Aspie or not?

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Hi,

I've been married for a few years and been trying to work out for most of the time why my wife is uncomfortable with affection. After a fairly roundabout route, I started looking into the idea that perhaps she is an Aspie. Quite a few things seem to fit. She gets stressed out by social situations (including making phone calls), finds small talk difficult, she's scrupulously honest, she can be sensitive to being touched, she's more comfortable with things being planned and predictable (but she can cope when they aren't). She also likes to have quiet time by herself regularly and is generally a fairly anxious type of person.

On the other hand, she doesn't seem to have any special interest and I've never really known her to have had a "meltdown" and some of the literature that I'm coming across seems to imply that these are things that are pretty universal on the spectrum.

I asked her to do the AQ test and she got 26, although she skipped a question (I did it first and got 18 - felt it was only fair).

We're not really looking for a formal diagnosis, but I would like to establish one way or the other so I'm curious to hear from people who have more experience - how universal are these things? What are the defining characteristics of an Aspie? Is it possible for someone to be near, but not on the spectrum? How do I work this out?

Thanks,

Pd

She sounds a lot like me - and my own marriage ended because I couldn't handle physical intimacy.

A formal diagnosis would be the only way to know for sure what's going on with her, but if you don't want to go that route, I guess it comes down to finding a workable compromise with the intimacy issues. It's a pretty common problem for many couples (Aspie or not) – and it usually comes down to figuring out how much intimacy she is able to tolerate, and whether you can live with that amount, and be happy together.

Anyway, welcome to WP and I hope you will find some helpful information here!

People can suppress their meltdowns and if they're a more introverted person they will be less likely to let you know when they're angry, have outbursts, etc.

There are some of us here that have no special interest.

Not everyone with AS will fit the full criteria but they can still fit enough symptoms to be impaired by them. Impaired doesn't mean completely disabled but indicates that they struggle a lot in certain areas.

If one judges by the diagnostic criteria, there aren't any defining characteristics per se, rather there are defining areas of deficits (social, communication, repetitive behaviors) which manifest in different ways and combinations. For example, although your wife does not have intense interests, her behavior could still fulfill the repetitive behaviors criteria (DSM 5) if she has at least two of the following:

stims
routines/rituals/strong resistance to change
hypo- or hyper-sensitivity

http://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism ... c-criteria

Yes. It is called BAP (Broad Autism Phenotype).

Not quite what I was looking for as a first response! The good thing is that she can some of the time in the right circumstances and this seems to have improved over the years. However, I'm quite determined to do whatever we can to keep our marriage running as smoothly as possible, we discuss these issues quite regularly and she is making a definite effort in that area.

I'm finding more of an issue these days is that it doesn't occur to her to show affection to me unless I remind her, and even then it has to be at the right time. It is quite frustrating to feel that I need to ask for affection and damages the reassurance that I feel that I need about her feelings for me. Do other people have experience of this and how do you deal with it?



I suppose the main thing that I want to establish is whether it is a neurological cause and the same kind of approaches as people take towards Aspergers are likely to work or whether I should be looking for another approach. Secondarily, I feel that it is easier for me to accept her behaviour without taking it personally if it is neurological.

We don't really see the point in getting an official diagnosis and I'm a bit suspicious that they wouldn't necessarily diagnose correctly. Do you think we're wrong there?



Yes, but as far as I can understand, if it is Aspergers or similar that is the root of her discomfort then there are ways of easing the difficulties somewhat. eg. Over the last few days since I've been reading up, I've resolved to try to shelter her more from situations that she finds stressful eg. making phone calls. As an NT who has suffered from agoraphobia, I had previously taken the approach that exposure to it would eventually mean she'd get used to it and that would be a good thing, but if it is Aspergers then now I'm thinking that was a pretty counter-productive approach. My hope is that if I can reduce her stress load then it should reduce triggers a bit and she may have a little more energy freed up to overcome them a little more.


Thank you!



Thanks - that helps.



Not sure if it makes much difference, but we're British so it would be ICD-10 here I believe.



Sorry - what are "stims"?

She does like things to be planned and gets a bit stressed if they aren't but can cope with it. She does have a habit of saying a lot of prayers that she knows aren't required religiously but she feels a need to do so which might fit routines/rituals. She is fairly resistant to change, but I'm not sure I'd use the word "strong". She's fairly sensitive about touch, although this can disappear at times and I'm not sure I'd say "hyper" sensitive. I feel like some of this can be a bit of a grey area and it is perhaps a bit subjective. Putting aside the DSM/ICD specs and whether we describe it as Aspergers or not, does it sound like I should be using literature for Aspergers in relationships to help? I'm reading various different things and I'm finding that perhaps 25-35% of it seems to match quite well with her and much of the rest seems irrelevant. That said, when she reads it, there is the odd thing that she says she relates to that I wasn't aware of.

Try it and see. I think this kind of thing you can't totally predict, you have to take a chance, see what works.

Then I'd have to say that she cannot be diagnosed. I don't think any professional would give her a diagnosis if she lacks those two traits, they're the most noticable traits to having asperger's.

The thing about asperger's people don't quite understand is that it isn't just the social anxiety we feel. We're all capable of it as human beings. She could just very well be introverted, and there isn't any shame in that. Regardless of how your search for answers to her shyness goes, it's all about communcation with her in order to understand why she is the way she is, and it's about being mutually comfortable with your actions.

