Rudeness and stuff....

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So here's my story, I'm not diagnosed and totally unsure if I have Asperger's or not.

I got to know a little more about asperger through this game "To the moon", and when I researched, the articles looked like they were talking a little about me.

All my live I've had communication and social problems, for example, as a kid, I didnt want to answer the phone at my house. and as an adolescent, I didn't like to go to stores, for instance, to buy me clothes, because I didn't know how to speak to the salesman. I thought all of this was just shyness. Not even in social boards or forums I like to express myself, for instance, I've known of this forum for a couple of months now, and didn't intended to post anything, until now.

I'm hardly able to keep any friends, and I guess deep inside I don't really care about this.
I'm high functioning, I have a job, but there are days that I don't say anything to my coworkers. Actually, I almost say nothing, except work related stuff.

And, somehow, I've managed to get a wife. I love her, and she says she loves me, but that I'm too rude with her.
We had this fight, and now I'm out the house.

The thing is, I don't know if this rudeness is asperger related, or if I'm just using it as an excuse to be rude.
I'm certainly not rude on purpose.
She said to me that everyone in my family thinks I'm rude, and until then I was kind of clueless about it.
There are times tha she gets angry, saying I'm being rude with her, and I didn't even notice, like I was not angry or nothing.

I'm not saying I dont get angry. And I admit that when angry, I can't control myself.
But that is a rare thing I guess...

Anyway I'm totally confused about having or not asperger. I dont want it to be an excuse for my actions.
I just got married, I dont want to be rude to my wife, but I don't know how to do it.
Sometimes, the slighest thing I say, she thinks it's rude, and for me is totally ok.
She also told me about the tone of voice, but I can't help it. If I get angry then it gets worse.

I just wanted to know if this has a chance to be asperger related, or if i'm just a b***h for not treating my wife as she deserves.

What you guys think? And how should I get some help?

Have you got an example of how you were rude?

It's mainly about the way I say things, for example:

One day we were at the elevator going up to our apartment, from the underground garage.
I had a headache, so I said her that I was going to the pharmacy to buy some pills. I wanted to go alone, I said to her "You can stay at home, I'll go quickly".
But she insisted to go with me. Her son was with us, and he was going to the apartment.
I don't remember it well, but I told her to get the keys.
She was not finding them. At this time the elevator stopped for us to get out. She didn't had the keys yet.
A man was trying to get into the elevator, so I got out quickly, and she got out after the guy had entered.
At this time I asked "Got the keys?". Somehow, i guess for the rush of getting out from the elevator and the headache, I said it in a rude tone. But I wasnt mad at all. I just asked if she had managed to get the keys.
SHe got angry, saying I had mistreated her in front of unknown person.

Its the way I say things... the tone of voice...
I dont talk much, and I dont like to.
Sometimes, so that I dont have to say much (i guess), I say things fast and directly, and it ends up being rude. But it's not my intention.
I dont have an example for this one.

Other times I ask something, and she doesnt answer, or answer another question, so I have to ask it again, and I end up, again, being rude.
One timem we're at the street, heading to the car, at night. And she said to me, "wait, let's see blablabla", I didn't understand what she said, so I asked what is it? She actually was concerned about another car that had stopped next to us at that moment, thought it was a burglar or something, but i didnt understand that.
She didn't answer my question, she was just staring at the other car at distance, So I had to ask "what is it" like 3 times.
When she answered I said "So let's get moving", but I actually wanted to say that it was better if we entered the car soon and fast to get moving, since the other car was somewhat suspicious.
But I just said "So lets get moving fast". and it ended up being rude too.

I get accused of being mean pretty often when I have no desire or intention of being mean. For example, on another thread someone had posted a video and the girl in the video had a headband with a bow. When I first saw it I did not realize it was a headband, I thought it was just a bow so the way it was sitting on her head, I could not understand or figure out why it was on her head that way so it looked weird to me. I posted a post asking if anyone thought it was weird. Once I figured out it was actually a headband I was able to understand it and it made sense to me and then it did not seem as weird to me and it was actually cute. But my husband told me that when I thought it was weird and I posted that asking if anyone else thought so, he said that I was being mean. I was not trying to be mean at all, I just did not quite understand why someone would use a bow like that. But there was no meanness or judgement at all in my intention. But to him it came across as mean. And there have been times when other people have said things to me that I thought came across as mean because their voice sounded aggressive. And when I asked them if they meant to yell at me they apologized and said they have not meant that at all but they were just stressed about something else. So it is very easy to misunderstand and I think it is important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to ask them if they really intended to be mean or not. But it might be that the way the words came out or the tone of your voice might have confused her.

