Advice on obsession while married

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I am an Apsie girl, happily married and with children. I have almost always obsessed about the opposite sex - it started before I even knew about 'the birds and the bees'. I remember obsessing about a boy when I was 8, just loving his eyes and the shape of his neck. There was one obsession which lasted throughout secondary school and I was guilty of some stalking behaviour and got very depressed - extremely unhappy memories. As an adult, this tendency has been dampened a bit by some good, functional relationships (one of whom is now my husband - a very laid back, tolerant and sociable NT). I have also learned to hide my feelings. None of this behaviour made any sense to me until I discovered about Aspergers.

The thing which I want advice on is this. Up until recently, the objects of my obsessions have not returned my feelings and I never expected them to (the only exception being my now-husband). However, I have recently been put in the mind-blowing situation of my latest obsession admitting feelings for me. Confused doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I can see that my marriage is a good one. I know that I have only fantasised about this other man because I am prone to repetitive thoughts which give me a buzz. Severing contact with this man would be heart-breaking for me (I have very few real friends and he is one of them), as well as having to be very public about the situation (we work together on a regular basis). My husband is unbelievably understanding and is letting me try and deal with this in my own way.

I am begging for any advice on how to stop an obsession with someone you see regularly and who you know wants you???

Well…there are two ways to handle this…

One way involves doing what I feel is the right and best thing to do for anyone in your situation (including, at times, myself), and will almost certainly keep you marriage in good health albeit not EXACTLY solve your problem.

The other way means someone is GOING to lose.

1) Reserve thoughts/fantasies for your own mind and otherwise forget about it. Stop seeing this guy. You're husband won't have to worry about where your feelings are and will feel amazingly secure in his marriage to you…a security far surpassing what most married couples experience.

2) Give in and spend one good night with the guy.

I would generally suppose #2 to be bad advice. It all just depends on your husband. I'm not the type of guy who is so willing to share. Some guys can be cool with that, and you described your husband as "tolerant and laid back." So you might not have to be so concerned with this ruining your relationship. If that's the case, go enjoy yourself!

Where I think you're REALLY going to run into trouble if you go through with it is if this guy turns out to have some serious feelings for you beyond "Hey, you're cute! Let's have some fun!" which sounds to me what's really going on. If that's the case you got more than a physical/emotional attraction or tension going on…you've got someone who is going to compete with your husband for your attention. Which means SOMEONE is going to lose--either the other guy once you get this itch out of your system, or your husband when you try to make everyone happy. YOU end up losing either way. So what I'd think about is which way I'd rather lose in which I'd lose the least. In my mind, I prefer losing in a way that favors keeping my wife and my children. It's really a pretty big win when you think about it, and for me the loss is always negligible.

I'm not going to lie to you…I'm a guy and I do the same kind of thing. There were a couple of girls I slept with in college, one that turned into a long, beautiful relationship until I graduated and had to come back home. I don't think a day goes by I don't think about them. My greatest comfort is in that my relationship with my wife ultimately had a future, whereas the others never could have. And while I was away, I didn't exactly encourage my then on/off gf to stay true for the duration. It was our friendship that survived and drew us back together. We take our wedding vows very seriously and consider our time wandering from bed to bed to be over. It's not that somehow being married magically makes temptation disappear. We've both had our share of fantasies, temptations, and near-disasters. At the end of the day no one else matters, and staying emotionally/intimately loyal to each other isn't even open to discussion anymore. It's almost like we can't even comprehend anyone else in the picture.

Refocus your obsession on your husband and your marriage is the best advice I feel I can give. I don't see how your best good can come about any other way.

For goodness sake do not tell this man at work that you have feelings for him, it will not end well.

I remember when I pretended to be okay with my significant other confessing feelings for someone else while still loving me.

But deep down I was really hurt and felt like I wasn't good enough. It took a while to recover, however the only reason why I handled it so well was because I was just glad that she had the ovaries to tell me upfront.

What I'm trying to say is just because your husband seems okay with it means he really is. I'm not saying whether he is or isn't, obviously I don't know the guy, but I'm just posting this to tell you to be careful and make sure you're really there for him. I know there are people out there were a situation like this wouldn't bother them at all, but I think most people deep down it would. I would just make sure to show gratitude for his understanding and support.

