Sometimes I wish I was more stereotypically "aspie"

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The way I look, and the way I act, I can "blend in" to NT society fairly well. The thing is, socially and mentally, I feel like I'm worlds apart from most NT individuals, and when I try explaining to a lot of them that I'm not NT, or that I'm different from them in certain ways, they don't "get" it. For this reason, sometimes I wish I stood out more and looked and acted more like a stereotypical "aspie". If it weren't for the fact that I was heavily conditioned in my younger years to "appear" NT, and if it weren't for the fact that I spent a lot of time trying to "adapt" to NT society, I probably would.

If I looked and acted more like a "stereotypical" aspie, and had my reputation cemented as such, people wouldn't expect so much from me, and I would have more freedom to be a quirky, unique, noncomformist individual. The problem is, my reputation suggests that I can in fact blend into NT society, and as such people expect me to, which is quite draining on me. As well, to try and go out of my way to act more "aspie", would suppress some of the more "NT" traits I have developed and gotten used to over the years.

I just want to be "me", and I don't want to be pressured to look or act any particular way.

Did you ever see the movie "Mary & Max"? Max is an aspie. When he's stressed he jumps up on a chair in a corner of his apartment and stands there till his anxiety level comes down. Even when he walks down the street there's a certain "look" to him that often causes people to pick on him.

I don't look like Max at all. In fact, a few psychologists I've talked to don't believe I'm on the spectrum even though I was diagnosed by a licensed clinical psychologist two years ago.

I've done such a good job in passing for normal that I, in fact, pass for normal. Over the years I've assimilated well, learned eye contact, memorized social rules, don't stim in public.

Sometimes I wish I did act the part then people would say, "Oh look. He has Asperger's. Don't bother him."

I have felt this way a few times.

I sometimes feel the same way.

I HATE being near that fuzzy area of the spectrum where AS and NT merge. For me, it causes all kinds of self doubt. Sometimes I just want to throw out the things I do that I feel are stupid but still do to make myself appear more "normal", and just let all of my aspie traits out for all to see.

Your first post was very timely--I have been feeling this a lot over the last few weeks. Many habits I have developed through a lot of effort have not served me well: for example, not saying what I really think or feel, because what I really think / feel tends to offend or hurt people and I don't know how to gauge whether what I am thinking has the potential to do that. In the end, I don't offend anyone but I have a very low opinion of myself, because I don't feel I am being honest, and I hate not being honest. Many of my NT friends can say something that is opposite to what they feel and still feel good about themselves for being polite or diplomatic, but I just despise myself for not being honest.

I very often wish that I had continued to "be myself" in the way that I was as a child--I spoke my mind, I dressed in clothes that were comfortable (even if they were odd), and I had a very old-fashioned and formal pattern of speech and behavior. I thought I sounded intelligent, but people said I sounded snobby and insisted that I stop "trying to talk over their heads" (I still have no idea what that means exactly). So I imitated other people and now I have a very casual tone which I employ in conversation. But I hate the way I sound when I speak, because it doesn't reflect who I really am. It's just become habit.

Because people were always telling me the "correct" way to behave, I am able to look "normal" most of the time. I even do things that are counterintuitive to me, because I know that I am expected to do them: talking with family or a friend, for example, when I feel upset. But acting the way people expect doesn't make me feel better, it just makes other people feel more comfortable to be around me.

I very often feel that acting NT comes at great expense to myself: loss of creativity, self-esteem, etc. I have tried letting go of some of these compulsions (i.e., feeling obligated to behave the way other people do), but my family and friends get very angry when I just "be myself".

I wish I had a solution to offer, but you did help me clarify some goals for CBT tomorrow--thanks. Will let you know if I find any insight.

As someone who isn't able to pass as NT, I'm often passed over for various jobs on first sight. Which affects, you know, my ability to eat and pay rent. The grass definitely seems greener on the other side but trust me, when people can tell that you are autistic on first sight, they won't give you a chance at all. You can always disclose, and talk about it, but for me, it's right out there in the open.

I can relate to your post. Since I've made so many embarrassing social faux pas growing up, I'm so scared to talk to people. When I do talk to people, I put on my NT act and just try to get through the conversation as quick as I can before I make a mistake. I usually put on a smile and keep nodding to what they say and only ask questions that are relevant and I try to avoid sharing things about myself or else I get onto special interest topics and bore people. Because of this great act I put on, people think I'm just a quiet and polite person and are shocked to find out I have Asperger's. My moms friend actually said "she must be high functioning then". People don't get to see what I go through when I'm away from them and I'll never show it to them because I'm too scared to "be myself". I hate being scared to be myself and unfortunately, I don't even think I know myself that well due to never being myself. Being an adult aspie like you and I, who are great at acting, means no sympathy for us which means no help. And unfortunately, that damages us more.