Do you actually like your wife? Because if you don't, there might not be an issue here.

It's all about tone of voice and all that crap. So complicated and confusing.

Well I do actually. I love her, she is kind and comforting to me, pretty and awesome as a person, friendly.
also, we have great sex, and we get along well.

But she says that I'm too rude for her. And I'm afraid she's right, so I want to change...

I really don't know what happens, that's why i'm here.
I'm not a very experienced person, socially speaking. That's why I never knew how rude I was, until I met and married her.
She says that I'm rude, and now, my sister confirms it, and my family...
Maybe I didn't had enough relationships to learn that I'm rude.
I was never told that that way. I mean, she says it, like it's my nature.
Of course, everyone gets mad, and risks to listen a "how rude of you", occasionally. But as she says, and as my family confirms, I'm rude, I've always been rude, and I didn't know it was this bad.

From this you get to know that even with my family my communication is not so good.

My wife sometimes says I'm being rude due to my tone of voice. I'm unaware of the tone at the time though. I think it happens when I'm feeling frustrated or irritated about something and I have an exasperated tone that my wife finds rude.... then she sulks and leaves me wondering why she is so upset. Gah! Women.

I think you summed up for me....
The times she complains about me being rude, I have that exasperated tone... often when frustrated, not about her, but other things.

I don't know if stress have to do with it too. But I find it quite relaxing sitting alone, not saying anything....
I haven't had so much of these since I married. Could it be stressing me out?

My work doesn't count for me, even if I'm not saying anything, there's always some coworkers chitchatting, which annoys me.

I got accused of being rude the other day. I thought I was only having a joke but the other party thought I was being rude.

It was still funny though, even my boss thought it was funny.

Even if it is aspergers, what can I do about it?
What have you done about it, if you feel the same?

I don't like to be that way, and my wife certainly doesn't deserve it from me.
Like TallyMan, often I'm unaware of the things I do, so how am I supposed to fix it, if I don't know when it happens in the first place?

If it is a tone thing, then practice using another tone.

I was in a childrens home when I was a kid and every time I spoke out of term or was going too far, my key worker used to just raise one finger to me. To let me know. It was just a little arrangement we had between ourselves, it wasn't a big deal.

With me, I take a joke too far and get into trouble, so I have to tone down my jokes.

Sometimes my husband and I will email each other. That really helps because then there is no "tone" of voice to deal with and you can just read instead. I find that we can really communicate well that way. You might also just try to talk softly. That could make a difference too.

But it's easy to misunderstand people. One time we were with some friends and my husband was talking about something and I kind of zoned out. I had just found out a few minutes earlier that a friend on another forum had passed away. But when I zone out I get a kind of stare on my face. One of the girls asked my husband what was wrong with me and he said,"Oh she's just mad about something." Of course back then no one knew that I was Aspie and that I zone out a lot so I guess whenever I got that look on my face, people just assumed I was mad.

I have trouble in the opposite direction. So used to everything being my fault it's difficult to show annoyance towards others when appropriate. People actually dislike that as well.

One thing I've been trying to do is to let myself sound annoyed when I want something and be sure to underline or point out what it is I want, so people know. Otherwise, sometimes they know they are behaving poorly and start getting defensive. If I'm assuming it's me (for example I might think I failed to communicate, or I might think I am edgy from too much noise) things don't go as well.

Maybe Aspieornotaspie, rather than labeling yourself as rude it might help more to identify what you want so your wife's attention can go to sympathizing or fixing a problem instead of her feeling criticized and criticizing you back. People are often happy to have a problem (other than themselves) to try to fix. I don't know if this would work or help you, but maybe, so wanted to try the idea out. I sometimes have trouble making myself understood---I hope this made sense at least so you can think about.

I wonder if I could make this work somehow for my husband, too?