I'm Jealous!

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So, my NT girlfriend has been travelling in South America for one month and she will stay there for about three or four more months.
We're both in our twenties and we've been dating for a few years. Before her departure we've been seeing each other at least once a week.
Recently she met a guy who is now travelling with her, which means that they spend every day together, sleep in the same bed or share a tent.
Although she reassured me by saying that he's just a friend, I'm getting a little jealous, although I don't know if I should be... I got cheated on during the relationship I had before meeting her, so naturally I'm a little paranoid. At the moment we communicate using text messages, occasionally we skype (about once a week).
On the other hand, I'm happy for her that she doesn't have to travel alone... Travelling with someone is a lot safer...
I don't want to act like the typical "controlling boyfriend", so I'm not saying anything, except for telling her that I'm a little scared about this, but the truth is, I feel really depressed about this. I know it's irrational and I have no power to do anything anyway, but I can't help it. It has been a serious and long relationship and my fear is that one day I'll hear that she's in love with him.
She has never cheated on me, but she has broken my trust a few times and sometimes, especially after drinking, she can get... physically close to other people (but again, nothing that could be considered cheating!). Also, I'm her first boyfriend.

What would you do in this situation? Am I exaggerating?

Last edited by thedeath on 13 Feb 2014, 10:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not long ago I was in a similar situation of sharing an interest in each other with someone (not a full-on relationship, but it was certainly headed that way), and having another guy enter the picture who I was assured was 'just a friend' multiple times.

I'm not going to suggest how exactly you should approach this because I'm still getting over being lied to and I don't trust my own advice to be unbiased right now, but I say this because I believe it is a legitimate worry and not something controlling. I take it you can figure out how it ended for me.

Trust her & hope for the best. I'd make sure to lay on the love a little thick before she left with a very romantic bon voyage date, plenty of closeness and "I love you's." That should affirm your love for each other strong enough in her to keep her emotional bond to you while travelling and not cross the line to cheating. Manipulative? Maybe.. but I think it's a good idea.

You may be exaggerating a little, but I think it's pretty normal that someone would feel jealous in this situation. As for the past relationship where cheating happened.. don't project that onto her. She's not that girl and hasn't proven herself to be, so don't assume she'll cheat.

You know the old cliche.. if you love something, set it free.. and if it comes back to you, it's meant to be. Chances are things will work out juuuuuust fine.

Think of what you just said. And add the alcohol in the mix. Yeah they might (or might have) done something. Sharing tents? (Yeah right) And where is his "own" tent? I'm not trying to sound arrogant. She could've traveled with a woman. Right? But you need to address this. They are slending more time together than you are. Next thing you know she's gonna want to be with him. If she likes you that much, she'd understand that its not controlling. How would she like it if the roles were reversed?
You'd better start applying yourself.

Well, she keeps telling me that nothing will happen, and since our relationship has been (quite) honest so far, I don't want to make accusations...
It just really depresses me, because she would hate it if I did the same. I don't understand why she does something to me when she wouldn't want me to do the same to her.
I'm fine with her travelling with another man, but sharing a bed, meh...

maybe there is a complicated explanation to that...which I don't know
she would feel bad to know you share a bed with another women..that's good -_-'
I am so more more of a jealous type, I wouldn't had psychologically coped with knowing what you know...
good luck

^^^ My points exactly! Even if she doesn’t do anything and nothing happened, its the principle of fhe whole thing. Dude could've got his own damn tent why share hers? Lots of boundaries can be broken. I can say wait it out til the trip is over. But if she plans on 'traveling' again you'd better lay down some ground rules. I don't want to set up a scenario for you because I don't want to put that picture in your head.

Don't be a dupe.

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? :-/

Her hanging out with another man is one thing. Her sharing a tent, and even a bed with him is another entirely. It's okay for you to not be okay with that. I don't know many people who would be.

If I were in your position I would assume she is already cheating, end the relationship, and get to work on finding someone new.

I'm sorry to be so blunt about that.

