Understanding Ethan, I need help.

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Hi everyone. I'm new to WP

I have a 9 year old son named Ethan. He has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS, ADHD, MERLD (Mixed expressive receptive language disorder)

3rd grade has been devastating for him. He has (up until the last few months) been such a happy kid. He is aware that he is behind in school, he gets frustrated so often. He wants to know why he "works as hard as the other kids, but his grades don't reflect it". This year has been the worst. We are working to get him placed in a school that will better meet his needs.

I need someone who speaks his language to help me.

He hits himself in the head, and pulls at his hair. When I ask him how I can help, he responds "I don't know, my head is full" He says he can't "make the thoughts stop going on". Can anyone help me understand, what he is trying to tell me? It happened today in the kitchen, no loud noises, no bright lights. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm assuming he's overwhelmed/ frustrated. What can I do to help him?


He bites himself at school. He picks at his fingers until they bleed. He says it doesn't hurt. (Then shows me by ripping a scab off) "See mom, doesn't hurt"
He doesn't feel pain the same way I do, nor does he feel cold. If I don't remind him to put on a jacket, he would go to school in short sleeves in the snow. Can anyone relate to this?


Lastly, how do I make him understand how brilliant he is? Last summer Ethan stole all my solar lanterns from the front yard. Took them apart, wired them together using old computer parts and various other electronics, to create a mini solar power fan. Took him about 3 hours. When I asked him "why" he told me "well, it's hot". LOL All I can say is, he was right... it was hot.

Anyway, his grades are low, but he is so freaking smart. We are trying to find the right school for him. In the meantime, how do I help him understand that he IS smart? I tend to speak using metaphorical language , which is utterly useless for Ethan. He needs it put in a logical way that makes sense to him. He measures success only by his grades, not by his accomplishments.

As a highschool dropout & self-trained coder, I can tell you that information overload imposes serious consequences in terms of perceived emotions. Your son is busy visualizing more than he ever took in in square one in order to generate such a volume of information. PDD-NOS & ADHD definitely don't fit what I'm reading (MERLD is quite likely, since it mirrors my own Alexithymia & depersonalization). I wish someone had explained to me, at his age, that he is simply extrapolating - that he must defy his impulse to keep his thoughts at arm's length, in order to form them more cohesively and avoid being consumed by truncated concepts and impossible geometry. It doesn't matter to me how you show him, but your son needs to understand the basis for his reasoning, and the true volume of contextual information it requires to self-sustain.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

My son describes it as having too many thoughts buzzing in his head. We have had more difficulty this year with him having the abilty to focus and put aside his special interests, so maybe it is something developmental. (It seems it, but it is hard to say b/c last year he was in public school and now he is home, so it may not be worse, but just seem it) My son is 8. He also has ADHD-like distractability, though we do not have a diagnosis for that.

If he has special interests in his head it is hard to focus on un-related tasks and it is easy to lose concentration, even in the middle of a task. I refocus him, but it is still easy to make careless errors.

I would see if he knows the material, and is just making mistakes due to focus. If you can convince him he knows the material, and they are just stupiod mistakes, if that is the case, that might help. If he does not know the material it could be b/c he cannot concentrate on the lectures and he may need one on one instruction.

I'm convinced Ethan knows the material, but perhaps isn't focused enough to ascribe meaning to it, or he's just busy thinking about MUCH more important things. I know my reliance on letter grades was a foil for my abilities in basically everything I wasn't being graded on. Electromechanical ability is NOT just some 'special interest' and should not be regarded as such. My intellect was seen as ancillary to my education and I still can't understand why. I fixed every other computer & security error on all my schools' networks since 6th grade, and I was still accused of being unfocused and lazy. Ethan may make careless errors because he's focused on FIXING EVERYONE ELSES'.

I'm looking at both of you. Consider this Firefox tab pinned.

Edit: Your son needs robotics clubs, computing gurus and internet access. I know parents tend to see the latter as a trap, but believe me your kid won't be competing over nothing on Facebook...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

This can backfire, but the discussion my son bought into hook, line and sinker was the one recognizing that modern grading rubrics are about a whole lot of things that have nothing to do with knowledge and learning, and are more a measure of your ability to follow instructions than how smart you are. And give him a list of all the things he knows that none of the other kids do. Does he even realize that none of the other kids could have solved the solar fan?

Thanks to everyone who reached out to help.

Cberg; After reading your posts, it's clear to me that you understand Ethan very well. You brought up internet access, he spends most of his time after school using the program scratch. He just discovered his love for coding about three months ago. He really enjoys creating video games. He is teaching himself, and learning from others on yourtube. As for robotic clubs, I have been searching to find one in the area. We have neighbors that donate old computers, printers and CD players for him to take apart. he says he wants to see how they work on the inside. Do you know of any other online coding type websites, keeping in mind his reading skills are not great. Thanks again for you insight.

DW_a_mom; I think the list is a good idea, I'm going to give it a shot.

ASDMommyASDkid- I asked him this morning if he could tell me more about the "full head". He told me that the "walls with words all over them bother him". Assuming school...type environments. He told me when he "walks by them he feels like he should read all of them", and then after he reads all of them they get stuck in his head. I know that has a lot to do sensory issues. I just wish I knew some magic words, to him to help him feel better.

Does anybody else have any ideas about the picking his hands until they bleed, or banging his head?

That is actually a very specific answer. My son is very visual so I would not be surprised if that is what he sees as well. I think I will ask him.

Maybe if you ask him if he can write or paint on the wall? I know that sounds stupid (and it may be) but maybe he can add what he needs to do to the wall, and that would help if what he needed to do also became visual and concrete.

