Hi from very lonely mommy

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Hello Everybody,

I'm a mummy of a 3++ years old boy who has an Autism spectrum and basically that ruined all my life... cause instead of feeling mother or friend, parent etc. I end up feeling more lonely as before....

It's difficult for me to share this and sure many people with special needs children have it much much harder than I do, but as someone clever said: "God send us difficulties only so hard as we can manage them"...
So, I'm hardly managing mine one.

As I was child I was alone always: never hard much friends and never was loved from parents, as a teenager the same but even worse with home violence from my mom. As a young girl lots of attention, but nothing serious and jealousy from other women. So, I promised if someone loves me I'll do everything to make this person happy in response.
I married and went to live abroad. I thought , that I finally escaped from home, from loneliness! But I ended up, that my husband (nice guy) is extreme egocentric and best for him if he is never bothered from nobody... First was very hard but later learned to live with it...
After quite some years (we've living in several countries) we agreed to became more responsible and have a baby - I was happy as I was pregnant: I thought I will live for my child to show him the world and teach him all I learned....

But reality was different: My son was difficult since day one... Always something extra, strange games etc. I was concern, asking doctors and expect "every child is different" not reply.... Additionally very much similarities in his behaviour with my husband, as never try something new etc.
AS I result, when my child was about 2 , I've sent him to school and realised how strange he is.... Then docs, tests etc - and Autism Spectrum...

Now he's 3++ goes to special school and even can say very limited vocabulary... he's developing, but still much behind normal kids, had tantrums, lots of freaking out issues... etc

and at the end I stayed double ALONE, having husband that is not interested in me, having family circle that things that Me & My husband stupid parents not able to deal with a child (my son is pretty and from first sigh you never guess how much problems he has) and even worse Having child that never ask me, never share with me and generally treat me as CAREGIVER....

Please help me, share with me how do you deal with this feelings?
I feel so lonely and all I do is useless, that is never going to be recognised....

How do you hope with feeling lonely?

Thank you soo much for all who spend at least a second to read my story...

Hi, nulik.
I don't have any answers, but I'm listening. Keep talking and someone is sure to answer.
What country/state do you live in now?
I checked your profile, but it doesn't say. (It says you're male, not much help there...)
Lots of towns have local support groups now, especially if you live near a large city.

Dear Tahitiii,

thank you for paying attention to my message.
I'm one nationality, husband another and we currently live in Singapore. Here's good support for autistic children (they took all programs from USA (copy-paste). But Asian mentality is not very much open to talk about this issues, even the people are nice here.

It isn't easy and I don't have the answers.

You might try these, perhaps they will give you some temporary answers. Maybe even something more than just for a moment,

http://lettersfromholland.com

http://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/18771.html

I do know what it's like to want to find others like you (in your same situation).
It's great that you're reaching-out here. I've only been a member (here) two weeks, yet, already, I feel as if many people here genuinely care, so I would think that, if you keep posting, too, more & more people will respond, and give you helpful ideas.

It's good that you realize that many, other people also go through very 'hard times'.

Although I do not know what it's like to have a three year-old son who has autism, I've worked (directly) with several three year-olds who've had significant 'disabilities' and I believe that I, myself, am (also) on the spectrum (so I know something about autism) and, more importantly, I witnessed my terminally-ill, older sister (she was given five years to live, but lived six...and, amongst those six years of regular doctors appointments, had an important, active, administrative job [in-charge of about 130 people]) (and, by the way, no pity is being sought by me here - I'm just trying to make a helpful point - but thank you kindly, anyway:) (I witnessed my sister) provide tremendous love & support for her profoundly handicapped four year-old son (...he eventually died from his daily medical problems [which, every year, every day, required full-time, in-home nurses...and many doctor's appointments] [[throughout his almost-nine-year life]]...) so, what I'm trying to say - to help YOU - is that you need to continue (as you are) to 'keep in mind' that, against tremendous odds, tremendous obstacles CAN be dealt with in strong, positive and inspiring ways. Others have done it. Seek-out those people. (As you know, hospitals and nursing homes are full of 'em.) Hopefully, others are watching you and quietly being taught strength & perspective from your positive attitude. (It's ok to feel down. That can happen to anyone, everyone. We all need support, sometimes.)

The most important thing is for you to keep trying to meet your sons' needs and I bet you will learn a lot from others here who, like you, "haven't had it easy"/have had 'a hard time'. You will likely draw strength from their heart-felt stories. (Like I said, everyone needs to regularly refresh their strength.)

So, I think you're 'on the right track'. Just keep seeking help and it will begin to 'show-up', a little at-a-time.

You should respect all the work you've been "putting in"/doing (for three years).

Congratulations and good luck!

(Ps, just for fun, I'm going to congratulate mySELF on such an amazingly-bad, 185-word sentence/paragraph [above]! Boy, I've out-done myself! Talk about a 'run-on', poorly-written sentence!' That was terrrrrrrible! Haha! Sorry!

(Hey! Ya gotta laugh at yourself sometimes, right?! !

