Compartments in head

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I feel as though I've got all these different little compartments in my head.

I'm suicidal all the time, I have been for years but I slip out of it and I go into another compartment.

In the other compartment I'm tough, nothing phases me and I can do anything.

I can remember the way I am from compartment to compartment but I can't remember how it actually feels until I find myself in that particular area again.

I'm only just realising all this. It's really odd.

Anyway, I thought I'd just mention it whilst I'm here.

I have compartments, also. I am not suicidal but 80% of the time am looking forward to not being alive. Sometimes it is like being by myself in a huge hotel with me walking in the hall where I am depressed and loathe to do anything. Sometimes, I go in a door and I feel pretty good. Sometimes, I go in a door and I am in a rage.

I totally agree with knowing the way you are in each compartment but not feeling it. When I am not angry, I just don't understand how I could be so mad. I also don't know how I could be happy but I have been from time to time.

I wonder if it is part of black-and-white thinking. You know, things are all good or all bad; I'm in a rage or I have no anger.

It's weird because today I am fine, I couldn't be better. But this time last week I can remember thinking that I really wanted to end it all. I was visualising hanging myself, jumping off a building or even throwing myself in front of a train. Seriously!

Today, even though I can remember thinking that way, I can't remember why I felt that way or even the sheer pain and anguish I must have been feeling.

I think it's time I spoke to a professional about this. I'm just scared that they will lock me up though.

I don't think of it as compartments, but I do go through phases where I'm suicidal and plainly just feeling blah. I don't like being suicidal; it is the culmination of all my depressed times. I am perpetually depressed, though. I just can't see, to rip myself out of it despite the meds I take. I'm accomplishing nothing while being depressed. I'm not writing fiction or music, just existing. I hate it.

This happens to me too. Sometimes I can't remember things that are in one compartment when I am in another. It's frustrating. It's like the conduits in my brain from one section to another are blocked.

I have this too.

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know that I'm not on my own.

I will talk to my psychiatrist about this the next time I go. I'll just see what he says.

This sounds really similar to something I experience. I also feel an intense disconnect from my thoughts or feelings or actions from the past - even just a day or so ago. I don't know what to call it - there are lots of mental illnesses/disorders that sound sort of like me, but none that match perfectly (I also am not sure im autistic, but I strongly suspect).

It's more of multiple places of things to remember depending on my mood.

It's frustrating not having access to parts of me when I'm in one state of mind versus another.
I feel compartmentalized from my emotions often and I hate that.