Husband wanting to invite people over to our house

Post Reply New Topic

and I am not interested. He wants to invite his father around for New Years sometime for dinner. But his father is one of the least understanding people about mental illness and autism etc... He is in his late 60s and is very 'tough' and 'strict' ... don't know how else to describe him... he just isn't understanding. For example, when I told him it takes me two hours to do the dishes because of my OCD he says it's because I'm not organized and has no idea what OCD is.... he wouldn't bother to research/read about autism or OCD or anything like that.... I've decided I'm going to tell my husband that I don't want him over. I'm sure it will cause an argument but my life is hard enough without having ignorant people in it that don't care.... I don't need to hear more negative things about me than I already do from my husband and myself KWIM? Ugh.... :/

Do you benefit from having a quiet space? Is there a room in the house with a lock where you can go if you are getting overwhelmed that can be off limits to the in-laws?

My in-laws always stressed me out too, and basically wanted me to be a completely different person from who I really am. I guess it's a matter of compromise between you and your husband – so that he gets to spend some time with his family, but it stays within the limits of your coping ability.

Would it be possible if he visits his family at their house instead, and considers it his own quality time with his family, but you don't have to be involved?

Also, I have an aunt who simply can't handle visitors at her house, and the rest of the family accepts it. To me that seems a healthy and reasonable solution for people like us!

My feeling is that if people (such as family and in-laws) can't accept you, and make you feel bad about yourself, then you don't owe them anything, and shouldn't be forced to spend time with them. Your husband might not see it the same way, but I hope you can come to a workable compromise... Good luck!

This helps immensely. I can retreat into the bedroom when needed, and I'm not restricting anyone else from relaxing and socializing. If FIL continues to be critical of you, your husband should cut him off and possibly redirect the conversation. You'll never get understanding, but you can drive it home that your household is not his business.

If he does come over and the dishes subject comes up again, you may want to invite him to show you how to do the dishes quickly.

It has been said, "Everyone wants to be Hitler". However you often find that comments about what other think you should do diminish when the advising person is asked to do the work.

I feel bad about saying this, but maybe you should at least consider sucking it up and allowing your husband to invite people over. When you're married, there needs to be some give as well as take. I understand his family is awful. I think the above idea to have a retreat room is a good idea. My question is: does your husband ever get things the way he wants, or must he always give in to you and your disabilities? Maybe the truth is that you do all the giving and this is the one time you are putting your foot down. I don't know, but I wonder because I also belong to a forum of married NT and Aspie couples. I get so tired of listening to the NTs whine that their spouse always makes them give and give and give and never do any contributing. But maybe just because I don't understand a particular need does not mean that need does not exist.

Let your husband invite people over, then find yourself somewhere else to be.

As far as I can tell it's not inviting people over that is the problem, it's the particular person they've chosen to invite over. Having to deal with bigotry on New Year's is not my idea of a good time, either.

When you marry someone you marry their family. I don't think you can deny someone wanting their dad over for a holiday. You can tell your husband befoehand to try and change the subject if the offending topic comes up

If that is the case, the next time I catch myself considering marrying someone I will punch myself.

OR have him over because he's your husband's father and he wants to have him over. Decide in advance that you won't take anything he says personally. It's only a few hours or so out of your life that you'll have to tolerate him, and then he'll be gone. That seems like a pretty small sacrifice in order to let your husband have a holiday visit with his dad. If the old guy is truly being a jerk vs. ignorant of OCD & Autism, be assertive and put him in his place by telling him so.

I think some of you are being harsh. If he treats her like that why should she let him in? It's her house as well as her husbands.

I wasn't harsh.

1) It's his father. He's pretty much entitled to see his father.

2) Just because the guy is ignorant of OCD/Autism doesn't mean she has to take his ignorance personally and allow it to upset her so much. Just ignore it if it does come out. It's only a few hours or so of sacrifice so her husband can have a holiday visit with her father. It's not like she said he's verbally/physically abusive, he's just an old man who doesn't understand OCD & Autism and thus is set in his ways of thinking others should be able to do as he does.

3) I said if he is being a jerk, be assertive and let him know you're not going to put up with him insulting you in your home.

All of that is reasonable & not harsh at all, IMO.

When someone doesn't understand ASD and takes it out on me, I should just unupset myself. That's a brilliant idea. Why didn't I think of that before? I wonder why this forum exists when everything is so easy to solve. Duh me.

I don't know their relationship I don't know these people or what if anything was tried previously to curtail the offending behavior. What I am saying is the husband needs to know this is not appreciated, Attempt's should be made by the husband since it's his dad to curtail the behavior. If deflecting the conversation does not work or has not worked dad needs to be told it is our house, our rules. That sounds like something a strict old fashion person would understand and hopefully respect. Banning an immediate family member is a necessity sometimes, but really should be a last resort.

He may well do just that. Then the ball is back in your court.

No, because my husband expects me to be social and thinks it is rude for me to go in our bedroom to 'get away' from visitors. :/