Is this worth anything? http://iautistic.com/autism-support-gro ... ectory.php
Don't bother with the parents' support groups. All they do is tell you what's wrong with you and waste your time. Find a group for adult Aspies or HFA, with as little professional supervision as possible. Or better yet, once you get a foot in the door, create your own spin-off group, run by and for Aspies, and facilitated it yourself. (The facilitator who facilitates least facilitates best.)

The "AspieRing" near the bottom of that list sounds promising (invite-only discussion group for HFAs & Aspies) but you need to sign in and probably jump through a few hoops. (Living in New Jersey, I'm not that interested.)

I start saying that I don’t have children, with or without autism, so I cannot be of great help in this matter.
But there is something reading your story that let me think maybe the problem is your perception of others. You think that your husband is “egocentric”, and you said that your child is like the father, so I suppose he is also in some way autistic. It is possible that that is the problem, maybe he is not egocentric, but he don’t know how to express his feelings and emotions. Have you tried to talk to him about your loneliness and the problem with your child? It is possible that he cares about you and the child.

You also say that your child don’t express love, that it seems you are only a caregiver. I suppose this is normal for an autistic child, it doesn’t mean he didn’t feel anything. And there is some truth in the caregiver idea, I mean you are and will be vital for this child, for his survival, and he knows it. He probably understand that he is different, and has more need of his mum than other children have. If you are blind, you seek support from someone who can see, if you are a blind child you seek even more support, because you know how you are weak. For your child you are the light, but this doesn’t mean you cannot be mum also, but you can’t expect him to express his feeling like other children.

We're glad to have you here at Wrong Planet. Welcome!

Nulik, I understand where it feels like your life is ruined, because you've tried really hard and keep trying and don't feel it's ever quite working. But there is hope, and things can get better. It is really hard, though, not feeling supported by your husband--which his pulling away might be his way of dealing with the frustration and worry about your child, even guilt if they are similar, which is sad because you need each other! But you deal with this by looking for small steps forward and recognizing your child loves you, just does not show it in a typical way. And by getting whatever support you can for how much you love and want to be there for him.

Dear All thank you soooooo much for all your posts!

Having few words from you means lot for me. Thank you!

Waterfalls - you very much got my situation. I really try to concentrate exactly on small step and for some time it works, but then people start comprising my child with equal age normal children - it hurts cause always explanation that you do something wrong and that you're not capable to make your child learn, behave etc And specially it hurts when you hear that from relatives - in our case from my husband side and even from my side that is strong opinion....
Anyway thank you for the website link, very powerful stories!

Max_italian - don't get me wrong, my husband nice person, but "in his own world". He loves us (me& kid) but in the way that we are not bothering him. That was always and therefore I thought in my child I'll have someone that bothers me and communicate with me... Therefore it is so hard for me, cause I'm very outgoing person and easy to get on with... but now I got locked in situation when I'm married and have a child but, don't feel neither like wife and neither like mommy.
I understand that my child loves me in his special way, but it is hard to accept - maybe in few years I'll do so...

Tahitii - I'm about to learned some people from my son's school. Thank you very much for the idea.

WilFindUnderstndng - thank you for a nice story and nice encouraging words! Your Paragraph is very nice - keep continuing!
How old are you?

Thank you. I'm glad that we've each tried to help you (a little) (and maybe HAVE [a little]).


( 38 )

Hi nulik. I joined WP today just so that I could reply to you. First, let me say that I am so sorry that you are so lonely! Marriage is hard work; parenting is even harder. Without a support system, both can leave you feeling drained, as if all anyone around you ever does is "take". I get it.

What really moved me was your story about your son. I'm the mother of 2.5 yr old twin boys, both of whom are autistic. The period after they were diagnosed was the worst. I was so scared for them. I felt guilty, thinking that I had done something to cause it. I felt angry at my husband and family for being in denial and judging me as a mother. I was even mad at the doctors who diagnosed it - obviously they were wrong and just liked to throw around labels. It was a confusing and dark time. BUT - it did get better. And it can get better for you!

Here are the things that helped me:

1) recognizing that my sons are STILL my children. They're same boys that grew in my belly. 50% of their genes came from me. That means that there are things that we share. When I stopped to really look, I saw so much of myself in them, even in some of their negative personality traits. Being autistic doesn't make them aliens from outer space.

2) They were made the way God/the universe/natural selection (or whatever you believe in) intended. They are perfect just as they are, in the sense that they were born on this earth for a reason.

2) Your

Sorry - meant to preview and accidentally hit submit! Okay, I'll hurry up and finish.

3) I had to forget what anyone else said. Their opinions and judgments are irrelevant.

4) I had to open my mind to the way that my boys express love. Most autistics do express love, or seek to share their world in some way with the people they trust. Look for those, nothing matter how unusual they might seem. And let them be enough. All of the talk around autism is about how to fix it - and certainly some therapies will help with quality of life. But, the most important thing as a MOM is LISTENING to what your child is trying to say, not trying to force him to say it differently. The big, bad "society" that everyone is trying to prepare autistic folks for should be outside the house. Everyone at their (NT included) core just wants to be seen and understood for who they are.


We're taking it day by day here, but one year after diagnosis, we are HAPPY. Not just surviving, but truly a happy family. S

Dear "pddtwinmom",

I appreciate your story and encouragement for "nulik" and agree that people on "the spectrum" (both young and old) are valuable.

Welcome