If he told you you need to figure it out for yourself, does that mean he's telling you to sleep with the dude? What does he mean? What do you think he means? If you're not sure, you may want him to clarify.


IDK this just sounds like baaaad news..

As for getting over the obsession.. The only way I was ever able to get over obsessions that were people was cutting them completely out of my life. No contact, no seeing, no nothing. When I do this unmedicated it can take up to a year to really fully let it go (of course this example was with an ex girlfriend), medicated a situation like this could have taken half the time or even less.
By medicated I mean taking Prozac, which I used to take to get rid of obsessive thought.. It works quite well actually.

The situation described by "aston12" is the exact situation my AS wife is in.

She has always obsessed about a select few men from afar. Until recently they have remained unaware and therefore posed no direct threat to me/our relationship.

In the last few months a subject of her obsession has become aware and has admitted to having similar feelings i.e. they are both drawn to each other both physically and intellectually. My wife has contemplated severing contact with him but feels this would leave her life "lacking colour" and would invariably leave her resenting me (even though I’m largely a helpless spectator in the whole situation).

She intends to get to know him better such that she can determine if perhaps her fantasy could be real. Only if it was, would she consider leaving me. She says that the likelihood of the reality living up to the fantasy is unlikely. Doesn't stop me worrying though! I feel as if I’m stuck in the court room awaiting a verdict!

I struggle daily with extending my wife the freedom she needs to find closure. I try to contain my own feelings of hurt and loneliness so as to give her that freedom. None the less she claims to be ashamed of her feelings. Often, I am blamed for making things harder for her by showing my hurt (sometimes my face simply betrays me!).

I love my wife and want her with me of her own free will unburdened by guilt or regret. The path to achieving this however seems so dam hard!

I'm an extreme NT (wife AS) and I don't know how much of this situation is related to her AS?

Help....................

Guy with the AS wife: What kind of love does your wife respond best to. Time to win her back by making her remember what she loved about you. Make her feel loved. Chances are this other guy may be doing exactly that. By doing nothing, you probably will lose her. I know when I don't show love to my girlfriend, I run the risk of losing her.

Simply put OP, when you mention something to your husband or boyfriend about other men, we have to pay attention to the words and the possible feelings, the facial expressions and certain other details to figure certain things out. I am starting to believe that you may be comparing the two of them to figure out "who do I like more? Where does my future lie? Who makes me feel more alive and loved?" Very tough position to be in. Even for men.

To put it lightly, men desire approval from their women. We really do. We like to know that our girlfriends/wives are approving of our behaviour and who we are. Without the approval, we start feeling like bad guys and it strains the relationship a little. With that little bit of approval over others, we can feel like we can help our ladies and not have to worry about things.

Of course, when competition enters the fold and we find you are more approving of them, it will bruise our ego and make us feel we may have lost your approval. For example, saying something like this about another guy "He is such a great guy, great talker, and... get this. He has *insert something desirable about him that the husband doesn't have*"

It gets worse when the girl starts spending more time away from the SO, and also if she seems very distant even in SO's company. The straw that may break the camel's back is pointing out our flaws and stating "Why can't you be more like so and so?"

Around here there is a saying: "Its ok to get some appetite outside, as long as you eat at home."

If its only about having some phantasies and obsessions, that you are in control of, I see nothing bad of it. Maybe do some joking in work, have fun at company-meetings with coworkers, but when it ever comes to private situations (Him inviting you without coworkers or whatever.) say a clear and definite NO that cannot be misunderstood by him. As long as you manage that, I see nothing bad upon some phantasies as "warming up in your thoughts" for using that at home.

I am 14 years with my partner, I see nothing wrong about accepting that there are as well other pretty men in this world. But eating is done at home. Maybe the food decorations is at home not as well as you might find it in restaurants, but the general package is far better.

The universal message appears to be “fantasies” are fine but the object of said fantasy should never be made aware.

Alas, advice too late for my wife (besides which she is not a great taker of advice however well meaning).

To Clarify,
Through a series of chance events (or not so chance depending on your viewpoint!), this is the first opportunity she’s had in her life to get close to a man she’s fantasized about. She feels compelled to get closer to him to know if the fantasy might be made real. To walk away would be for her to forever wonder “what if”. She sees this endeavour as a way of breaking the obsession (and potentially gaining a friend) – I’m concerned it amounts to playing with fire and could go horribly wrong.

