Do you ever feel emotionally dead on the inside?

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This has got to be one of the worst aspects of being socially challenged. People who relate well to others have more opportunities for emotional fulfilment and reciprocity.

It's one thing if you're a person with socialization challenges who doesn't need socialization to be happy; it's another thing if you're a person who does feel a need for it but is unable to attract it into your life. The exhaustion and constant failure can leave you feeling emotionally cauterized by life, or just dead on the inside. I see it as a terrible thing and am doing everything I can to not give in to it. I don't think humans are meant to feel that way.

When I was younger, before I knew anything about AS, I just thought I had to "try harder". So I tried to be extra nice, thinking in automotive terms: "want things to hurry up? just give it a bit more gas..."

It didn't work. I ended up exhausted, not more liked by others than before, and probably seen as a naive idiot.. and I still didn't achieve quality human ties.

I learned that some people can give an average amount of their time and friendship to others, and get above average reciprocity from others. On the other hand, others can give a lot of their time and friendship, but get absolutely nothing back. The only logical answer is to stop giving, and become reclusive...but then you are back to the drawing board, and possibly hurt on top of it all. So, the end result ends up being a negative number.

Even so, I can't imagine just giving up. What a waste of life it is to just give up. I don't want to give up, even though I still have no concept of how to make socialization work effectively so that there is TRUE reciprocity. I am still reading and studying, hoping to make a eureka breakthrough one day.

As a result, I don't think I have depression because despite a lifetime of inadequate social achievement, I am constantly hopeful. Maybe irrationally so, but I prefer having hope to declaring a total give-up.

Sorry for venting but there's something good about sharing it with others who are the most likely to understand.

I feel similarly. My mom frequently nags me, that I should get out more and interact with others. But it's not that I won't interact with them but that I can't interact with them in a meaningful way. So I often give up on going out altogether, even though I want, so much, to connect with people. it's almost as though something said or done by me would be met with a totally different response than if someone else had done the action. After awhile, getting so little for so much effort gets exhausting, and that's why I withdraw. I love this one line of yours, by the way:

Pretty much (well, apart from anxiety), but whatever.

The key is to meet likeminded people (aspergians). Successful interaction (long term and depth) with others depends largely on 1. the extent to which they have similar interests and world views, and 2. the extent to which they can understand and cope with each other's neurological wiring and base personality traits. If either one is lacking, you are going to have a problem.

Even if there are no autism support groups nearby, you can use online communities as a substitute. On wrongplanet you could use the forums, chats, video chats, play online games with wrongplaneters, use the facebook group and so on. It's not the same as real life interaction but it's better than nothing; I noticed that I get depressed if there is no one to talk to, even online communication is helpful (but then again you might be more social than I am). Of course it's not guaranteed that you will not run into some, or even alot of unpleasant people and situations but you will also have a better chance to meet perfect matches than if you just hanged around with random neurotypicals.

A lot of people with ASD talk about social interaction as unnecessary here at Wrong Planet. That confuses me---why do we come here then, if not for the connection to others?

I feel dead inside all the time. I just assumed it was part of the package when I was born. I was educated on suicide and what it is later and thought, "I guess that what it is." Suicide thoughts is more of a on-and-off again side effect of it but not the main cause. I have tried so hard in the past in make real life friends, but now I don't even bother and just have a few corespondents via e-mail to stop me from going off the rails socially. I don't really know how other autistic folks deal with the emotional emptiness all the time.

Yep, I think I can relate. I spent many years working it, blithely skipping along waving the hackneyed banners of "Act As If" and "Fake It Until You Make It". After about six decades of that I ran out of steam. One can only ignore being ignored for so long, and I think I gave it a good long try.

Where I am today is not about giving up, but practicing Acceptance, much as some in my family with physical disabilities accept their circumstances. They will never have the opportunity to take part in group activities like running marathons or dancing the night away. And because of their disabilities they have to endure stares, avoidance, and ostracization. Their situations also have negative social consequences. So watching how they practice Acceptance can inspire me.

Yeah, I still often feel numb inside from not having my darn primate-driven social needs met. But that is the hand I've been dealt - so meh, looking at some of my relatives I figure I could be worse off.

Numb? Sometimes.
Socially anxious? Definitely.
Depressed, to the point of thinking about suicide? I'm thinking about that now, again.

I can't speak for all Aspies, but I do know what happens when I spend extended periods alone: I end up with the classic symptoms associated with solitary confinement.

On the other hand, I have a declining threshold for actually being out and around humans. For instance, today I got out for the first time since Tuesday morning, partly because I didn't want to risk leaving it any longer, partly because it was the first day in several that I thought I could face a bus, and actually had a conversation with another Aspie!! !. He's a nice chap - very interested in the welfare of those less fortunate than himself. Chalk up one achievement.

I was out for waaaayyyy too long (about 8 hours), and by the time I got home I had really crashed. The feeling was not numbness - more a combination of depression and anxiety, and social exhaustion. It's not as bad as it was - I can actually now sit and write this - but there is no way in Hell I am going out again for at least a couple of days.

Needless to say, I'm incredibly socially isolated, and I don't think it's good for me. Not good translates as (probably fairly high) suicide risk, not that there are many who would miss me. Like others here, I live, no exist, on the social margins, and it is not healthy.

I, for one, have an absolute psychological need for some level of social contact which is a long way from being met, and numbness, in the sense of dissociation, is only one consequence. I've become seriously messed up.

When I read people mentioning thoughts of suicide, I shudder. That's something that thankfully never crosses my mind.

I think that having a special interest can be a great outlet for such hopeless feelings. Even if we cannot attract the sort of warm and caring friendships into our lives, the special interest can re-ignite some feelings of happiness. Of course, hopefully the special interest is wholesome and not something unhealthy, but that goes without saying.