What are relationships all about?

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onewithstrange
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26 Dec 2013, 7:07 pm

It sort of occurred to me not long ago that I don't have any solid ideas on what a relationship actually is. I get that there must be some compromise, but I don't know what form that compromise takes. Sex aside, I don't know what it is that people in relationships do for each other that motivates them to enter\stay in the relationship. In short, what is the currency of relationships? What is the reward?


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buffinator
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26 Dec 2013, 7:19 pm

Connection. Support. Companion. Critic. Income ($).

They satisfy a need for closeness that many people feel
They help provide guidance or just listen when needed
Literally just do stuff with them or hang out.
They can help you to improve yourself and work towards goals
if you live together then there are two incomes going towards functional things like rent.

ofc sex as mentioned.


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aspiemike
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26 Dec 2013, 7:22 pm

The currency is mostly emotional reassurance... and you can factor in what buffinator said as well.


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auntblabby
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26 Dec 2013, 8:39 pm

another friendly body always comes in handy.



leafplant
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26 Dec 2013, 8:49 pm

someone else to send out with the flashlight when you get woken up by strange sounds in the middle of the night :P

sorry, don't ask me; I've had some but they ended so I'm clearly not an expert



auntblabby
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26 Dec 2013, 8:51 pm

leafplant wrote:
someone else to send out with the flashlight when you get woken up by strange sounds in the middle of the night :P

sorry, don't ask me; I've had some but they ended so I'm clearly not an expert

a true companionable couple would always go out TOGETHER in the dark with the flashlight, each having the other's back. :idea:



buffinator
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26 Dec 2013, 9:03 pm

auntblabby wrote:
leafplant wrote:
someone else to send out with the flashlight when you get woken up by strange sounds in the middle of the night :P

sorry, don't ask me; I've had some but they ended so I'm clearly not an expert

a true companionable couple would always go out TOGETHER in the dark with the flashlight, each having the other's back. :idea:


worst slasher movie ever! if she can cover his back or vice versa they might actually be able to hit the chainsaw wielding murderer over the head with a lamp, the rest of the movie is a court drama.


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auntblabby
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26 Dec 2013, 9:04 pm

IOW I would never expect any mate of mine to go out alone. and I would expect the same thoughtfulness.



leafplant
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26 Dec 2013, 9:06 pm

buffinator wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
leafplant wrote:
someone else to send out with the flashlight when you get woken up by strange sounds in the middle of the night :P

sorry, don't ask me; I've had some but they ended so I'm clearly not an expert

a true companionable couple would always go out TOGETHER in the dark with the flashlight, each having the other's back. :idea:


worst slasher movie ever! if she can cover his back or vice versa they might actually be able to hit the chainsaw wielding murderer over the head with a lamp, the rest of the movie is a court drama.


like so

Image

the lamp broke into a million little pieces



Merle
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26 Dec 2013, 9:08 pm

buffinator wrote:
Connection. Support. Companion. Critic. Income ($).

They satisfy a need for closeness that many people feel
They help provide guidance or just listen when needed
Literally just do stuff with them or hang out.
They can help you to improve yourself and work towards goals
if you live together then there are two incomes going towards functional things like rent.

ofc sex as mentioned.


I like. I wonder if the core components would change if we were talking AS/AS or NT/AS or NT/NT.

I can see the above list match well in most NT relationships. But I'm wondering if a pair of Aspies would have the same needs, and if so, would they simply be prioritized differently?



Eureka13
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26 Dec 2013, 9:51 pm

I once read in a novel that people wanted to be in a relationship to have a witness to their life. I liked that, and would agree, but would also add that I would want my partner to be a non-judgmental witness to my life.



Ramistic
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26 Dec 2013, 9:54 pm

What I have noticed is that I have a very different perspective on the whole thing than my girlfriend. A relationship is an exceptional way to learn about how others function. Aside from the fact that my partner is female, something she does within her own mind is label people with characteristics e.g. if someone is nice. My mind does not think in words and would have difficulty assigning people these descriptive titles. If I like something it is simply great or if I don't, It's awful. Another thing is empathy/sympathy, I can apparently say some very cruel things which are simply truth, people are very delusional and do not feel anything while watching displays of emotion but can show affection. It appears that others cannot for the most part control their reactions to other people. My girlfriend spoke with her ex and drank with him and so I did the same with her best friend but also had sex with her and somehow this is not justified. Again, delusional. I had a very tough childhood (very abusive) and she claims the same with a lack of evidence, it seems that they want to blame anyone they can for their stupidity. From what I see she has a very affectionate household. Now, to the point the things I look for are company and sex. I do get lonely, but do not feel anything when close or affectionate. I have an intense interest in all of this, mind my bluntness but the description of simple physical contact arises some emotions in my partner which I am amazed by and personally cannot feel. I never really get sad or happy, it's just a plateau. As for love, I'm skeptical that a person can experience a profound force from another human being, it seems like delusion induced bliss. The next thing I want to say is that people seem to react strangely to what happens to another person, I was arrested for apparently serious offences and I still slept soundly. My mother being an 'NT' responded with anxiety/insomnia every night until my possible court sentence. I actually forgot about it all for a few months. But this may all just be because I am autistic. Someone clarify everything for me



Mishra2012
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26 Dec 2013, 9:57 pm

For the VAST MAJORITY of men it is to secure reg free or cheap sex. "I paid for the date(s) and she didn't put out" and similar complaints are often made by men. This has been my observation and the observation of others and admission of many men.