Of course I want to be enough for her, to put her in a state of not wanting/needing to “look” elsewhere (fantasies are fine btw). The reality is there is little I can do. I am trying to pull her close as best I can (given two small children and limited quality time).

Can nobody reassure me that her chosen course is anything other than folly?

One good thing is she’s always honest (a very welcome AS trait)

The best outcome I can hope for is that he somehow falls short of her imaginings. I’m afraid either way I might be in for a long and lonely wait.

Perhaps I should tell her to sleep with him in the hope it will purge him from her system/break the spell? Knowledge of the act would tare me up inside no question but then the limbo I live in is no picnic either.
Could I forgive her? I really don't know..........................

Would really appreciate an AS female perspective on this!

Look at it this way: What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If one person is going to open the relationship to outsiders, that person has to be willing to let the pendulum swing the other way. If that's the where the marriage is going, what's the point of being married?

There's more than one answer to that question, of course…some people keep marriages alive because the marriage contract guarantees a level of security, a home base either partner can always run back to.

Personally, I just can't share like that. The sad part of all this is that you find out these things long after you're married and you can't really do much about it. I'm not going to pretend all is perfect in my own relationship because there's a new challenge every day. But there was a "situation" my wife got into some years ago in which someone she shared a mutual attraction for came on to her, reciprocating feelings she had when she had a teenage crush on this guy. Nothing happened that ever progressed to sex, and I'd have known if she'd had the opportunity.

Now, we tell each other EVERYTHING. We always have. And I think she knew what I was going to say before I even said it: You are NOT going to see this guy again. EOS. Now, as it happens, that was an impossible thing to do since some situations were unavoidable. However, the few times she HAS seen this guy I was present everywhere she was and she didn't spend more than 2 minutes alone anywhere other than potty breaks. She'd hand me this line about me trusting her, and I'd politely remind her that it wasn't her I didn't trust…it was this guy who just can't seem to keep his hands off her, not to mention I was just plain horrified at the lack of respect he had for me and the fact that we are married. I think I'd be a terrible husband if I DIDN'T take action to protect our marriage, let alone not protecting my wife from a creepy old dude who clearly doesn't have her best interests at heart.

The thing is, most women these days tend to be conditioned by western culture to believe in self-determination above all else, that a woman's freedom takes precedence over all relational matters, and that committed relationships and marriages don't really matter, whereas your ability to do whatever you want matters more than your responsibility to those you've committed yourself to. I'm not saying women are somehow worth less than men or women should be subservient, or that they shouldn't have rights, or anything like that. What I'm saying is two people who commit to each other also commit to the idea that their partner matters above ALL other things and above ALL other people. I think you stop having individual "rights" at that point, those rights being replaced by the rights and responsibilities of acting TOGETHER towards common and MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL goals. While I do agree that means that each partner MUST guarantee the other a wide range of freedoms and latitude, it does NOT mean that either partner is compelled to grant the other permission to just do whatever he or she wants. I have a certain attraction to a certain best girl friend of my wife…my wife is fully aware of this, and now that we're married my wife reminds me every time we all get together I have to keep my hands to myself. This whole "affair" I've been having with this woman has turned into a sort of running joke (there's a backstory to this that goes back to our dating years…my wife and I were not always so exclusive--that's a whole new thread by itself), but the serious side of it is I'm NOT allowed to cheat on my wife. There is nothing to be gained from opening up our marriage to other partners.

So my conclusions here are these: I don't care if you're a man or a woman. You took vows when you got married to keep a CLOSED relationship. There is nothing constructive about allowing affairs. Don't seek other partners, and don't stand for your partner doing the same. At a certain point, husbands and wives have to have the courage to stand up for themselves and tell their partner "NO," and husbands and wives need the understanding and humility to appropriately respond with reasonable compliance. I stay true to my wife, always have since we were engaged, and I expect the same.

As to what you can actually DO about it if you end up with a situation in which someone cheats: Some, but not all, jurisdictions have "loss of affection" laws on the books. These are applicable when you end up, like, separated or divorced, and the reason for separation/divorce is because of an extramarital affair. What you do is file a civil suit against your ex's PARTNER for which he/she has to pay damages. If the guy doesn't have a whole lot of money, you've basically ruined him. If he DOES have a lot of money, then you've basically SOLD your partner like a piece of property. It's largely symbolic in such a case, but I think men, especially husbands, have the right to stand up for themselves just as much as women/wives do and deserve relief when they've been done wrong.

