Hi. I've come to seek the advice from some fellow aspies. I'm 27 years old old and I have some trouble with people that stand close to me. I'm on good terms with my family, regardless of the health issues and difficult times I'm facing the last years. I know a lot of people and consider them to be either good or distant friends. That's OK to me, but I don't have many people that are very close to me. I have my parents, but thats different. I have some friends whom I can tell about anything personal, but if I don't contact them, I never hear them either. I see all my friends meeting each other and communicating, but often I feel left behind. There are some people I really like, and they say they'll always be there for me, but for example: they'll never contact me to meet me. It always goes the other way.
A few years ago I learnt I was aspie and got to know a bunch of aspie people at a psychiatric hospital. Through talking sessions we learned that we were extremely alike. I finally felt these people truly understood me, and accept me the way I am. I now have one very close friend, whom I met there. He's a bit of a peculiar guy, but I feel he's one of the closest people to me.
I don't have many female friends. I have a few, who I meet from time to time. Lately I have gotten to know some girls better, this made me uneasy. I really like them and I'm desperate to get a relationship with them. Let me call them M and C. More about this later.
-----one short-lived relationship---------
I've only had one short-lived relationship so far. This was with a girl I met at the aspie talk groups (mentioned earlier). I was treating her normally and going my usual way dealing with her. At one point she did something stupid and started crying because she thought I would be angry. I consolidated her, said I wasn't angry. That evening I gave her a lift with my car. When I dropped her off, I said something nice to her, since I knew she was upset. I put my arm around her and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. I was just being nice and honest. This sparked something, the next week I noticed the girl took a real liking to me. I knew she was in love with me.
I took my chance and took her to a nice place downtown. I sat next to her. We talked a bit and I put my arm on the seat behind her. We got a bit closer. When she asked about my earlier girlfriends, I fended this off with a clever joke, and we kissed. She admired me and we were together for a month or so. Things didn't last, she is with some religion and is forbidden to have boyfriends. I knew I could have had sex with her, but this would have been very troublesome for her religion.
-------how I feel-------------
Now. The last two paragraphs were rather straightforward to me. Fair game. Otherwise, this has never happened to me. I have a bit of an eccentric personality and I can't make good friends with girls. I've put a LOT of effort into girls, but this has never gotten anywhere. It caused me a lot of heartache. I don't fall quickly in love, and I don't feel anybody has ever given me the feeling that they took a real liking of me. Except for one girl, I never ever have felt I had a chance with a girl.
This is hugely demotivating for me. It's eating away at my self-esteem. Every time I have to give up on a girl, I feel I fall deeper down, becoming more frustrated and unhappy. Combined with my psychic issues, this is making me suicidal. I feel I can't have anybody close to me. Can't have anybody that loves me, that belongs to me. I ultimately feel rejected. Combined with my health issues, I'm slowly losing the will to live. I have stopped caring about a LOT of things in my life, since they're a bother, and in the end won't matter at all. Who cares anyway. I just deal with the things I want to.
-------- recent developments------------
Back to girls M and C.
I have known M for 15 years or so, from a distance. This year we've been meeting sometimes, and gotten closer. We get along well. At one meeting I grabbed my chance, when she said she was probably aspie too. I talked about how we were similar, and that I have a liking for her, along with some clumsy flirting. She got the hint and said outright she doesnt have an interest in a relationship with me. We talked about it, I was honest and said it's unusual for me to get such a good understanding with a girl. She said she didn't think a relationship with me would succeed. Ultimately, I didn't press on since she is a bit shy, and was all upset.
Girl C I knew a bit. She was rather shy and not talkative. Then one time on chat, she started being very very talkative to me. Some time has passed now, we met from time to time. She has some trouble in life and I'm trying to help her. Sometimes she's so talkative and posessive she hardly leaves me alone. We have gotten rather close, and now she's one of the closest people to me. I really like her, but I don't get the "signal" from her that I have a chance with her. Since she's a closer friend than the other girls I liked, I'm probably going all-out and confess my love to her. She's a bit shy as well, so I'll probably have to talk my feelings into her, I can't just go out and get up close to kiss her.
I have a hard time recognising my emotions. When I had this relationship, earlier, I realised only afterwards how much I liked her, and how much she meant to me. That's why I hate taking a risk with girls: I don't know about my own feelings and I don't feel I have a chance with them. So things don't get anywhere. It's making me very, very sad. Deep down, I crave love and affection, you know. I feel people leave me behind, out in the cold. No matter what friends say "Im there for you!".
Any thoughts?
One of my female friends says I should express a lot more to people how I feel. I haven't tried it yet, but to me this seems extremely submissive. This clashes with my feelings of self-worth.
16 Dec 2013, 9:28 pm
. I was so happy, that I "fell in love" with her. Immediately, I was willing to do anything for her: take her on an expensive night on the town (despite having only $700 in the bank at the time), buy her a dozen of long-stemmed roses, and fully commit to her, physically and emotionally. All that despite feeling absolutely zero physical attraction to her. Luckily, some rudimentary social intuition told me to hold off on doing that until I'm 100% that the relationship is official. And I'm glad it did. I can only imagine the embarrassment, not to mention potential stalking charges, that I'd get if I decided to start doing all the relationship things right away. Needless to say, a few months later, I took her to a dance, and she didn't want to dance close. That was all the hint I needed, and should have gotten months ago.
