Breaking suicidal focus. How?

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I have occasional periods of 3-6 days where I'll focus in on my problems, concentrating so fully that they blot out the rest of the world. They are sparked by new information that negatively impacts me. Previously these episodes have been pretty bad, to where I'd think about offing myself to escape them. They make me feel like I'm in the center of a black whirlwind with all the facts of my problem whirling around me. My concentration is by default very focused and narrow, and when turned inwards to look at myself it becomes a narrow spotlight that mentally hurts.

Recently these episodes have become much worse. My girlfriend is my only friend and the only reason I haven't killed myself. She has terminal breast cancer and my death, leaving her to face her fate alone, would be too cruel. Three weeks ago I received a professional diagnoses of Aspergers. This diagnoses set off one of my episodes, throwing a new factor into my problems.

The floor fell out from under me and I was dropped into a dark tornado of whirling facts, trying to find a solution to my problems. Over the years my mental anguish during these episodes has been increasing. This time my mind was hurting so bad that I starting pinching myself- the physical pain seemed to put some distance between me and my mental pain. Cutting my arm worked better, as that pain was more durable and intense. I tried every trick I could think of to stop the focused, whirling madness. Depression, loneliness, and death. Nothing worked. Tried meditating, taking 10 Xanax, tried to shift my focus to my job or a happy memory. Nothing could even slow down my thoughts much less dull my agony.

Finally, after 5 days of this agony, I worked out a solution to my problems. Quit my job, withdraw my retirement funds, and withdraw fifty thousand dollars cash advance off my credit cards. I would sell the house and car to my girlfriend for $1 then hand her a bag of cash to hide. I'd fly down to Los Angelas to throw the bill collectors off, then put a bullet in my head. This would mean leaving my girlfriend to face her end by herself, a terrible thing, but my mental suffering and anguish had gotten so bad that killing myself as soon as possible didn't seem like the only option, it seemed downright attractive. I was thirsting to die. After coming up with this solution, my focused whirlwind finally stopped and I was back to normal the next day. Unhappy, but calm. The pain had stopped and I no longer felt the immediate need to die.

My question is: has anyone experienced this devastating internal focused whirlwind and found a way to stop it? I don't think I can go through another one of these without harming myself. I can't break my concentration. I can't go through this much pain again. Even now while I am stable and feeling as good as I can (baseline=unhappy) I am contemplating getting a gun. Help please. I need to be able to stop this, make the black whirlwind go away. My sanity and my life depends on it. My psychiatrist gave me Zyprexa to take for the next episode but I have little confidence in it's efficacy.

Some background: I'm 40 years old and work as a mechanical engineer on ships. 12 hour days 7 days a week for 2 weeks at a time, followed by 2 weeks off. Not a bad job. Good time off. I run the engine room along with one other subordinate. It's noisy and we may say 5 sentences to each other in a day.

My girlfriend of 15 years was diagnosed with stage four (terminal) breast cancer 4 years ago. It's spread massively throughout her skeleton. She just recently exhausted a targeted chemo as a therapy and is now trying a hormone blocking drug. If it works we can expect her to get an extra year/year and a half. If it doesn't work she will be on the treatment of last resort- broad spectrum chemo. That will mean the end of the road is in sight. She is not only my girlfriend, she is my only friend. When she goes my plan is to use a .44 hollow point to put a fist sized hole where my brain stem is.
I am a high functioning autistic with major depressive disorder and anxious distress. Whatever that means. I'm an atheist. I'm severely impaired socially.
I've tried many antidepressants, and the only one that worked was Wellbutrin. It raised my baseline mood from unhappy to neutral, but was too activating. After kicking in fully it caused me to stay awake for 4 days straight. I currently take Depakote, Xanax, Ambien, and am beginning Cymbalta, which hasn't kicked in yet so I'm currently at my unhappy baseline.
I'm able to focus intently on what is currently in my mind, to the extent that it blocks out everything else completely. This has been an invaluable gift in my line of work. It allows me to concentrate my thoughts into a laser beam to pursue solutions to problems. I actually need to shake myself out of my concentration every few minutes to take in the larger picture around me; the engine room is a dangerous place. I've been an engineer for 21 years, 6 years of that as a steam engineer in the Navy.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Well, you won't be setting a very good example for the rest of us if you just check out without paying the bill. Who knows man, maybe the day after you end it there will be a little kid that dies because you were not there to save him/her. Is that kids life worth taking with you? You will die eventually, we all will, the question you need to ask yourself is do you want the last act of your life to be selfish or selfless? Hell, I will probably be standing in your shoes in 17 years looking at the future and then looking for a way out. What would you tell tell me? What would you want me to do? So, before you choose remember that your life may very well foreshadow my own.

Sherlock, thanks for the reply, but suicidal thoughts aren't whats causing my problem. When I am feeling normal, suicide is just a vague probability to occur in the future. I can live with the dull depression of everyday existence.

I need advice on how to break out of the torture of my focused concentration. The black whirlwind. That's what causes my pain and makes suicide an immediate necessity.

I'm like you in that I take medication for depression. In my case it's Risperdal. (Sure makes me sleepy).

How do I break out of my own black whirlwind? I just stay busy. Negative thoughts bring me down and there's nothing I can do about those. I just surf the internet, post here on WP, watch videos, watch movies, make some hot tea, maybe drink some soup. Anything to keep my mind from sinking.

Your situation with your girlfriend is a dire one. No one should have to go through what you both are. I really wish you the best of luck.

I get like that. I have just gotten out of a moderate episode of depression brought on by a lot of recent changes. Everything is negative and suicide is the only option. Those negative thoughts you were talking about. I am good with my psych meds. I don't feel too bad (like I don't feel the depressed or anxious emotions) but my thoughts are screwed up. So my baseline mood level is good, I think. It has taken me a long time to get here.

Honestly though, medicine ain't nothing compared to my depression. It might have to do with AS. I get obsessed with stuff, usually negative stuff. I get really absorbed in it. A few things help me: 1) writing about it 2) talking about it 3) meditation focused on mindfulness (If I get lost in thought, I tell myself internally, "stop". I count my breaths to stay in the present moment.)

Those three things I mentioned are day-to-day maintenance. I also have a psychotherapist that I see on a regular basis to work through negative emotions slowly over time.

Do you have support for what you are going through right know with your girlfriend? That would make anyone feel terrible, mental health issues or not.

I think I know what you mean. Back in 09 I had a two month period of catatonic depression. The walls felt like they were closing in and death seemed like an itch that each day kept gnawing deeper into me. In short it sucked like a turbo charged Dyson . It may seem strange but the thing that broke me out of this focused funk was my violin. I played it for like three days straight and somehow I felt better. Try something that requires a lot of focus but gives you peace at the same time.

Anti psychotics are usually good for slowing dowm thoughts.