger. You have to reach a point where you can't carry the hate anymore. You have to reach a point where you can finally just forgive yourself and everyone else for your life, and just accept that the only thing you can control is your future. The future is always the most important thing. You'll eventually learn to be proud of yourself for living through the things that you have and actually surviving it. I'm in my mid-twenties now, and I have a long way to go, but the first step is realizing that you just can't hold onto the rage. I don't know about your specific situation, obviously, but I know that I couldn't let it go until I just forgave myself for being the way that I am and forgiving other people for what they had done. I'm not religious at all, but the quote "Forgive them, for they know not what they do" is particularly apt. I don't think most NT's realize the hell that they put us through, and really, how could they? But most NT's are good people, and we have to learn to not focus less on the negative.

this is a good thread. i'm struggling with very similar issues and very much grieving and angry with myself for the decisions i've made and people for bad things done to me and others. very very tired of feeling this way but still coming to terms with many losses. and very scared about what the future should hold if this trend continues. started with certain realizations that came when i turned 40.

however i agree we can't predict the future based on our past. just knowing AS is a factor for me gives me a degree of empowerment. i still have no idea how to deal with people but at least i know what to expect from myself and i can stop faulting myself for not being like NTs even if they don't get it or believe it or care. i can stop making decisions based on expecting myself to be one way when it's not a matter of character or will power or whatever that i'm not that way. i can protect myself a little better going forward if i can just get out of the hole i'm in now. stabilizing my life now is a priority.

my sympathies about your housing situation. i had to live like that for the last couple of years, since my divorce. it's really unpleasant at best and brutal for those of us with sensory issues. feeling trapped is also a huge trauma trigger for me and i have felt constantly trapped in my circumstances. it's been just a long playing the waiting game until i find/found the resources to change. that's why i bolted from Williams last month as soon as i could scrape together enough money for a car. it was literally bad enough i'd rather live in the car than live where i was living. i am not happy where i am and having no control now, but, it's still better than where i was.

keep your eyes peeled. there are a lot of resources on the internet and i keep stumbling on more. WP is one (for AS support of course). i found a site called "Modest Needs" that can provide small grants to help people living on low incomes get on their feet or stay on their feet by, say, paying a car repair bill for you. i found charitycars.org where you can become eligible to get a free car, can take a while depending on donations in your area but it is a pretty active site. and there's another one where you can apply for small grants i can't remember the name, but i think i was made aware of it on a thread somewhere here on WP. you aren't necessarily stuck where you are forever, as hard as it is to wait and keep hope and endure. especially once your kids are grown, look at it this way, you will actually have more freedom because you have only yourself to consider and support.

i've spent most of the last year trying to figure out where it would be best for me to move, where 1) it's cheap to live 2) i dont' have to live in a slum 3) there are decent/good public resources (healthcare, especially for my mental health issues; free health resources, if possible; public transportation infrastructure, etc.) 4) not super cold or super hot, especially not cold and rainy 5) horses, horses, horses. i may not be able to get all 4 but the first three are super important. then i have to figure out how to get there, whereever it is, and hope i picked correctly. i'm thinking st. louis. i've considered certain parts of texas. i'm thinking about north carolina. i'm thinking about kentucky. none of them are perfect but they all fall somewhere on the spectrum (no pun intended) of what i need. cost of living is HUGE, if i can find a way to live within my means and not hate where i live. oh, considering south dakota too.

and then you know i just bolted from Williams and headed to Vegas and got ripped off (robbed) because i was stupidly carrying my bankroll with me instead of leaving it safe in the bank because i was in too much of a hurry, and then these nice (relatively) people let me stay in my home until i got my check for the month, even though the situation is not ideal, i ended up in this tiny town in the desert (White Hills) and i totally didn't expect to, but i LOVE it here. i can't stay here because there are, like Williams, absolutely no resources and i just need too much help. but the people are super laid back and super nice. this old lady next door has practically adopted me. the couple i'm living with, they are very kind to let me stay here three weeks for free and feed me, but there have been problems here at the house. nonetheless it's definitely better than trying to camp in my car. and receiving human kindness - my god i can't remember any time in my life when so many people have done ANYTHING to help me. it brings tears to my eyes to be treated even a little bit kindly, it's been so long since i felt remotely safe or cared about. not to mention the people here on WP who have been so supportive of the changes i'm going through. i'm trying to stay focussed on that and not the lurching feeling of insecurity, fear, grief, anger, stress. but i never would have believed i would love living in the desert so much. it's so beautiful here in a strange, desolate, but very serene way. i will miss it. i go out on the porch in the morning and it's so quiet and we are surrounded by these huge mountains all around in the distance. sunrise and sunset are unreal.

i'm going to north carolina first. i've always wanted to live there. it's cheap around greensboro and the city looks like it *might* have the resources i need. it's country, it's near water and mountains, and folks have horses. if i can't settle there, i think st. louis is next on the list. i'm just worried st louis is going to be too urban for me. i've heard there are a LOT of free resources (health and dental), plentiful bussing, lots of free stuff to do there.

If nothing else works out i know i can come back to this town and stay with people here, and others have reached out to me through WP i feel i can trust. i'm scared but not longer scared sick. it's incredibly difficult negotiating the social aspects and pressures but after facing being homeless and after living a year in a slum next to a busy bar and restaurant, being extorted by my landlords, dealing with noise and craziness all night and all day, it's like of like when you stop hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, as difficult as it is now it's so much better than it was.

the little old lady next door told me i will always have a place in her house and if i get stuck anywhere and can't get out or anything bad happens i can call and they will help me get back here. i have no idea if i can trust that and i would feel awkward as hell asking but still. she said straight out i never need to worry about being homeless. i mean how often does someone treat a total stranger like that? like their own daughter? like their own daughter that they actually give a s**t about, unlike my own family? it makes me shake inside.

yes, it's difficult to find the resources to get around but i've been doing without so many things for so long that i really need (like medications, even food) that it really can't get any tougher or any worse. i mean in the last year there have been weeks i literally couldn't buy enough food or get enough from the food bank to eat every day. that is pretty scary.

i keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to process these feelings and learn from what life is showing me and even when i don't feel hope (i don't right now) i behave as if i have it. because when i don't, things do get worse. pain is a good teacher. i do my best to learn and make different decisions.

and sometimes i have to accept that some things i really can't be so hard on myself as i am. yeah i did some stupid reactive s**t in the last couple of years that landed me here. but you know, i rolled big. that's not all bad. i've lost more than i've won doing it, and i'm not going to keep rolling big cuz i can't afford to lose again, but it does take some courage and i could look at it that way and feel a little bit good about having been brave enough to try for the stars even if it didn't work out. i thought i knew what i wanted and i bit off more than i could chew and got myself in a real pickle. i thought i wouldn't survive it, but i did. now, if i peer far enough town the tunnel, i think i just might be able to see a little bit of light. i'm pretty tired and i feel pretty beat up but i think i just might be able to limp across the finish and get to the next chapter and maybe, just maybe if i do, things will get better.