I don't even know

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To start out with some background, I'm still transitioning mtf. I have a number of things to work on and due to executive function issues, I'm slow with getting it taken care of and only do one major thing at a time. I've been on HRT long enough, I've had the fat re-distribution kick in and I have very noticeable breasts and wear a bra nearly everyday. I'm still overweight, although I don't look it for a male. I still present male 99% of the time although I mix in quite a few female clothes whenever possible. What I've been able to setup as a routine to deal with it while I deal with everything else is my hair on my head. I was thinning out on top and balding in the back when I started transitioning. After numerous treatments and one hair transplant surgery, I've got most of my hair back. Because I'm not out at work, I'm required to be relatively clean kept as a male. Keep my hair cut or trimmed, keep what little blond facial hair I have clean shaven, follow the dress code, etc... While on HRT, my sexuality is swinging from being attracted to the female or female/androgynous form, to being attracted to the male form. Not neccessarily genitalia in and of itself. This I don't have a problem with.

But yesterday I got a hair cut. And yesterday I looked in the mirror, and yesterday I thought my male form was kind of hot and very attractive in a physical way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a narcissist. I don't think I'm hot from me being a male and thinking I'm hot. I very much don't like being male, nor do I identify with being male, being a man, manhood, or any of those things. My body self-image is not male. I look in the mirror and think, I shouldn't look like this male. But seeing myself after the haircut and the way I was dressed, I thought, if I was fully transitioned with SRS or had been born cis-female, I would be all over my male looking body, the one that I don't want to wear, but if I met in another person, wouldn't mind being with. This morning it was the same thing, looking in the mirror, and seeing my reflection in windows.

I'm physically attracted to my male form, and I feel so weirded out by this.

Yeah that is pretty weird.

Even with my limited 'dabbling' I'm beginning to suspect that if I transitioned further I would be quite attracted to males as well,
though of course I doubt many of them would be attracted to me. There seem to be little signs of it creeping in here and there, certain objects look suggestive of certain others, certain people suddenly seem much more interesting, and the actual 'tingles' I can feel on seeing certain things are beginning to clue me in. I even had a little 'flash' of imagery this morning of a rather attractive looking muscular male back.

To be honest it's not something I really anticipated happening, I've been pretty much asexual up till now, kind of mentally pre-puberty in most respects, without any kind of 'drive'. I do find certain women very pretty, and often I'm really jealous of them, but I don't think I've ever actually found them sexually attractive. Neither my brain nor my body ever seemed to work that way. Now I'm beginning to find certain men similarly attractive, and sometimes actually getting a physiological response at the same time, it's a bit confusing, as I'm still kind of on the fence as to whether it's a good idea to pursue this all that much further.

I've a feeling my rather 'suppressed' female side may turn out to be highly sexually charged, and I'm not sure if I want the extra complications of that in my life, particularly as finding an actual partner is likely to be very challenging due to my size and the rest of my appearance.
I've definitely felt that I was 'supposed' to have a female shaped body since I was a teenager. It's just never felt 'right' when I've seen myself in the mirror. I've also kind of 'felt' I wanted to be cute and attractive and to dress up and go out places and try to have lots of 'fun', to even be flirtatious, but I suppose I didn't really think of what might then follow on from that very much.
To some extent I feel my subconcious has been crying out to find a boyfriend/partner for the last few years, but I couldn't work out what it was that was making me so depressed at the time. Still the beginnings of a female sex drive starting to 'come online' were quite an unexpected turn of events for a >30 year old 'man'.

Oh well, these things certainly do make life a bit more interesting! I suppose that if you want certain parts of your brain to fire up a bit more, you have to accept that certain other parts will also come along for the ride.

I've noticed more and more over the last year, I'm attracted to more and more physically male features and attributes, and less towards the female.

I had the same thoughts growing up about not fitting in my body, and trying to be female but not being allowed to be by family and friends.

I have had zero luck finding anyone to date let alone have a close personal relationship with. I had a few starts but all ended for various reasons, although only one actually ended for me being trans. My group of friends is small and all of the males are cis-hetero-normative. There is one bi cis-female but she's to young and a bit immature-crazy for me to handle with my HFA.

Such is a life of a trans-aspie I guess.

It's weird only in the sense that it's rare/unique, IMO, but it's not like creepy gross weird or anything.

I mean, it makes sense. You don't identify as your visually perceived self when you look in a mirror. Your mental/inner self knows who you are. Your physical form isn't you, so it makes sense how your conscious self could perceive what you see in a mirror as another person so to speak, and thus it makes sense how you could be attracted to that body.

It's.. different, I'll give you that - but it's not omg creeperz weird or anything. It really does make logical sense to me. Just go with it. It is what it is and it's not harming you or anyone else to have these thoughts/feelings, so just roll with it and enjoy the ride.

By now I've processed it.

It was kind of strange realizing a part of what all my ex-girlfriends saw in the male presentation mode I gave them.

But I'm okay with it now.

I'm disgusted by my reflection. I don't pursue relationships with anyone because I don't want anyone to touch me beyond hugs when I have this horrible body. It's like, what would I do with the other person? =(

I would think it's the hormones messing with your mind, I'd say to swing with it... adapt to those feelings and accept yourself as if you were born female to make the transition easier. This is advice from someone who hasn't transitioned yet though, so idk if that helps. XD I'm personally waiting for technology to get better with the transitions, that and hopefully the world will gradually be more accepting by that time. Weird thought came across me, but virtual environments will be so fun huh? We'll not only be able to be a fantasy version of ourselves, but we'll be able to wear a better mask of how we perceive ourselves, heck that could even be our true selves with the singularity and all.

I am so confused. You're on hormones but still keep referring to yourself as male?

Are you male or female? I'd understand if you were fluid, but it wouldn't make sense if you transitioned if you were fluid.

I'm partway transitioned.

I use the word male for how I present myself and how I'm perceived with those who do not know I'm trans. I'm not out at work, so to blend in, I am 'male' at work. This is not what I actually am. The male form I have is an illusion, a tool per say, to get by until later.

I see how it comes off as saying I am male. I am definitely not male. I just happen to mostly look like one at the moment with some feminine features mixed in.