Coping with Asperger's

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Hey all,

I have a condition which is similar but arguably not the same as asperger's - pragmatic language impairment. Think of it as asperger's where the speech and language impairments are worse but I have a heightened sense of social awareness. I am not fully aware of all the subtle differences or clinical details but I find that thinking about it this way helps clarify certain issues.

Anyway, I've managed to overcome a lot of my difficulties related both directly and indirectly to my disorder, these include speech and language impairments - taking things literally, not understanding sarcasm/irony, following instructions, understanding people in group conversations and processing/remembering relevant details. I just wanted to share a few details, although I think anyone reading this should keep in mind that I have something of an ego - I've always been driven to be sociable, popular, athletic and one day maybe even successful (maybe in a business venture, maybe in politics, perhaps as a musician, I'm not sure). There's nothing wrong with these material goals but I realise not everyone is that way, so you will have to adapt my advice to make it suit your own life.

In any case,

Socialisation

People don't like being around you if you seem to needy or desperate to make friends. It's a sad fact of life. Having asperger's makes that even more difficult because of the misinterpretation of social cues and so forth. So the answer to this is to

- have a dynamic and structured routine that is full of meaningful and interesting things everyday.

I feel guilty sat here typing this now but I'm also about to go to Yoga in an hour and I feel like at some point I should share some of the things I've learned (which I don't know if I'll be able to cram all of that into a single forum post). This also gives you lots of things to talk about in that dreaded small talk activity. It also takes your mind off of your own personal short comings and helps you to live a meaningful and interesting life that is free of worry and if you can't be as sociable as you would have liked, at least you have other things to occupy your time with.

Doing lots of things at first is quite difficult, and you might prefer to take it steady, adding one or two things in at a time. Life can get pretty hectic at times but once you've learned to live a healthy life that gets the right balance between an active social life, a busy routine, a job that fulfills you (or degree if you are a student like me), hobbies that you are passionate about and a healthy, positive attitude towards diet and exercise, it will all seem right.

- Don't hang around with people unless they seem interested in you, the kind of people that are sensitive, will give you a chance to speak rather than constantly interrupting, will accept your differences.

- Make it clear and obvious that you have difficulties socialising

Because I am more intelligent than average, and I have read books like Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, sometimes it's too easy to fool people into thinking I'm normal. I don't like telling people I have asperger's because for one thing it's not exactly true and for another thing, I don't appreciate the stereotyped view people have of autistic spectrum disorders. If they are savvy about autism they will figure it out themselves anyway. Otherwise, to show that I have difficulties being social, I will not hide the fact I am nervous or shy. If I make a joke and no-one laughs I will make a subtle inclination that I have been made to feel awkward, perhaps by looking in another direction. I will also laugh politely when someone makes a joke I don't find funny, because this is what I expect others to do. I make a very slight chuckle, I don't pretend to find it hilarious or anything - I am simply acknowledging the fact that this person is trying to entertain me.

- Keep your interactions brief

Because of communication and language impairments, small talk can be quite daunting, so if you feel a conversation's going well, sometimes it's best to close it before it starts to go downhill. Naturally, it also seems a shame to go in the opposite direction, make an excuse and leave just as you are about to really connect with that person. Notice when you're just starting to run out of things to say, you or the other person seems a little bored or running out of energy. That's the time to close a conversation.

When you're bored of a conversation, you're not keeping up, make an excuse and leave, e.g. oh dear, what time is it now? Oh I have to see someone in five minutes..." Or if you are in a bar, "sorry mate, I need the toilet right now, I'll be back with you in a second... [conveniently be unable to find that person again]". It doesn't matter if people don't buy your excuse, as long as they understand you're trying to be polite. Try looking in the other direction, or start making a move for the door when you are about to make this excuse. They will notice this and you can carry on making a little conversation until you feel that it is right to make such an excuse.