"Men give love to get sex women give sex to get love" Great quote. Men fake love to get sex.
Based on the fact that I am an "odd" person and do not fit the western standard of beauty and I do NOT want a man that sees me as a sex thing I will be single forever or act out my freeing fantasy.

Most women grow up looking for a companion, even middle aged women still hope even after multiple divorces. lol
So in heterosexual relationships there seems to be a HUGE difference in what each gender is looking for. Most men remarry for their own comfort or help with their kids.

I wanted a HUSBAND, a man of my own not someone's ex husband, current husband nor father(I wanted to start a fresh new family just my husband and I). This seems next to impossible, unused guys are on the hunt for sex and to secure sex or a partner that boosts his ego.

People will tell it is different for everyone and not all guys are after sex. They aren't being fully honest. While there are different things in most cases they are additions to what I said.

I'm speaking about the majority.


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buffinator
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26 Dec 2013, 10:10 pm

Mishra2012 wrote:
For the VAST MAJORITY of men it is to secure reg free or cheap sex. "I paid for the date(s) and she didn't put out" and similar complaints are often made by men. This has been my observation and the observation of others and admission of many men.
"Men give love to get sex women give sex to get love" Great quote. Men fake love to get sex.
Based on the fact that I am an "odd" person and do not fit the western standard of beauty and I do NOT want a man that sees me as a sex thing I will be single forever or act out my freeing fantasy.
Most women grow up looking for a companion, even middle aged women still hope even after multiple divorces. lol
So in heterosexual relationships there seems to be a HUGE difference in what each gender is looking for. Most men remarry for their own comfort or help with their kids.
I wanted a HUSBAND, a man of my own not someone's ex husband, current husband nor father(I wanted to start a fresh new family just my husband and I). This seems next to impossible, unused guys are on the hunt for sex and to secure sex or a partner that boosts his ego.
People will tell it is different for everyone and not all guys are after sex. They aren't being fully honest. While there are different things in most cases they are additions to what I said.
I'm speaking about the majority.


Speaking as a guy I know that this has happened to me (as the sex crazed as*hole). It was completely unintentional. I really thought I was in love with this girl, we hung out every day for 9 months (9 abstinent months I should point out.) but after a brief separation I was no longer attracted to her whatsoever and apparently that had been the driving factor behind our friendship. Suddenly I found her crass and rude where before I found the same traits amusing/funny. I knew that I wanted sex and I thought that it if it happened it would strengthen our relationship. turns out she was right not to let herself get close to me. It was very confusing for me because in my mind I was still in love with her but in person the emotions were disassociated.


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You are very likely an Aspie


goldfish21
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26 Dec 2013, 10:10 pm

Love.


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MjrMajorMajor
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26 Dec 2013, 11:04 pm

Mishra2012 wrote:
For the VAST MAJORITY of men it is to secure reg free or cheap sex. "I paid for the date(s) and she didn't put out" and similar complaints are often made by men. This has been my observation and the observation of others and admission of many men.

"Men give love to get sex women give sex to get love" Great quote. Men fake love to get sex.
Based on the fact that I am an "odd" person and do not fit the western standard of beauty and I do NOT want a man that sees me as a sex thing I will be single forever or act out my freeing fantasy.

Most women grow up looking for a companion, even middle aged women still hope even after multiple divorces. lol
So in heterosexual relationships there seems to be a HUGE difference in what each gender is looking for. Most men remarry for their own comfort or help with their kids.

I wanted a HUSBAND, a man of my own not someone's ex husband, current husband nor father(I wanted to start a fresh new family just my husband and I). This seems next to impossible, unused guys are on the hunt for sex and to secure sex or a partner that boosts his ego.

People will tell it is different for everyone and not all guys are after sex. They aren't being fully honest. While there are different things in most cases they are additions to what I said.

I'm speaking about the majority.


I would have serious issued being in a sexless romantic relationship, and I don't feel it's that uncommon. Having a new "fresh out of the box" guy is doable, but to me it seems to denigrate marriage into ownership or possessiveness.

I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately, within my own and viewing other people's marriages. If sex Isn't the number 1, it has to be in the top three...
Emotional support is up there too. We want someone in our corner, who stands by us and believes in us. Someone who sees value in us even at our worst times, and values us even at our fallow and ineffective states. There also has to be a willingness to reciprocate, and a yearning to do so.
It's the lucky stone you rub inside your pocket, compounded with your most vulnerable fantasies. It's the trust of being able to dazzle, despite overwhelming evidence of imperfection. It's a constant trial, and equal reward....

Ironclad and eternal, yet fragile and seeking...





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