I would let her know how this situation is making you feel. You both need to have a talk about boundaries and what is ok vs. hurtful. You are valid to have these feeling. You also need to ask yourself where this relationship is headed. Given that you are her first boyfriend you may have to give her space. I know it is difficult after time has passed but I have to agree with the post : if you love something set it free, it it come back it was yours. To set something free you have to redefine the relationship without "titles". I do not know how old she is or her situation but you can not know what you want when you do not know who you are. I can not think of a logical reason she is traveling and bunking with another man; it is disrespectful and lacks consideration to you as her partner. If you do not speak up, you can not comment or make demands later on her. You might get your heart broken but that is always a risk when you are in a relationship. Good Luck.. To sum it up: 1. Honest discussion of what this is doing to you 2. Mutual discussions of boundaries and respect "guidelines" (clear guidelines- make or break ) 3. Trust that the other person will hold up their end. 4. You are only in control of your own behavior and response to others behavior.

This OP.

LISTEN to your gut. If your gut feels that something is off or wrong, then it's probably true.

I agree with mds, that she probably already has cheated on you. I have never heard of anyone wanting to go travel with a member of the opposite sex and SLEEP IN THE SAME TENT/BED/WHATEVER.

That is completely UNACCEPTABLE if it was me. Don't be a door mat OP! Stand up for yourself! You have standards and you expect to be treated with dignity and respect. Her sleeping in the same tent as another man is NOT respecting you at all. Especially if she wouldn't like it if you did the same thing. That's just hypocritical and cruel of her.

I had something happen to me similar when I was 18. Not saying she went traveling with another guy, but she started talking to this other guy on the phone/texing him ALL. THE. TIME, then she started wanting to hang out with him all the time and would ask me permission. Looking back now, I feel like she just did that to rub it in my face because she knew I was so socially clueless that she was practically saying, "HEY I'M CHEATING ON YOU" right in my face but I didn't get it, even though my gut was telling me she probably was.

Break up with her OP unless she decides not to go on the trip. Maybe she did this whole thing because she wanted to break up with you anyway but didn't want to be the one to actually do it.


IDK, I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh OP and I know it's hard to hear but I just don't want you to have to go through the crap that I did.

Again, I'm sorry if I came across as too blunt or insensitive.

But what MadeUnderground described happened almost exactly the same way to me as well. Only it was more than one guy. I'd had suspicions that she was cheating, but stuffed them down. I didn't want to be the jealous controlling boyfriend, so I ignored my instincts over and over again. And I was devastated and utterly humiliated when it came out that I'd been right all along.

Then came the worst part. She got pregnant. There are a couple of other guys who are possible fathers but I'm the most likely just based on the fact that she slept with me most often out of all of us. But she moved away (while I was out of town and without telling me) and married one of the other guys before she gave birth, leaving me with no rights to the child, not even the right to ask for a paternity test (under cali law, the husband is assumed to be the father and that cannot be challenged by anyone other than him or the mother). Now there's a boy out there, almost a teenager, who is probably mine, who I think about every single day, and who has not the slightest clue that I even exist.

So now I've gotta live with the pain of that for the rest of my life just because I didn't wanna trust my instincts, because I wanted to be a good boyfriend, and because I assumed that jealousy was automatically a negative emotion to be suppressed.

I really don't want to see something like that happen to anyone else.

Uhmmm, after having talked to her my gut says that she hasn't cheated on me, and besides, that's not something I would ever expect from her. But of course I might be wrong.
Apparently it was really late and that was the first hotel they found. Apparently she feels sorry, but I don't think she realises how much it hurts...
Now they share a room, but with twin beds, so that's a little better...
The point is, assuming nothing has happened, I still feel really depressed about her spending so much time alone with another guy...
We've been together for 5 years, I can't just end the relationship, even if I wanted...

Extending my previous post with an attempt to be more useful: Just do your best and try to communicate with her whenever you get chances to; not to an obsessive/obnoxious degree, but just let her know that you are thinking of her, and be open about your feelings. Your options are really limited in this kind of situation - if you're going the route of trust then you'll have to process/tolerate those gross feelings and the potential of a bad ending; but you do it for the potential of a good end.

Is it a realistic possibility that things could be happening behind your back? Yes, it happens, and it's not particularly rare. Is it also a realistic possibility that nothing of that sort is happening? Yes, that happens, too. You know her better than we do.

I sympathize with your feelings, for what it is worth.

This.

Trust your instincts.