Help me (NT) understand my friend (AS)

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I (NT) met him (he is aspergers) in a club and very soon I had the impression that he was attracted to me because we locked eyes very often (I know that is not typical for aspergers). Some weeks ago we began emailing on some common interests. When he offered me to lend me a book he asked whether I wanted to pick it up at his house. We made an appointment and he invited me in where we had a two hours conversation which was mainly about our common interests but he also told me some very personal things about himself. We continue to see us regularly in the club and we are still having these long eye contacts. I started liking him as more than a friend so I have twice made an effort to ask him out by mail. The first time I suggested that we could continue our email discussion in a bar. He replied that he didn*t want to discuss things he just wanted to state his opinion
Ok, I was offended by his reply but as he obviously continued to be interested in me, I gave it a second try two weeks later and asked him if he would go to the movies with me. He answered that he would prefer to watch the movie that I had suggested in a language that is not offered in the local cinema. So this was the second time that he turned me down
Now I am really confused: Is he turning me down because he doesn't like me or is he just replying honestly to my questions.....

Yikes! That's a typically Aspergian attitude, but unless he was making a joke, somebody needs to teach Sheldon some tact.





I'm no psychic, but I kind of get the feeling that he's just dense and isn't picking up on your intent, which is also a rather typically Aspergian trait. We are generally horrible at reading subtle social cues.

When you say you want to see a movie, he probably literally thinks you're just interested in seeing that particular film and has no idea he's being invited out on a date (or at least, doesn't feel comfortable assuming so). You're going to have to club him over the head with the truth if you want to find out how he feels about you. It sounds as though he's just thinking of you as a friend and may have no idea you might have other inclinations.

If his experiences are like those of most Aspies, he's probably been rejected so often, he just assumes no one is going to find him interesting on an intimate level, so why get his hopes up? Spell it out and don't mince words. He'll almost certainly tell you the flat truth - but be forewarned: if the answer is 'no thanks,' he's probably not very good at letting anyone down gently.

@ Willard: Thank you so much for your reply.

I always laugh out loud when Sheldon makes such remarks in BBTheory, but when I had my own Sheldon experience it wasn't funny at all

Here is an update. After his last mail (referring to the film) I suggested that we could go in my car (he isn't driving) to another town (one hour by car) where they show the film in his language. I added that I had the impression though that he wasn't interested to go out with me at all ???? ( I added the question marks).

He replied now: "No, I would like to go to xxx (town name). Last time I have been there was on my last birthday."

No comment on my remark about generally not wanting to go out with me.

So what does that mean? Did he get it now or is he still just talking about the film????

Hard to tell for sure, but it sounds like he's still not getting it. He might be intentionally ignoring the implication, but you're probably still being too subtle.

Still not direct enough. You have yet to make your romantic interest in him explicitly known, so he will likely continue to assume that you're not interested in him like that, if the thought has even crossed his mind yet. All you've mentioned is the movie, and in his mind, this is only about the movie, and nothing more. With that mindset, your second question seems rather bizarre and unexpected; I wouldn't know how to respond to it in his situation either.

Agreed. It needs to be as direct as "I'd really like to DATE YOU, is that something that would interest you?"

Also, I guess maybe I've been a bit obtuse myself - is English not his first language? Perhaps that has something to do with why he's not picking up on your meaning. If the two of you are communicating in a language that is not his native tongue, I can see how that would increase the lack of clarity.

@Troy_Guther

I'm shy myself and I had to summon all my courage to ask him out twice. Why do you understand where I am heading at and he simply doesn't. He is an extremely intelligent person. Even if he is unable to get the clue intuitively, he should be able to analyze the situation and come to the right conclusion.

@Willard


No you haven't!! We have a common native language (which is not English)! So this is certainly not the problem.

Your suggestion:

is freaking the hell out of me. Don't know if I will ever manage to be as direct as you propose.

@all: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are helping me a lot.

Because you already told us.

Not if he has a reason specifically preventing him from doing so. Like Willard said before, many aspies have been rejected so often and so consistently that they begin to believe no one could be interested in them in a romantic context. He's likely starting with, given his probable experience in the area of dating, a very reasonable presupposition that girls, e.g you, simply aren't interested. And that presupposition is likely very powerful; even telling him your intentions in the most straightforward way possible may still leave him incredulous. After all, if he's already eliminated the idea that a girl could like him romantically, he has to come up with some other explanation for your behavior. Maybe you just think of him as a friend. Maybe you think you like him, but you wouldn't really like him if you saw him as he really is. Maybe you're just trying to trick him, to take advantage of him somehow. In his mind, all possible explanations for your behavior, if you accept the stated presupposition.

And to be honest, I kind of understand that line of thinking. While I've certainly dated successfully, I haven't really done so in the last 4 years, and not for lack of trying. There have been multiple times where, due to certain signs, I thought a girl might be interested in me. And every time, I've turned out to be wrong. It's gotten to the point where I don't trust my own judgement on these things. At this point, I'll interpret any remotely ambiguous signals as purely non-romantic, if not dismiss those signals out of hand. It would take a clear, consistent pattern of behavior to get past that. And this is coming from a guy who's already had some success in this area. Imagine how it would be for a guy who's never managed to get a date?

There's three possibilities that I see, some that others have already stated:

1) He isn't getting that you're interested.

2) He gets it or is picking up on it but not sure so he's playing it safe until you just tell him

3) He gets it or is picking up on it but is not interested

3rd is very unlikely, but not impossible. I would pretty much forget about number 3 and consider 1 or 2 as way more likely.

