I don't understand why everyone thinks i'm a mean person

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I am new to this forum, so I apologize in advance for any unwarranted mistakes.

I have a lot of difficulties maintaining any friendships because they claim I am unempathetic, mean/cold, and self centered. They also tell me i self victimize but I am only telling them this information to relate to them. I don't really have any emotional feelings to the bad circumstances I have endured.

They tell me I need to learn to be nice but I am confused to what that means. I'm never intentionally mean to anyone. Does that mean buy an individual a cup of coffee to make them happy?

I just am unable to identify the emotions of others or empathize with it, and I wish I knew how.

Is there any way to emotionally relate to people in social situations?
Anyone experience anything like this?

I would ask them what do they mean by unempathetic and mean and cold and uncaring. Also ask them what do they mean by being nice.

I have and they assume I should already know. They claim I don't put anyone's emotions in consideration. I don't understand other people and their emotions, so it is a bit difficult for me to comprehend where I went wrong with them.
When they said, "be nice", they said, "just treat others how you want to be treated." I'm confused because I thought I have been doing that the whole time, but apprently, I have not, according to them.

I took the scientific approach to understanding emotions. It's pretty complicated.
I'm actually teaching my autistic dad how to socialize. It's a really difficult and slow process.

I learned the most from thinking of myself as being someone else. I didn't think what I said or did was mean, but when I saw that imaginary "other person" do things I had just done, it seemed different. Maybe that's too complicated too.

Maybe try telling them you find it difficult to know how they feel, and they should just tell you. Some people don't really know how they feel. The rest are dishonest, and you probably don't really want to be friends with them.

Tell them you're trying as hard as you can, and that's all you can do.

that's a good idea. thanks!

I am afraid to tell people I have aspergers because I feel like they will tell me i'm playing the victim again and is using it as a crutch or an excuse for my behavior.

No... and as a friendly tip be careful about giving money or gifts to others, because that can draw people who just want to take advantage of someone who's easy with their money. Save it for people you know somewhat and don't give what you can't afford to not get back.

Sometimes I just tell the person when I am confused before they are angry, to ask for help understanding. If the person is at all decent, they may not like you, but should respect that you are lost and want to try to be thoughtful.

That is so common for people on the spectrum. We treat others like they are similar to ourselves, but they have a totally different perception of how they want to be treated.

My sister likes to be left alone when she is upset about something, whereas another person would want a sympathetic ear. this leads to my sister walking away from someone who is upset, but they think she doesn't care about them, however she leaves them alone because she cares about them. It's just miscommunication.

People do just assume that we should know the rules, but how can we if no one tells us what they are? It is frustrating when you really are trying to treat others with respect, but they can't see it.

Can you think of any specific examples of when you've been told this? What were the circumstances? If we know a little more we might be able to offer some advice.

Smile!
I discovered that a few years ago and it makes a huge difference. I've grown the habit of consciously smiling most of the time when I'm with people, and the reactions have been a lot better since then.
No one perceives a smiling person as cold or unemphatic (unless it's a very creepy or forced looking smile, which you should definitely avoid).

Then there's all the small talk stuff. People feel comfortable if you show interest in them. When you meet people, try asking how they feel, how their week was and so on. This will set a positive atmosphere for the rest of the time you spend together.

I personally don't recommend telling people you have Aspergers, I've had negative experiences with that.

I am so in the dark about this that I have a hard time coming up with examples because I never thought I did anything wrong.

I talk honestly about trauma and depression but they take that for self pity when in reality, i'm just trying to relate to people on different level.

They just claim I am self centered and never cared about another person in my life. These people aren't close friends of mine so I don't really feel it is necessary for me to care about them or go out of my way to be nice, but I still feel slightly hurt from their sentiments. (i'm not overtly rude either) They claim I don't respect their feelings, but I don't know what they are feeling.

I think it started with a guy liking me, and I initially liked him, but just stopped. I honestly told him that I apologize for leading him on but I don't feel it will work. This is one of the reasons that i'm a bad person. This happens from time to time again whereas they are ruled by their emotions and I just can't relate.

Oh dear, that is tricky. People like us are quiet honest about things and just talk about stuff that matters to us, and in more detail sometimes than others would.

Maybe you need to ask people more questions about things that are going on in their lives. I am guilty of not doing that. I tend to be the kind of person who tells people things, but forgets to ask questions. I just expect people to tell me what's on their mind if they want to, but I forget that people actually want to be prompted to tell their stories.

And the thing with the guy doesn't sound like you were leading him on. You actually told him, I'm sorry this isn't working out. Leading him on would be knowing that the relationship was going nowhere, but not telling him. You did the right thing. Relationships don't always work out.

If people are confused by what they see in you and making negative assumptions, can you shake those assumptions up? For instance mentioning helping your neighbors child who needs help with homework, or offering to help in a small way. Nothing big, it's not good to be taken advantage of.

You can always give away compliments and appreciation if you want. People often like that. And being pleasant does make it harder for them to be unkind to your face.

I have a feeling I come across as vapid when I do that, but I smile because I have no idea what's going on....

You can't just take one or two little bits of advice and hope it will work on everyone.
If you really want to "be loved and accepted by everyone the world over," you are going to have to study for years.
Maybe some Social Etiquette classes would help. There are a lot of resources online, including videos, about how to be polite.
You can also continue providing specific mysteries for the community to solve.


Here's a little smiling nuance I learned recently:
"Don't let them catch you smiling,
staring and smiling is seen as creepy.
When they look at you,
make eye contact and smile briefly."

This is actually a good, usually harmless, beginner social skill to practice.

Not to be too literal, but I am. It is not possible to be loved and accepted by everyone. Not desirable, either.