Paranoia or changeability as a feature of AS?

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So...I understand wild enthusiasms that fizzle and look delusional, and I understand pressure making one a little crazy. But I have no idea how to read what's going on with my friend and am beginning to wonder if I should just walk away.

He's very bright, very accomplished, yada yada, also longterm unemployed and hasn't had an address in a year. Gets by with family's help, and he's sometimes been a great friend, sometimes been...emotionally destructive, I guess I'd have to say. There are weird little behaviors, too, like stealing meaningless little things from people he cares for and who've often helped him -- but folding immediately if called on it. Been thrown out of two houses in the last three months.

His attitude towards me has gotten downright weird. In the last year he's swung from wanting to get married and set up a life together to "nothing doing goodbye" to "I need you as a friend" to "come to my mom's for Christmas" to ... all over. (I know these things aren't going to happen. I met his family last year, actually, and liked them very much, wouldn't mind hanging with them anyway.) Lately I guess he's been imagining that I'm trying to shackle and control him, force him to talk to me all the time (I make it really clear, in English: if you don't feel like talking, that's fine)...now there's some kind of weird stuff about how I have no idea what's going on, everything changed six months ago. But when I say, "huh? What are you talking about?" he insists it's nothing and that nothing goes on in his life. Has decided we're not friends, because his friends don't freak out at him (he'd said something very hurtful, and I let him know it was totally not okay, also that as far as things with me went, he had absolutely nothing to complain about, because I'd been nothing but accommodating -- new rules for himself and how we interact every week, it seems, all kinds of other stuff too), but wants me to keep talking to him.

At the same time he recognizes he's not stable, he's very close to the edge...he's just trying to keep himself glued together and not notice what's happened to his life, trying to get through this and stay independent. Zero self-esteem. Angry all the time, self-punishing, envious of other people, feels horribly cheated.

I want to be there for him as a friend, but at this point not only don't I know how, I'm starting to wonder if it's smart. There's a really good person there, but something is clearly f****d up. I can't tell anymore if it's situational -- stress-related -- or just part of who he is.

Yeah, I would be wondering about that also. That is a pretty long saga of chaos. Not knowing all of the subtleties involved, just based on reading the above I would likely choose to distance myself.

He sounds like a pretty big handful. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. Don't know if I can. He sounds like he would wear me out thin and I would keep my distance. Still, if he can be helped and there's hope, I'd look into it.

Well -- I think maybe you're right. I just realized in the last day or so that I'm totally worn out with the constantly-changing battery of rules about how it's okay to interact with him: talk about this, not that; don't ask him [range of questions]; talk for X minutes; don't talk today; don't talk at particular *times* of day, not that these are predictable; talk by email but not chat, skype chat but not skype video, skype video but not email....feh. I get that communication can be stressful, but it's not my fault that he's this stressed, and I can't read his mind far enough to know whether his "sure, let's chat" means "sure, let's chat" or "I'm afraid you'll dislike me if I say no" or "I can't put together a sentence saying no right now". Meanwhile, "do you want me to leave you alone" is met with "no." And every time he's in a corner, I get to hear about how unlikeable/unattractive/difficult I am. And, lately, that kicker: that we're not friends (though, inexplicably, he wants to keep talking to me. Or listening to me. About approved topics at approved times).

Yep. Worn out more than anything else. Skyped briefly with him yesterday, again had my conversation controlled and directed for me, and he tells me at the end that it was nice to see me...and for the first time, I didn't feel the same way, it hadn't been nice to see him; he just looked like trouble.

I did find a sort-of-active adult-AS support group near where he lives, and maybe if the timing feels right I'll mention it to him. Last time anyone suggested to him that he's got Aspergers he was infuriated.

A lot of this doesn't sound like AS. Why do you think he has this rather than another diagnosis?

Do you think your attraction to him could have sormething to do with projecting things on to him that are connected to another significant relationship in your life with a person diagnosed with AS?

It sounds like he is likely to punish you for your kindness and you should focus on taking care of yourself,

Well, several other people think it's the right diagnosis, including two docs, one of them a psych who specializes in Aspergers. Extreme literalness, meltdowns, insistence on having things go in very particular ways, endless monologues on subjects of interest, inability to read others well, can't keep self organized or tend to paperwork, extreme difficulty carrying out tasks without very specific instructions, upsets people without knowing why (he can be extremely rude), clumsiness, the usual childhood. Deep anxiety surrounding doing everything wrong. Did well in college; things started falling apart after leaving school.

My attraction to him? He's very smart, very funny, very handsome, and when he's got himself together, very warm and caring. It hardly matters, though, because there isn't going to be a romantic thing with him again -- he's got enough trouble managing himself, and there are a host of other problems, too.

Perhaps you can discuss this paranoia with those docs? I don't think paranoia is a feature of ASDs. Anxiety is, though this anxiety is well founded in a history of unexpectedly negative experiences. Anyone would be anxious if they had to walk through a dangerous environment with impaired senses. Paranoia is something altogether different.

Having a longer think about this and some new ideas came up:

Anxiety is a common comorbidity withy aspergers. So is a tendency to perseverate on potential negative outcomes.

These two things can lead a person to imagine the worst and think too much about that imagined situation and become quite emotional about it. In some scenarios, this could look like paranoia. I wonder if the things you are seeing could be the result of that sort of process?

I don't know about changeability--I can imagine that a thought process based on misreading a of social situations and perseverating on those misunderstandings could result in outwardly inexplicable changes in behavior. Other than that sort of thing, I don't think there is anything typical of aspergers or ASDs I general that results in an unusual "changeability."

Perhaps there are others who know more about this?

I get paranoid. It has become a bit more pronounced the past few years. I feel it has to do with second guessing in the NT world. Learning to question motives is one of the ways I've survived but, as with most aspie traits, I'm prone to go overboard and the ruminations begin on who may be doing what so I can prepare in advance. Part of that fight or flight syndrome I get swept up in when I perceive impending change. It is not comfortable to need to anticipate the actions of others to make sure I'm prepared with the proper response. Over the years the looking at every angle can feel paranoid because I've become keenly aware of both the good and the bad in this world.