Thanks. I've already started to. I believe in trying to make use of other people's experiences too though and I was just hoping that someone here may have experience themselves or with someone else who sounds similar.



Don't professionals use other criteria?



I can understand shyness and being introverted. I used to be very shy myself and still am to a lesser degree. I was also suffering from panic attacks and was scared of going out of the house so social anxiety is something I can very much relate to. However, I'm very much capable of describing my feelings and analysing them, which was how I reached the conclusion that I was suffering from agoraphobia between sessions with my therapist (he reached the same conclusion at the same time independently). Once I realised what my problem was and did a little reading up, I took a very head-on approach and just kept exposing myself to things that were triggering my panic attacks and waiting for them to wear off until it stopped happening. If I start to feel that I'm falling back into bad habits then I hit it on the head again with the same approach and that works really well for me (whether it is a social phobia or something else).

However, I'm pretty sure that kind of approach doesn't work for my wife - if she's socially anxious about something then it doesn't seem to get noticeably easier with exposure. She also can't really explain what she feels or why no matter how hard we try to communicate about it, so I'm trying to look at it with the view that I'm never going to entirely understand it. That's a good part of the reason why I'm trying to establish whether it is - I feel the need to make use of other people's expertise and experience as communication alone is limited and therefore is not an efficient way of solving this problem. I'm certainly not going to push her too hard on something that she is really uncomfortable with.

You're right that even professionals can misdiagnose. (Also I realize you're in Britain, and getting officially diagnosed not as easy as it was for me.) So if you're content with feeling reasonably certain, based on amateur opinions... Personally, I think it sounds very likely, based on what you've described.

Meltdowns and special interests are not required by the diagnostic criteria. They are common symptoms of autism, but it's a spectrum disorder, and not every single person will have every single trait.

It sounds like you're approaching her specific issues in a very positive way, by helping with phone calls, creating an environment that is as stable and predictable as possible, and figuring out where her boundaries are, so you don't traumatize her by pushing beyond them. (How does she react when she's pushed beyond her coping ability? This is her equivalent of 'meltdown'.)

As for your own feelings, of needing more affection, and wishing it could be freely given... Yes, this is very hard for anyone in your position, and others have talked about it in the In-Depth Adult Life Discussion forum, so you might check that out. I know with my own husband, after 13 years he just couldn't live with the loneliness he felt, knowing that I wasn't truly attracted to him in a physical way, and that while I enjoyed innocent, playful cuddles, anything beyond that was only to please him.

So I definitely understand your heartache over lack of affection (emotional and/or physical) because I've seen it in my husband. And I applaud both of you for resolving to stay together, and work things out. That was my own feeling as well in my marriage, but not my husband's. Communication and a willingness to find a mutually acceptable compromise is vital, so it sounds like you two are on the right track!

Best of luck to both of you, and I hope that learning more about Asperger's will help you to understand your wife's issues better and better as time goes on.

My son has AS. His special interests are not atypical for a kid his age, and he does not stim. The most noticeable thing is that his eye contact has never been great, and his pragmatic language lags his IQ significantly, but both have improved tremendously with age and practice.

When he's in the groove with something, he will talk about it at length. Then again, I do exactly the same thing, and I don't have AS (I've taken those face-reading tests and I do very well on them). Still, I like big projects and topics I can dig into a bit, I'm a terrible administrator, and I dislike organizing and multitasking. I often feel neurologically "overloaded" in large groups of people, and I really think a lot of NTs feel that way too.

Whether she's Aspie or not, I just think you just need to find a way to communicate with her. One thing I find, in relating to my son, is that I do need to be very "out loud" about what I'm feeling at any given moment, and what others are thinking and feeling. It's almost reflexive at this point, the way I notice and generate "subtitles" for him. But it's a natural part of my relationship with him, nothing I really have to think about any more than I have to think about how I communicate with my husband or other child. The AS label was helpful in learning how to communicate with him, but a lot of it was just trial and error, which is sort of the way all relationships work really.

I guess what I meant to say is that if she has something neurological, she may want to find out for herself, but you don't necessarily need to get a label to figure out how to relate to her. Love has a way of helping us figure it out.

Stims are repetitive body movements associated with autism spectrum disorders; the most well-known is probably hand flapping.

Well, we're not entirely backward over here - the NHS can be wonderful for many things, but I think this is a bit of a weak spot.



Thanks - that's very helpful/



Thanks, I'm trying to, but this is something that I've only really concluded over the last few days so let's hope I can do it in practice!




Thank G-d it is very rare that that happens. I suppose the few times I've seen it, she starts to get teary and if it is particularly bad then she may start to cry. That seems pretty much like a typical NT female response to being pushed beyond coping ability though?




Will do, thanks for the tip.




Fortunately my wife does have some interest beyond that. I wouldn't be too hard on your ex-husband or too kind to me - I'm not sure I could cope in that situation either. I know that I'm personally not a particularly confident person and I feel that I need physical interest to reassure me that I am lovable. I suspect that most people are like that to some degree, whether NT or Aspie, perhaps men more so than women.




Thanks



Thank you!



Thanks.



Nope, can't think of anything like that that she does.