People can be ignorant because they have stereotypes about us. So, frankly, I don't care what others think. I'm glad I can blend in, but I know the truth, and the truth of my condition helps me take care of myself. That's all that matters.

Personally, I've never been able to pass myself off as NT. Now, most people don't know enough about autism spectrum disorders to put a name to what they see, but everyone agrees that there's something very strange about me. Different people have very different reactions to this, but most simply ostracize me.

"Catch 22" "no win situation" are cliches but it describes the truth. I find it tiring to trying figure out numerous times a day if an NT like approach or a more aspie approach to situations is going to cause the least amount of damage.

it is unfortunate that asperger syndrome has become stereotyped as a "cool" way to be by young people who idealize it as "naive genius".
young people seem to have an image of asperger syndrome as:

1. unconventionally pretty (aesthetically). they think that people with AS have the "wide eyed" innocence of a doe coupled with the intellectual capacity of a mystical genius. they think that people who have AS all look young, and therefore reject the notion that people who are old can have asperger syndrome because they do not look like young anime characters like astro boy. the stereotypical image of the "alien greys" comes to mind as the image that young people idealize as the "aspie look". "indigo children", "crystal children" and the "next evolutionary step" are common conceptions that accompany the immature notions of AS.

2. outstanding in talent and charisma whilst being completely oblivious to their talents.

3. brutally blunt without malicious intentions, thereby being blameless in stating what "nt's" are socially prohibited to state, and therefore are more honest and pure.

4. individuality to the point of exception from the bland throng of normalcy.

5. unbound by the anachronistic notion of gender and heterogeneous sexuality. they feel that anyone who identifies as male or female are old fashioned, and anyone who is not open to practice homosexuality is bigoted and entrenched in an outdated "NT" mindset.


young people are adopting ridiculous images like emo and goth and vampires and zombies etc, and asperger syndrome is just another flavor of alternative personality that they feel is inhabited by a select few chosen people who are superior to the rank and file of normal society.

i have asperger syndrome, but i am seen as a "non contender" to the "title" by young people who wish to adopt the "identity" for themselves, because i do not fit their image of asperger syndrome.

now it has got to the stage where people post "yay!! ! i am now an official aspie" after alleging they have received an official diagnosis, and the responses to their posts say "congratulations!! ! welcome to the club"

what a joke.

alternatively, someone may complain that they failed to be diagnosed with AS, and responses to those posts suggest that the psychiatrist responsible is a jerk and less able to diagnose AS than the posters who lament that they were not "awarded" the title.

now it seems that people are posting about how to act more like AS in order to portray the image more successfully.

i do not agonise over self image. i see through my eyes, but i can not see my eyes through which i see. i do not care about what my eyes look like when i look at the world through them.

some people think that because autism is "self" ism, that self contemplation and absorption is a natural result, but i do not believe that.

i see the world from the seat of my own consciousness, and the seat of my consciousness remains fixed in my own subjective viewpoint. i can not see the world from outside my head like non autistic people can, and that is the difference. i see less of myself than NT's see of theirselves because i can not get outside my head in order to look back at myself.

i am sure that certain members may be inclined to rebuke what i just said as an ignorant assertion, and they may feel the urge to say "if you think you have aspergers, you probably do", and they may see me as a nay sayer and reassure anyone who wants to be AS, that they are AS at heart if they want to be.
it is like "do not despair, you can be AS if only you believe strongly enough"

whatever. the program i wrote has finished processing and i now must get back to it.


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^It appears we've got a mind reader in our midst who knows all of what goes on in 'young peoples' minds concerning aspergers. I feel like if I where to ask most teens what they think aspergers is they would say 'what is that?' or 'I think maybe I've heard of that before' and maybe a few would attach a generic stereotype to it.

I wonder what do old people think about autism? since we know what the young people think thanks to the above poster I am genuinely curious.


I just don't think this massive amount of young people rushing to be considered autistic in order to join some cool club that some people with aspergers complain about actually exists to the extent they claim.

I just posted a question on yahoo answers asking people if they think Asperger's syndrome is cool. Most of the people on yahoo answers are young people. You can see the question here.