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xxZeromancerlovexx
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09 Dec 2013, 3:37 pm

I'm writing a novel right now and I want to know if these two chapters a too depressing. Here it goes:

Chapter 16

The afternoon soon came. The football team was practicing.

“I hate football! Darius plays football. It’s going to get him nothing but a scholarship!” Jared crossed his arms.

“I’m not sure if you know this, but scholarships are a good thing.” Shiloh said.

Jared banged his fist on the bleachers.

“Hey helmet heads! Yeah, you! Football is stupid! Scholarships aren’t stupid! There’s a huge difference there I hope you know! Go team!” Jared yelled.

“That girl that the foreign exchange student was with isn’t the typical girl that you would see around Pond’s End.” Shiloh said staring off into the distance.

“Just remember that all girls that aren’t succubi aren’t something that we can get attached to.” Jared said continuing to watch the football team.

Shiloh turned his head to Jared with curiosity.

“Have you ever met a succubus? You know, one that you liked?”

Sudden thoughts of her flashed his mind.

“There was that one time when I was younger. Her name was Shianne. I was twelve at the time. When her family found out I was a Cambion, I was forbidden to see her ever again.” Jared’s eyes turned watery.

“Have you ever thought about meeting a new girlfriend?” Shiloh asked trying not to get too personal.

“Nope.” Jared said without any emotion shaking his head.

Shiloh looked at Jared’s hair and cold complexion.

“We’re defiantly opposites for sure.”

“What do you mean?” Jared said.

“Well…” Shiloh stuttered.

Jared became annoyed and slammed his hands on the bleachers.

“Is it because of how I look? It’s not my fault I look how I look.”

“Why is your hair dyed and how come you’re all pasty?” Shiloh asked.

More thoughts came to Jared’s head.

“My skin is the way it is because I never went outside. Actually, I wasn’t allowed to because my holier than thou family didn’t want a Cambion to be seen in public other than school and I dyed my hair because I wanted to look badass for when I got my revenge on Darius.” Jared said.

“Don’t Cambion have physical deformities?” Shiloh asked.

Jared suddenly felt uneasy and had the facial expression to match.

“Do you have one?” Shiloh asked.

“I think it’s about time I went home. I’ll you tomorrow.” Jared jumped off the bleachers.

Shiloh heard sudden screaming.

Shiloh looked down at Jared and saw scars all over his torso and sides.

Chapter 17

Shiloh ran as fast as he could to assist Jared. It was almost impossible not to stare at all of the lines of red, brown and pink.

“Dude, you okay?!” Shiloh panicked.

Jared pulled himself off the ground. As soon as he saw his exposed reminders he pulled down his shirt.

“You didn’t see them.” Jared said embarrassed.

“You mean the scars?” Shiloh said loudly.

Jared grabbed Shiloh’s shoulders and shook him back and forth.

“Don’t talk so loud! I have them for a reason.”

Jared tilted his head towards the street.

“Come with me. I could use the company.”

As they walked along the sidewalk cars went by.

“I wish I had my license.” Shiloh grumbled.

Jared stopped and lifted up his baggy, black t-shirt. The scars were exposed.

“Remember when you said Cambion have deformities?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Shiloh asked.

“These scars are from surgeries. Luckily I had no deformities on my face. They must’ve really liked my stomach.” Jared pointed to all of them.

“What kind of deformities?” Shiloh asked.

“My intestines were visible and were eventually going to spill out of my stomach.”

Shiloh’s face turned green as he was trying not to throw up.

“I’d like to think that the reason I had the surgeries was that I looked like a pregnant ten year old boy, but the truth is that my family wanted me to look as far from Cambion as possible.” Jared said pulling down his shirt.

“Did you get made fun of?” Shiloh asked still being queasy.
“I’ve gotten called FrankeinBelly. That’s about it. Just don’t tell anyone that we had this discussion.”

“Why would I do that?” Shiloh asked.

Jared opened the door to his house facing away from Shiloh.

“Nevermind, see you tomorrow.” Jared said walking into his house.

When the door shut Shiloh let out a sigh.

“I’ve screwed up with Carl and Tom. I don’t need to screw up with my new friend.” Shiloh said walking towards his house across the street.

Shiloh slowly opened the door. Darla was busy knitting.

“How was school?” Darla asked paying attention to the yarn and silver needles.

Shiloh sat on the couch next to the chair she was sitting on.

“Mom, can I talk to you?” Shiloh asked.

“What’s going on?” Darla asked still looping the pink and purple strands.

“As much as I want to be Jared’s friend he seems to hate my guts. He’s moody all the time. We could be hanging out and something happens to make him upset. I don’t get it!” Shiloh said frustrated.

Darla put the knitting project aside. She made eye contact with Shiloh directly.

“Can you keep secrets?” Darla asked.

“I can.” Shiloh said.

“You can’t tell your father this either. Your dad and I were both in camps. Your dad was in a Japanese internment camp and I was in a concentration camp in Europe. Your grandmother Lily taught me tricks to seduce the guards. I escaped by draining them. Sometimes, they died. Lily told me to leave her behind and go find a new life. Nobody knew what demons were. They didn’t remember me anyway because I erased memories.”

“My mom killed Nazis?” Shiloh asked in shock.

“Anyway, when I became a servant to the Royal Demons and Jared’s father and shortly met your dad after because he had escaped before me. Your dad took his Akuma form in order to escape. That means you can access an Akuma form.”

“How does this relate to Jared?” Shiloh asked.

“The reason he is anti-social is that he programmed himself all by himself to be anti-social. They would tell him not to go outside unless it was school. Eventually, he went to the Academy so he didn’t go near his family. He didn’t want to be around them. He has a cousin who is way more valued than him. That little brat didn’t even offer to do chores. Jared wasn’t told to do the chores. He did them to make his family happy and satisfied to show them that he was worth something. We often did chores together. We would cook for his family. One time, his Aunt Amber said it tasted good and asked who the chef was. Jared said it was him and she threw up. I promised myself that would never forgive that woman that day. Basically, he might as well be your brother since his non-demon mom died.” Darla wiped tears from her eyes.

“He’s just a self-made robot. He forgives everyone who mistreats him. No matter how moody he gets, please; please; please don’t tell him I told you this.”


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09 Dec 2013, 4:02 pm

Not depressing. Quite intriguing.



League_Girl
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09 Dec 2013, 4:23 pm

I saw noting depressing about it. What is the book about? Is it going to be published or posted online?


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xxZeromancerlovexx
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09 Dec 2013, 4:26 pm

League_Girl wrote:
I saw noting depressing about it. What is the book about? Is it going to be published or posted online?


It's about demons such as Incubi, Cambion, Succubi and Akuma. I'm going to try to self publish once I'm done with it. I just don't know if I have the guts or confidence.


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redrobin62
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09 Dec 2013, 5:53 pm

Looks good so far.



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09 Dec 2013, 6:31 pm

This is interesting, I already want to know what happens to the two main characters from your short excerpt.



xxZeromancerlovexx
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09 Dec 2013, 7:39 pm

Thanks for taking time to read it, everyone! I've been putting a lot of work into this novel. I'll try to post more of it. Eventually I want to have four books in the series.


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JSBACHlover
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09 Dec 2013, 8:57 pm

Keep at it! It's interesting.



Who_Am_I
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10 Dec 2013, 9:07 am

Not at all.

One thing, though:

Quote:
“We’re defiantly opposites for sure.”


The word you want here is "definitely".


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Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I