- Talk about things that I think will interest the other person. I've noticed that in other individuals with asperger's they will immediately go on a spiel about things that interest them. Remember that people might not have the technical knowledge to understand you. Even when you speak on simple terms sometimes, they just won't be interested enough to follow. So there is an obvious solution to that and it involves testing the water (i.e. looking for signs they are interested).

Introduce a topic, I don't know, let's say you are going to talk about this time you saw an exotic fish in the park...

1. Make sure there is a direct and logical link to the conversation at hand. It would be more logical to talk about this if they are talking about exotic fish than if they are talking about walking in the park.
2. Save the details, just say, "oh, I saw an exotic fish in the park this one time..."
3. Gauge their reaction, do they say "oh really, tell me more?", or is it more of a "oh that's nice [but let's save that story for another time eh?]". This will be communicated more through the tone of voice than through the verbal content, because nobody (well, not most people) is going to be rude enough to say, "yeah, I'm not interested". And, just to give you a little context, "oh that's nice" could also mean, tell me more. "Oh really" when said in a particular tone could mean that the person isn't interested. Practice saying things in a different tone of voice yourself, it will help you recognise what people mean.
4. Ok, now you can share details if they are interested, but now you've got to this stage, the onus is on you to make it interesting: you talk about the colour of the fish, how you found it. Give all the details that help that person draw a vivid imagination of that picture. Be a good story teller. Don't introduce a new topic if you don't think you'll be able to do this.

- Rules, Subjectivity and Objectivity

Remember that there is no such thing as an inherent right or wrong. Instead, we live our lives according to the values that fulfil us the most and rules need to be flexible to accommodate that. To adjust to society, we have to say "please", "thank you" and "you're welcome". We have to wait at traffic lights for the green man, sometimes even when there's not a car in sight for miles. But there is no inherent value to this. Be as human as you can, show compassion and kindness towards people you think are worth it. Also be prudent and never share your perspective on life with someone you don't think will appreciate it, especially if you think this person is likely to mock you, humiliate you or find some way to penalise you. Instead, look for people that are caring, compassionate and share your outlook. How do you know if people share your values? To an extent, you have to be familiar with that person, but if a person you've just met shows you virtually no interest, seems to want something out of you, or sniggers when they think you aren't looking...then that person isn't worth getting to know.

- Subjectivity and Opinions
When you can see a different way of doing things that you think is more logical, do not present that view as a matter of fact. Present it as a different way of seeing things.

"I conceive that..."
"In my personal opinion..."
"What you are doing seems to work well but maybe if you just..."

(of course you don't always want to use big words like "conceive" and "personal opinion". These are better suited for differences in opinion with regards to things like politics, for instance.)

Don't say,
"What you are doing is wrong!"
"No, don't do that, do this!"

(If other people speak like this to you, then avoid discussing opinions with them, even in the way suggested above, because it is not worth your time or energy and they will just laugh at you).

For instance, to save washing up liquid when I am sharing the same kitchen as other people, I often put a bit on my sponge and clean up the dishes after I've eaten (I only clean one or two dishes at a time). Then I leave the sponge for someone else to use. When someone saw me doing this I would say, "For me personally, I find that this is a good way of saving washing up liquid," then I noticed that other people would start doing it.

- Context
I don't believe there is such a thing as rule without an exception. Sometimes those exceptions are so few and far between that you don't have to worry about them. Sometimes though, when people give you a suggestion or a piece of advice, they are expecting you to put in some effort and work out what those exceptions might be for yourself. This is because it's literally impossible to verbally convey the necessary information required to contextualise every single piece of advice. Because aspies have difficult with this, they can have severe communication impairments trying to work out what the appropriate context is of one piece of advice or rule, before another rule comes in. Or they might not even try to contextualise impairments, which can be an advantage to neurotypical individuals because whereas the neurotypical individual will spend time doing what they are good at - contextualising, the aspie will spend more time learning as many rules as possible.

My advice is, contextualise where possible but in other contexts, use your ability to learn as much information as possible to your advantage. Try different approaches and see what works.

