new guy here

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I never quite honed how to properly start an introduction, but hopefully I'm in the right place, if I can't type in a manner in which I don't have to accomodate what the world expects me to do, in this particular forum, then perhaps I can't do it anywhere.

That sentence wasn't intended to sound harsh but I feel compelled to make sure that's clear, as that's what I'm used to having to do when I try to say flatly and bluntly what I'm thinking

I'll just leave that there, I'm cygx, a 27 year old stay at home dad. I was officially diagnosed with asperger's 3 years ago, but it never truly clicked and I never really believed it for myself until some revelation two months ago. Sure I told everyone why I was getting disability benefits, I even told my girlfriend of 5 years, but in my head it just felt like this really nasty secret I was keeping from everyone that I was cheating the system. I couldn't shake it and it made me feel awful.

Then I started actually taking it seriously and reading up on the condition. This was about two months ago. That night, and the day after, I felt this constant tsunami of emotions taking over me as I read testimonials and experiences, one after another. I couldn't stop reading, looking for more information. As I read it was like I was reading my whole life story. I was choking back tears, and this really surprised me...I never thought I'd actually take my diagnosis seriously.

Up until then it was just a "get out of work free card" and I kept attacking myself on the inside at what a horrible human being I was, watching everyone so easily go about their work days, watching the employees at the grocery store so nonchalantly go about doing their jobs, seemingly not bothered at all by the frustration of time and expectations that drove me to run away from every job I had. When I say I ran, I moved. Before I settled down with my current girlfriend, I'd just get a greyhound ticket and move elsewhere in the country. Never a two weeks notice, I didn't feel any of my employers ever deserved it. They never gave me the courtesy of allowing my individualism. I always had to conform. That's what the world expects you to do. So what do you get in return for the effort of conforming? Your paycheck? No, you get your paycheck for the work you do. How are you compensated for relinquishing your rights as an individual so that you can be some face no one cares about working the cash register? I didn't even feel human!

I digress. It was during that long night that I ran into this site. I signed up, but when it came time to make an introduction, I got to this very new topic page and I was about to type, but nothing came to mind. I choked at what to say first, what not to say. Yeah it's just a silly forum I know that, it won't negatively impact my life if I screw up here...but, I don't know how else to explain it. It freaked me out and I closed the window.

Well here I am, I took the first step. While I realize I'll have more luck finding acceptance here, I'm still inherently nervous by my the horrors of my past social blunders.

In summary, hi and please try and bear with me.

edit: guess it wasn't 2 months, it was 2 weeks.

Last edited by cygx on 27 Feb 2014, 8:25 am, edited 2 times in total.

Greetings and welcome to the Wrong Planet and I'm sure you'll fit in just fine.

Hi, cygx. Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hi! Glad to meet you!

When I read what you wrote about working, I felt like I hit the floor. I feel less alone. But, I also feel like it might be clear that I really can't hold a job, as much as I really, really want to.

I always start in a new job so positive and upbeat. Someone hired me! Yay! And theme's this new job with new duties and new people. And I think, "Maybe I've found the right combination!"

It always falls through. Both of the two full-time jobs I've ever had ended in less than four months. It ended with me literally leaving a note on my desk when I went on my break. A break that I never returned from. The other part-time jobs mostly ended without a goodbye. I just decided to not go back into work again. Longest worked job was part time and lasted 14 months. But, I was mostly alone. Shortest? A four hour orientation.

Wait, I forgot about the teaching job. 18 months, but not consecutively. There were breaks throughout the year. And my boss was extremely kind.

I thought it was the specific staff, so I'd get a similar job elsewhere. Then, I got the idea that it was the type of work, so I moved through multiple areas in various positions. I can't sit at a desk all day and office politics are too much for me. I loved the bakery, but most people who work manual labor are just miserable. I adore kids, but working with other teachers and handling parents was too much. Cashing in most places is awful. Customers are mean and bosses are cruel. And the hours are inconsistent and difficult to manage.

I moved to a new town a year and a half ago. Five months ago, I had to venture out and get a job, any job, so I got the one closest to home. And turned out, I liked it after all!

Until about a month ago. Pretty much on par. I do like the customers, because it's a quiet, small town. I hardly see my boss, which is a plus. But, every time I see her, she doesn't have much nice to say to me anymore. I get physically ill when I see myself paired up on the schedule with one particular coworker. We have had some pretty nasty interactions, despite my pleasant demeanor. And the schedule is exhausting me to death. I miss my family. I want to focus on my martial arts. I feel like my job is robbing me of my time, focus, and energy, which can become scarce.

I only work like 23 hours a week. Tops.

I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown. It's that one epic meltdown that has put an end to every single job I've had. Something or someone sets it off, and I just don't go back. The job before this one ended with a panic attack in the car and getting reamed out that morning. I remember screaming at my husband to just stop the car and take me back home. The one before that ended with me sobbing on the sofa, because I just couldn't get in the car and make myself do it. And before that was a screaming fit, followed up by storming out.

I don't have a diagnosis as of now. But, I'm seeing the parallels. I'm a nice woman. But then, someone has to go and start trouble. I don't even know what I did to prompt it! Before I know it, I have a mob against me in the socially modern form of the villagers in Frankenstein. Except, I appear pretty innocuous.

Then I get angry, because I'm hurt, and scared that they'll keep coming at me. And they do! They always do! By then, I know I have done or said something to set it off. So when I get past my breaking point where I literally and figuratively overloaded, overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like I'm coming apart, I cut and run.

I don't want to be this way. I wish I could either learn how to handle it, or just be able to stay at home and raise my son.

Hey, don't worry about the past - many of us, including me, have messed up bad due to not knowing that we had a problem that help could be sought for and/or because we just assumed we were unlucky. Welcome home

thanks guys

emmyris: you most certainly want to get evaluated if you haven't already, if for no other reason than to know more about yourself. It's also the first step towards getting our lovely society to realize that your brain actually DOES operate differently than them, and it's not something to just brush off like "oh everyone's brain is different".

Argh I hate when people use that, I try to explain how exactly my head works so as not to insult them or cause any trouble down the line, and they respond with something like "oh i'm like that too!" or "yeah we're all different though"...yes yes i know this but that's not what i mean! the point just never gets across unless you have an official diagnosis and can show them a paper, and then they're like OHHHH. and then they say something idiotic like "well at least you're not autistic!" we just can't win

it feels good to have found a community where i can just be myself and not have to give a disclaimer at every interaction.