Oh, and I don't mean to be so one-sided in all this…I lean more towards the husbands/men angle because I am a man/husband. Same applies to women. NO marriage partner, neither husband nor wife, should feel as though she/he has no alternative but to just take whatever crap comes along and accept it. You don't HAVE to accept it. I say hold firm.

You strike a very hard line AngelRho.

Marriage is important to me also. Though I don't see it as a series of self imposed rules. In the best case they are rules YOU WANT to follow (as is happily the case for me). Unfortunately, for my wife it has become less clear cut. She has feelings drawing her away from our marriage. I can't make those feelings magically disappear - and to ask her to suppress them for my sake would breed resentment and put a gulf between us forever.

She has to choose her own path in this complex issue and I have to extend her the freedom to find that path as best I can.

She knows infidelity could mean the end of our marriage and so knows how high the stakes are in this game.

Let’s not forget, we are talking about AS obsession here.

I learnt early on in this painful tail that categorising in terms of "right" and "wrong" (as people I have spoken to are so ready to do) is simply not helpful. People’s feelings don't always adhere to socially acceptable norms.

To throw my weight about and demand zero contact with him would only push my AS wife away from me - and risk the loss of the honesty and openness she currently grants me.

It may well be that her severing contact with him is the best course of action for us both.
But, it has to come from her.

I will attempt to support her as best I can (though I struggle to control my own negative feelings) – If we can get through this I am confident we will emerge on the other side closer than ever.

Incidentally, for anyone who obsesses about people from afar. This situation where the object of your fantasy become aware and perhaps reciprocates will inevitably happen sooner or later. Best be prepared! (my wife thought it would never happen and so was not ready to deal with it).

She needs to redirect her obsession.

Off the top of my head, here's an idea: Try to find a new special interest for her, if it involves you the better.

What I do when I'm pining over someone who doesn't feel the same for me is pick their negative traits and greatly exaggerate them in my mind. This is a lot easier then forcing myself to care less. Eventually the crush will subside, but it takes time. In your case it doesn't help that the obsession has reciprocated, so it'll make the "detoxing" process more difficult.

If she doesn't show comprehension (saying she understands is different than actually understanding) on how pursuing this could destroy the foundation of your marriage I would recommend a professional counselor.

professional counselor?

I'm in the UK - I'm not even sure if such a thing exists here!

(given complex mix of AS / marriage / relationship issues at play here)

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/marriage.html

first google result

I take a hard line on it in part due to my OWN obsessions, in part to having been burned by a string of awful past relationships, and in part to convictions regarding keeping promises and basic human dignity.

You may not want to read this, but it's just plain truth--either way, she's gone.

On the one hand: You tell her enough is enough, either choose this marriage or freedom and the consequences of breaking marriage vows. Yeah, it has to come from her, after all, she could just leave. However, you as the (ex)husband in this situation DO have certain rights which include a reasonable expectation of fidelity. I don't care what disease/disability anyone has. Even the criminally insane face consequences for their behavior, if nothing more than being locked in a padded cell for the rest of their lives. Just because I have AS or she has AS or anyone else has AS doesn't excuse them from appropriate behavior. Somehow, I suspect NTs are more guilty of screwing up their marriages than aspies are, not to ignore, of course, that everyone with AS is unique. Married people have responsibilities to each other. There is absolutely no shame in holding our partners to their responsibilities, just as we would anyone else.

On the other hand: You tell her she can do whatever she wants. She falls in love with the guy and files for divorce. NOW you have a real problem because not only did you approve her behavior, you freakin' SUPPORTED it. You basically forfeited any legal means you have to either keep the marriage alive or to seek relief for the damage she and her partner did to your life. Even if she DOESN'T "fall in love with the guy" and it's a one-night-deal that fizzles out later on, she STILL have to deal with the fact that you allowed it to happen. Maybe you can live with that ONE time, but what about the next obsession she has? And the next? And the next? "I told you so" isn't going to get you very far, and you might as well not even be married. You'll still end up in a destroyed marriage either way, with her thinking she can just do as she pleases and completely disregard your feelings…and that's your BEST case scenario.