Thank you for posting this!

All very well stated, and in line with my personal experience of what works best for me.

Thank you for the compliment, and since I was in a rush earlier, I will add a few more things and add some more in a few days, if I think there is anything worth adding.

I might point out that according to the Lorna Wing triangle of impairments, the three main differences between a person with asperger's and a neurotypical individual are social, communication and imagination.

As I understand it, socialisation refers to things like turn taking, not interrupting, etiquette (please, thank you, holding open doors) and empathising with people, or having the reticence to show an appreciation for other individuals. It ought to be noted that when asperger's individuals do not follow these unwritten rules of society it is usually due to a misunderstanding of them rather than an inherent rudeness. For instance there was a time in a crowded bar once that I believed it would be acceptable to lean over the girl in front of me to grab the salt and lime for a tequila: it was not. At other times, asperger's individuals will deliberately break rules because when they analyse them they see them as arbitrary, frivolous or illogical (e.g. waiting at traffic lights when there aren't any cars) - at least this is the case for me. I can empathise with this to a degree but it is important to follow the rules of society...at least when other people are watching you Finally, there will also be times that these rules are broken purely out of frustration or oppositional defiance disorder (disliking of authority) and this is something to avoid at all costs.

Communication refers to verbal and non-verbal communication, both receiving and expressing communication. Language impairments tend to be in terms of:

* interpreting a literal meaning - e.g. not understanding sarcasm where the meaning is opposite and applying a truth to all contexts rather than generalising that truth to certain contexts (thinking of exceptions to the rule).
* poor discrimination - of relevant detail and relevant tracks of information (e.g. you are in a noisy bar with friends and you are not discriminating the most relevant voice in a conversation from other, less relevant conversations).

Non-verbal forms of communication are meaning that is implied from a change in tone of voice and meaning that is implied from body lannguage. Body language includes,

Closed: folded arms, looking or pointing away from the speaker, keeping a distance.
Open: arms open, maintaining [polite] eye contact - occasionally looking away, staying within a comfortable distance that is appropriately close but not aggressively intruding.

Sometimes you may want to use closed body language if you wish to keep someone at arms length, otherwise, open body language is good for facilitating a conversation. You also want to observe other people's body language to see if they are open to discussion. But there is much more to this than what I have communicated. Try lots of different things.

Imagination - this is relevant to conversation and socialisation in so far as you need to have a degree of spontaneity to introduce certain topics and be a good story teller. You also need to be flexible to shift from one topic to another. This isn't a topic I'm well versed in but I find that knowing about lots of different and interesting subjects, especially the ones that a broad range of people are going to find interesting (music, sports, films, fashion, shopping, etc.) is more likely to prepare your imagination so that you can be flexible and spontaneous in these situations. If you know more about these topics, you will also find it easier to show an active interest in what the person is saying.

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

This is a great book to read and although it has a definite business/politics orientation (the emphasis is on how to influence people) there is absolutely no reason you can't adapt and apply the principles to your own situation. All in all, I would heartily recommend reading the book and taking his suggestion of underlining the suggestions that appeal most to you, colour coding them and keeping a diary of your (successful) interactions with people every week - or analysing why certain situations went wrong. Another reason for reading it is that it really hammers a new and positive approach to social situations that is truly invaluable.

However, if you don't have the time to read the book, here are the main principles:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part Two
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Part Three
Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Part Four
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

HANDSHAKE

I think that, for men in particular - but women too, this is a very important social gesture and it's important to put some effort into getting it right, so...



POSTURE

If in social situations you want to look and feel energetic, you don't want to look slouched all the time, leaning back, or hunched forwards. I'd say it's best to lean against the back of the chair, with the small of your back touching it. You can lean forwards with a straight back but sometimes this can look too keen, or even aggressive. Mostly you want to sit straight against the back of your chair but without being too rigid and unrelaxed. If you have tight hamstrings, then that makes it harder to keep a straight back. Yoga's great for alleviating this issue, try it!