Cberg, I hope I did not come off as being dismissive of special interests. In our case we have several strong ones, as opposed to one huge one, and so this is the most logical way for me to attempt to express it. My son switches back and forth amongst them and so he does not even necessarily focus on just one. They all kind of rotate, like a rotississerie or a spinning door, and it is just hard ti get the other stuff he needs to do wedged between, if that makes sense. Some of the things taught would enhance his abilities in his special interests, so it is not just stuff I have to get through.

I just tried to post a video and the WP site wouldn't let me. I wanted to show you a video I took of Ethan getting stuck. So I could ask if this is what you meant. Anyway, I will definitely check out the book. Thanks!

He does not feel acceptance because he is different from other kids, he may not care about how smart you say he is, all that may be bothering him is he is different from others and just wants to be accepted for who he is, and the more others push him to be what others want him to be the more he is going to feel he is not whom he should be. while he cant be anything other then who he is.

Many times I felt I had no control of my mind because thought come flooding in and I couldn't turn them off in my head, so it may not always be stimulus thats triggering his behavior, just thoughts he cant get out of his head. this is a part of having an obsessive mind, sometimes its hard to turn it away or turn it off.

The walls could be both, literal and figurative, with each contributing to the other.

I do know that when the AS adults on this forum design the perfect classroom, they very specifically say NO displays on the walls of the room. Apparently it is very distracting for many of them, creating a kind a constant noise in their brains. That would definitely hurt your child's academic performance, same as you and I could not do well if someone kept scratching their fingernails on the chalkboard.

My son is into inventing games, although he prefers the table top variety. He didn't start coding games until he was 11, and even now his interest in one wanes pretty fast, before he can get it up to marketable quality. Meaning that I think your son is amazing, and obviously talented. My son started with a simple game design software and eventually downloaded a professional platform that is available as freeware - the catch being that you have to pay for it when you actually sell or earn money from your game. And I wish I could remember the names of either. Should be easy enough to find, since the high tech summer camps tend to use the same platforms: just look up their curriculums, being aware that your son is already working at least 3-4 years ahead of his age group.

Reading is interesting at this age, because if your son is like mine was, their reading ability is really far behind the types of material they are interested in. It is a key time to get him to invest in his reading fluency, however. He can probably break through with that over the next year or so if he is willing to keep at it. Remind him of the world that will open up to him once he is reading with fluency (I think fluency is defined as being able to read with the speed and comfort level it takes for the words to flow as if they were talking in your head). And be aware of his apparent tendency to overload visually: he might be more comfortable reading with paper with a cut out designed to allow him to see only one line at a time. Similar on homework: visually block out everything with blank paper except the one problem he is currently working on.

I also wanted to let you know about the step you may need to follow up the "grades" discussion I suggested. The backfire is that he could decide to not care about grades at all, something my son moves in and out of. The sales pitch there is about college and future and a world that has no other way to measure what you know, so they use grades. Plus, learning to "play" a grading rubric is a life skill: your entire life you will be asked to adapt to and excel in someone else's system, that may reward things differently than you find fair; it is a constant life game we all play. If your son grows up to design games, he is gong to have to adapt to what consumers like, to a time table his boss chooses, and so on. And this is something that I've openly admitted to my son will always be more difficult for him because of his ASD, and I asked that he allow himself extra time to learn it and not give up or check out, for if the world is going to see his gifts, he will have to deliver them through a life skill. That is one of the challenges of his life that he is going to have to learn to deal with, and hopefully accept as a trade off in a world of gifts and burdens.

Anyway, good luck! It sounds like you have an amazing, wonderful child. He just needs room to thrive, and it sounds like you are trying hard to give that to him.

Just want to point up some resources that often get overlooked here: check through the posts stickied at the top of this board. There's a whole thread on IEPs which gives you language to deal with the schools, and an "index" of sorts (though since I'm not really around as much to update it, it's more of a collection..but still useful.

Also, here is an article with links to collections of "magic words" to use with the school: http://special-education-advocacy-suppo ... words.html

I also strongly suggest that you request a meeting with the school (in writing - though writing can be via email) and bring an advocate with you! I didn't check where you live, but google your state (or outside the US, whatever unit of government that is one step bigger than your greater municipal area or one step down from the federal government) and the words "Special education advocate." An awful lot of states offer them for free via the state board of education, or there are charities that offer them - many can be had inexpensively, and many service providers (social workers, speech therapists, occupational therapists, psychologists, etc.) will come with you if you are their patient.

Good luck! I still haven't figured out the "not smart" thing, but DS is now in middle school and has figured it out more than in the past...it's better, definitely.

I have Aspergers, (mild) ADHD, and MERLD.

I assume the "head too full" comment is because you asked an open-ended question. When I get asked very open questions like that, I rapidly think of answers upon answers upon answers--none of which are converted into language and it's just very overwhelming and I shut down. No extra stimulation required.

Ask specific questions, or lots and lots of either/or guessing and you will both be MUCH less frustrated.

As far as MERLD goes, it can be excessively frustrating to have so much going on in your head and such a small percentage is able to come out. I think I am only able to communicate about 10% of what I think. That excessively frustrating and really, really wears a person out.

To make him think he's smart, you can't merely convince him of it...especially not verbally. He needs to be convinced of it. To do that, provide him opportunities to build skills and then show them so that he can see it for himself. Also, let him have a loooong time to tell you what he is thinking so he can have success in communicating.

How does he think? Pictures? Patterns?

I think primarily in patterns and when I have access to a small handheld whiteboard to aid my communication, I feel much more confident.

I am glad you are looking for other school options.

Good luck.