What to expect from a relationship

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As I told in an earlier thread, there is a not-completely-zero chance that my relationship status might change in the next few months.

My main problem: what to say to her when I have the opportunity. I think it's not exclusively about a lack of flirting skills here, but I fail to do something because don't know want I want to achieve.

I have been trying to imagine: How would my life change if my relationship status did? Right now, my life is pretty boring: Most of the time, I do university-related work, and once per week, I see friends in a social environment. I make sure to load myself with so much work that I don't really have time for anything else (boredom is poison to me). Where does a hypothetical girlfriend fit in here? OK, I could reduce my university workload a bit, so I could see her a few times per week. But, practically speaking, how should we spend that time? Most activities that don't involve math or music are plainly boring to me.

So, why am I even thinking about this? I don't even feel "in love" right now. But it's an open question, and I get obsessive about open questions (I think that's an Aspie issue). Plus, I'm so jealous of people who are in relationships. That is, I don't care when people tell me about their amazing sex life, and when people kiss in public, I think it's gross. But today, I saw a math student (female) and a computer science student (male) I both knew cuddling on campus. I don't know what triggered this, but I just thought: "Damn it, I want someone to cuddle with, too!" Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I thought: "Oh well, I wish someone was lying next to me."

Thus, my motives right now seem to be loneliness and jealousy. But is that a good foundation for a relationship?

No they are not a good foundation for a relationship. I've been told to think about what I could bring to a relationship and if I find myself lacking, work on improving those aspects of my character. Would I want to spend time with me if I was another person?

This is a rhetorical question - what can you bring to a relationship? What would you like to bring to a relationship? What can you improve about yourself and your habits/interests that would help you bring those qualities to another person?

I assume your university has all sorts of groups you could join. Why don't you see what's available. Maybe you can do some volunteer work. I think this time of year has groups quiet focussed on doing that sort of thing.

An interest in music can lead to good social activities where you can meet people or you can invite people to go see live music with you.

I wonder the same thing. What the hell would I do with a girlfriend if I had one... I don't know.

It's too much to ask for someone to just accept you for who you are, you have to entertain them like some kind of jester.

You put way too much energy and thought into self-sabotage. Don't take this the wrong way, but it might be best for you to talk to a psychologist and see if you can get a diagnosis for OCD.

Something mine noticed during a session when I was pretty much at the bottom of depression (depression can make you obsessed over your own failings) is that focusing on the hypothetical negative of relationships side blinds you from what's important in the now.

For example, notice how you haven't said one thing about her! What do you like about her? What would you like to share with her? Have you asked her about her life and her ambitions?

Start small, ask her how she's doing and find out what you two like in common. After that invite her to try something new! Even is she isn't the love of your life you'll have a friend to do new group activities with!

I've already done that in the other thread, so I omitted it here.

For clarification: She does seem very nice to me, and we have a number of shared interests (she is a science student and plays a string instrument); we are also very similar in terms of character. So it makes sense that I should act on this.

I have talked to her, but communication is an issue because we're equally socially awkward. As long as I don't have a concrete objective, I'm not even able to get to know her further.

You may say that "if I like her, it should come naturally", but this is simply not the way my brain works. It's like: when I don't understand something, I usually get completely confused and fail to do anything. That's not a bad prerequisite for a mathematician whose job is to understand things thoroughly, but in this case, it's kind of disastrous.

I don't think your current feelings are a good base for a relationship. As I've been told, relationships are the most difficult thing an Aspie can encounter. Some relationships take some work, and others pretty much require your undivided attention, depending on the relationship.

Being in a relationship would require you to give up a few things, mostly things that don't concur with the person you're with so you can keep the peace. You'd have to ask yourself if you're willing to do this, if you're willing to compromise. Wanting to be with someone is an understandable feeling, but it takes some personal reflection to understand what you really want.