I'm usually number 2, because I can pick up fairly well when someone may like me but I'm never sure so I just pretend like I don't know until they do something blatantly obvious or grab me by the shoulders and go I LIKE YOU GERTDERMIT!!

When I was younger I often didn't pick up on someone trying to show me they were interested. I still make that mistake sometimes but I personally feel it's not very often.. But then again, I may not know because I never find out. I only know of when I missed a chance that someone was into me when years later that person or one of their friends (if I'm even still in contact with these people) tells me, "heyy did you know that such and such was into you?"

It's like crap, why didn't they just tell me?! I had no idea!

So he might need it to be obviously stated that you are interested. He sounds way too polite by your standards from what you are telling me. But the response you are getting in return in how to approach telling him is very direct. Being this direct creeps you out and you also seem polite. So now, it's very difficult for either of you to make the first move because both of you are too polite. How old are the both of you? I am willing to bet that being as direct as others mention in here might be a little scary for him as well. But if you can be direct and polite at the same time. "I want to go see this movie. I would like it for you to come with me as my date?" How does that sound?


Someone mentioned in here that he probably got used to rejection and maybe he is justifying your behaviour. It's possible. If it comes out, then something is wrong. I've let out words before to previous dates "I don't know what it is you see in me" They gave up and walked away after a while.

The words he is telling you will likely be interpreted by other women as "he rejected me, his loss. I will go see what else is out there." If and when he decides to ask you out, what may happen (as has happened in my case a few times), is that I would get the cold shoulder, no reply, or simply told "yeah, I don't know if I can make that. I'll check my schedule and get back to you." only to never hear back from them. Truth is in my experience, once a person is made to feel rejected, they don't care to find out why and they certainly never come crawling back regardless of the reason. Also add the fear of what they don't understand (Aspergers diagnosis).

@Troy_Guther
I don’t know how many girl-friends and/or dating experience he had/has (if at all). So you could be right with him having a presupposition that doesn’t allow him the thought of anyone liking him romantically. But, if that is true and he is seeing me as a friend, why is he refusing my proposal to go out? Friends go out to the movies or meet in a bar. I’m not really happy about the fact that he has accepted to go to the movies with me only because the movie has a specific language. He is giving me the impression that going out together it is not at all about me but all about the movie in a specific language.
With regard to your experience with asking girls out: even for me as NT it’s really difficult to read the signs (of other NTs). And I think it’s even more difficult to interpret the signs of girls because they are often flirting without even realizing it and with no intentions behind it. So you’re certainly right that in order to avoid further rejections it is a good strategy to wait and see if the girls’ behavior is not only friendly and polite. But you should not give up - just be patient and give it more time and meanwhile try to consciously display that you are interested by looking and smiling at her.

@Made_Underground

I hope you are right with number 2.
But then again, why is he turning me down when I ask him to go out. If he is interested he should be happy that I take the risk of asking him out.
Therefore it’s either number 1 or number 3 I’m afraid.

@aspiemike

That sounds better, but at the moment I’m not sure whether I could deal with another rejection

If I was truly interested in somebody I wouldn’t be too proud to go out with him although he has rejected me before but I do have a heart and when its broken its broken…..

Based on my experience as well and things do get rough for men who are interested in someone who isn't interested in them, but isn't making it clear enough either.

Is it really worth it then to you if you feel hurt and rejected by him to continue pursuing him because you still feel interested in him? It's one thing to understand what Aspergers Syndrome is, but it's another to understand the person that is diagnosed with it (all people are unique and different). I am not suggesting to date him or not. I'm more interested in making sure that people are at peace with themselves and don't live with regret moving forward.

My guess is he isn't ready to date yet. Not sure if that is true, but his responses indicate that he is unaware of how insensitive he comes across when he turns people down, and that is enough to make me guess he is not ready. I had to do the work on my own, and others in here have had to do the work on their own as well. I believe with MadeUndergrounds postings that he has done a lot of work. I wasn't even close to being as aware as he is at the age of 22 or 23. But I am one of those guys who can say that I'm proud of the progress I have made.

I do believe it's possible that the two of you met in the wrong place as well (A club, or bar).

I think you should consider this in the span of what a relationship would be like with him; this behaviour very likely wouldn't just go away if you were 'officially together' - if what has already happened breaks your heart then you would need to be prepared to have your heart repeatedly broken due to his nature.

Alternatively worded: If you can't handle this then it might just be that you can't handle how he is.

Heya. Lots of good insights here (potentially!). I have another to offer.

You don't have to say "I want to date you". Because, "date" can mean many things and some of those things might not be true for you. For an aspie, that word might be a big ole question mark anyway.

What I would do is tell the fellow what I like about him. "I think you are so funny, Your hair is really beautiful, you smell nice, I enjoy your company very much"
Additionally, you could say:
"I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you and trying to understand you and I have to admit that I feel kinda confused about you, but I am also intrigued. I would like more opportunity to spend time with you because I have the idea that we might enjoy each other. When you give me such great eye contact at the club I feel pretty excited"..that kind of thing (what ever is true for you)

What about him are you drawn to?

If a girl would ask me that question I would assume that she was really trying to tell me in a roundabout way that she really wasn't interested in dating me. Like she asked to go out with me because she got the impression I wasn't interested in dating her & she wanted to make sure I wasn't interested in her so I wouldn't confuse a friend thing as a date. I'm not sure if that makes sense.