I'd go with the first option. That's just me, and I know not everyone is going to see it that way, but it's the best way YOU can avoid getting totally screwed. It's not about having some vendetta or carrying out some misogynist agenda. It's about protecting yourself from disaster.

Telling a woman "NO, you can NOT see this guy" typically won't go well. I'm fully aware of that, and I'm fully aware that you don't stop having human rights when you get married. But you don't have to feel like you're in a situation in which the odds are inherently stacked against you. She needs to understand that even though she, in reality, IS free to cheat on you--just like IN REALITY my wife could cheat on me if she wanted to--she is NOT free to escape the consequences of her actions. If you have the legal means to do it, go after the guy who is leading her away. Not all states allow that, but it's worth pursuing if you have that option.

I honestly hope it doesn't come to that, but she needs to understand that cheating is INAPPROPRIATE. For all I know she's already got her mind made up, but you don't need to let her get away with it scot-free. It doesn't matter if she understands "right" and "wrong" the way NTs do…there is simply just no excuse for any kind of INAPPROPRIATE behavior, and what she's potentially doing is INAPPROPRIATE. As an aspie, I have a lot of trouble understanding appropriate behavior and it helps me sometimes for someone I trust to explain to me how something is INAPPROPRIATE. I'm old enough I understand a lot of things; there are things I get the urge to do in private, like shaking my butt like a drunk college girl in a club, that I reserve for behind closed doors when NOBODY is looking, whereas the same behavior in front of someone I'm working for would be utterly horrifying. It's INAPPROPRIATE in public. Cheating on your partner is INAPPROPRIATE. I wouldn't really recommend "role playing" because to me that just kind of encourages bad thoughts that might heighten the obsession, but, on the other hand, my wife and I have had conversations about our past exploits that had her about to explode if I didn't, um, help her out a bit. So…if that's something that might help her out without too much of a risk outside the marriage bed, then it's an idea. I dunno. But she needs to understand that INAPPROPRIATE behavior is dangerous and not worth the risk. Just a thought...

Pebbles, I still suggest showing her some love sometime soon despite her obsession. Plan something romantic for the both of you to do this weekend. If you can show love at the same time, I think you'll do fine and not have to worry about her straying too far. AS or not, she should still understand what your love is like and even what it feels like to her. If this doesn't work, just know that you did your best. I don't think it would be in your best interest to stand back and let her just talk to the other guy without putting up a fight of your own to make sure you keep her.

Now my take on AS obsession and I'm not sure if this is the opinion you are looking for since I am a guy.

We find something that interests us and we put a lot of our focus into it. This focus can become very intense (this is why it's called obsession IMO). It can be a person, or a subject, or an activitiy. Maybe all three can be combined. Anyway... as a guy, obsession is often described as creepy (NT women are often scared when an AS guy gets obsessed with them).

Focus on a subject or activity is like being at work and trying to get a project done and not taking the focus off until goals are met. The difference between AS and NT here is that the AS will overwork in a certain area while the NT will just try and accomplish the goal as quickly as possible.

The intense obssession over another individual is going to hurt. It hurts me as a man when my woman starts talking about some other guy and how great he is and starts comparing the both of us and nitpicking faults and flaws. It has happened before, so I know how I should deal with it if it happens again. If it's clear I will lose the girlfriend (because she is making it clear that it won't work), then I have no choice but to walk away and deal with the hurt. But if she is indecisive, I have to make my move before the other man does.
I have read elsewhere that women who are cheating will start mixing up their feelings about who it is they are really cheating on (the person they are in love with may not even be the husband/boyfriend, and therefore they may feel that sleeping with the husband/boyfriend is cheating on the new lover).

Of course, the obsession also hurts me when I am the one obsessing because my track record would prove that it won't work (self-defeating thoughts). Then I might start obsessing over something I shouldn't (self-defeating thoughts). Then I get depressed and isolate myself socially. Well, this is a typical man thing to do regardless of AS.

You don't get everything you want; part of the point of committing to someone is acknowledging that, until it's formally broken off, if it ever is, you're going to dismiss desires for other people (at least, this is how it is for the majority).

You will be playing with fire if you know you have these troubles controlling your feelings, yet place yourself into positions where infidelity can occur; which in my opinion would be horribly unfair to your husband, and your family as a whole. I would deny any possible contact outside of what is necessary for work with this person, and seek counseling, before one slip could turn your life into a burning wreck.