don't know how to help AS friend

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I know I've posted about this before, but I'm frightened for my friend/boyfriend/guy/whatever. (Complicated.) He lives far from me, is mid-40s, has seldom been able to make a go of things outside school, and is just too old now to go back and be the promising student. And has no money for it anyhow. He's been bouncing from room to room, couch to couch, for the entire time I've known him. Mostly unemployed for the last year, not for lack of applying for jobs. Desperately craves friendship, but at this point he's too old to hang with 20somethings and people closer to our age send him into a tailspin, just remind him of what he hasn't been able to do (family, house, DL, reasonably adult-looking life). Blows up at people reliably enough that being thrown out of places (rooms, jobs) is a usual thing. Offends people deeply without knowing how, and they cut off contact. I see his room via skype (a temp living situation, but nothing's lined up next) and I get a terrible sinking feeling...no furniture, his things scattered about....papers, clothing, no organization. Describes himself as stunted, can't see where to turn next, or how, clings to hope that this person or that will find him a job. Spends his time strenuously avoiding looking at his own situation so that he can keep on: plays video games, walks around, rereads novels, sleeps. Extremely bright, accomplished musically, top schools, but has not been seriously engaged in anything for a long time, maybe partly because day-to-day survival takes so much energy. He can get on socially with people at a very high level -- comes across as very impressive -- for a short while, then collapses and is afraid he's ruined everything. And is frightened; doesn't see what will become of himself.

I can't invite him to live here. Can't take the unfiltered moods and meltdowns, have a child to think of, and have too much to carry as it is. But I get a terrible sense of dread watching him, it's like he can't use his hands to grab onto any sort of handhold (except friends here and there; he's very good at finding people to do him little favors that get him by, though it doesn't always work and then he's stranded). His parents are older and not well; sibs are starting to get on, too.

Advice?

No, I'm certainly not trying to push him to be anything. It's self-inflicted.

He doesn't live in the US and will not be able to get disability unless he moves back here, and for multiple reasons he won't.

Leave him alone and he'll come home, bringing his tail behind him!

All kidding aside, a lot of artistic people go in and out of times to work and times to do nothing and just be. He might need the low functioning time, at times. "There is a time for everything under the sun..."

Take care of yourself and your future in the meantime. Just in case he comes back, and just in case he does not. He might be back, and that might be good, but do what you need first.

Reading this and "Being Allowed," I can see better where you are coming from in the "when is it our turn" thread.
While I can identify with aspects of the troubles you describe, the life he is living now reminds me of a period in my own life when I dropped out of school and was at loose ends. That was decades of steadily employed, married, home-owning life ago. There are ways in which we are alike, but we are all unique as snowflakes (as you disparagingly put it).

What sort of advice are you looking for? It isn't clear.

I think Marky9's advice was very good. Take care of yourself and your child and only help him in ways that don't harm you.

I wonder what sort of music he does? People can be more tolerant of eccentric behavior in artists. If there was some way he could use his musical abilities to create I come or goodwill, he might be able to cultivate a sense of agency in his fate and this could, nurtured carefully and with some rational support, be life-changing.

Good luck.

He was a professional concert pianist, then tried to escape that and go to academe, which was intolerable even though they loved him there and cut him huge slack. He just wants out of music permanently, and I can understand that.

Agency is a big issue, yep.

A lot of what's going on really isn't his fault -- it's absolutely a s**t time economically, and has been for a while. No sign of improvement on the horizon. And it's very hard to make a fresh start when there are all these bright-eyed young people around also desperate for entry-level work. But he doesn't have much context to see these things by and his friends and family are all quite successful, so to him it just looks like his own defectiveness. That's why I think it'd be very helpful to recognise self as OK...actually, I guess what I'm seeing is this in progress. It's just slow and very difficult, and exacerbated by serious daily problems.

As for "what kind of advice" -- well, at this point, how best and least energetically to find safe haven, I suppose. He's been close to the edge a long time and is well aware of it, is under pressure all the time, and at this point I'm mostly afraid that he's going to snap out at the wrong person and get arrested, possibly deported. I don't know that anyone would come to his rescue or continue to help him afterwards. He has no diagnosis and I don't see him either wanting one or getting himself organised to get one anytime soon.

A stable, quiet place with no threats, no demands, just peace and some small degree of friendliness, and access to a kitchen, would go a long way towards helping, I think, but I don't know where this place is. As far as I can make out, there are essentially no services for adults with AS where he is, just bits of friendship groups that meet sporadically and seem to require own transportation. He hasn't any money for therapists and there are long waiting lists for public services.

What does one do to take the pressure off?

It's a great song, great video, too. It seems he's being evicted, though; monopolized the house's kitchen area, made someone else uncomfortable, or some such.

Anyway, the idea was to get away from music. Can't compose his own anyway. And yeah, there are a few places with active groups, knowledgeable therapists, etc.