Advice for a high functioning Asperger with abuse problems?

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Hi my name is Maggie and my partner has high functioning Aspergers. Please keep in mind that he's not a monster. The situations that I describe here do not happen everyday. I really need help to save our relationship(if not just him) not just for our sake but for our baby's sake. I'm sorry that this post is so long but there are lot of layers to our problems.

My now ex has had a history in our 11 month relationship to be physically abusive . We both have come from abusive homes where our fathers where the ones handing out the abuse to us. He had to grow up in the majority of his childhood in a group home where he suffered from older kids raping him and mistreatment from one counselor. He has been to mental wards before as well. When we first met I just saw the sweetest and most caring guy I've ever met. He was my "finally where have you been all my life". We have so much in common, believe in the same things, like the same things, and have common goals in our lives. However a month into our relationship, on the 4th of July, he believed while during an argument that I called him a name. The argument was so small so for me that it seemed ridiculous he would believe I did that. We got home where he proceeded to call me names and accused me of planning to lock him out of the house. He closed his door and I barged in pointed my finger and said something like "you don't dare call me names. I never called you one so don't even think about disrespecting me like that". While I was walking out I his room after 5 minutes of arguing and telling at him to never dare disrespect me like that again he proceeded to call me a c*** and ran up to the door to lock it. I stopped it midway and pushed against it because I couldn't get over that he just disrespected me like that again and kept yelling"did you just call me a c***?" . He finally opened the door and pushed me so hard I fell to the floor on my side where I've had several sprains on that ankle. I was in shock that I just stayed there when he said something like that should get me to shut up and slammed the door to his room. I started to cry and my ankle was shooting in pain that I couldnt get up off the floor. I had to push myself on my hand and knees across the floor to try to get to the shoe closet so I can get my ankle boot on. He saw me crying to get to the hallway and he said "S*** what did I just do". He came up to me and asked to help take me to my room. I yelled at him to not hurt me anymore and he left me alone and went back to his room. I got to the hallway where I just started balling. I never felt so powerless or pathetic and it took me back to when my dad hit me. He came to me again and started crying when he saw me huddled up saying I'm so sorry. I felt so alone and needed comfort so badly that I asked him to hug me. He continue to say in sorry and we continued to try to enjoy the rest of the day. Since then, he still continued to hit me or push me all for around the same reasons "that I'm belittling him, I'm doubting his judgement, that I act like I know everything and push my feelings on him". To him I'm trying to argue when I express that I have a different point of view than he does. If I have a different point of view, he believes that I'm automatically belittling him and trying to start a fight. The most notable times he has hit me was when he got drunk and became so depressed from watching a Celine Dione DVD(it reminded him of his childhood) that when I tried to comfort him he pushed me off the bed and went to get one of his knives pointed at his neck and said he will kill himself and threatened if I came near him he would kill me too(I called the cops and at the last minute tried to play it down that he threatened to kill himself during an argument since I was scared of what would happen to him in jail) , and to getting drunk again that he pushed me down kicked my calf hard and then grabbed me again and punched my forehead because I woke him up when I had to do laundry(it turned out I was really early in my pregnancy then) that my mom kicked him out of the house(she owns the house but lives with her boyfriend). These times have lead me to have trust issues with him and post traumatic stress(I have nightmares every week involving one of these instances). Now that I am six months pregnant, dealing with a lot of stress (my insurance may not cover my pregnancy), I'm moving away, my doctor said I have slightly elevated blood pressure I need to watch out for, my dog of five years passing away, I have a lot less tolerance for his behavior. This last week he promised he would stick by my house for a couple of days since my dogs passing gave me so much grief. He then after two days said he couldn't take the neighbors slamming the backdoor every morning and my mom coming in every morning to visit me(she only stays for 5 minutes or less to get work stuff and leaves). I got so mad because the one time I needed him to be there after me being always there for him especially after his abuse he wants out. I expressed this to him and he said "what it's not as if it's a person you lost". I cared for her since she was a puppy and she was abused too so I had such a strong bond with her. She had a sudden heart attack and I watched her suffer and die. I told him he was being a jerk and that it was over. He later texted me saying fine she was a dumb dog anyways. Another time he said he would hang out with me since I'm moving soon and we won't be able to see each other much after I do move in to my new place. He bailed out on me at the last minute and I got mad at that because that was one of the last time we would be able to spend time with each other for a long period of time before the baby is born (literally just as we were about to go to his house to pick up his stuff)and he came up with a bunch of excuses that he didn't trust his landlords niece to steal stuff while he's gone, that all of a sudden he had laundry to do, that my brother would be there(I could always call my mom to pick him up earlier), etc. i got upset because I knew that he just didn't want to go and spend time with each other and had a fight about it and when I refused to let up on him because he broke his promise he said things like "I'm happy bella(my dog died), that I cheated on you(he just said this to try to hurt me), my anxiety disorder is a BS cover up to just say I'm a lazy bi***(I work very hard everyday to work on my anxiety),etc". I was so hurt from everything he said last night that when I brought it up he refused to talk to me and said"I'm sorry but to get over it. That it is my fault I'm hurt.that I have to get over the stuff that he said and his abuse. That he's over hurting me so so should I.". I got so mad that he was belittling my feelings that after 11 months of abuse I decided to show him up instead of backing down like I usually do and brought up his sore spots since he was more than capable of bringing mine out. Things like the accusation his mother was pushed by him during an argument is true because he was capable I hitting me and that his mom is not the angel he claims her to be because she shouldn't have put him in that group home. I felt so awful when I brought those things out. He was so upset that he said I was an evil b***, that I'm satan, that I hope one guy punches me hard enough so I learn to shut up. He said he would block me because I was harassing him(he's done the same thing to me multiple times and now that I fed him the same medicine it's "unfair"). I started crying knowing there was no going back and that I shouldn't have stopped down to his level. This morning he said he unblocked me but the condition is to never harass him again.(I'm upset that the one time I've went off the hinges he's acting like I constantly do this to him when actually he cries and begs for full forgiveness when he emotionally abuses me)We both said that we were sorry and we won't bother each other for anything other than things about the baby.

I know that he truly is an amazing person and that this abuse is coming from a place of hurt and anger. I've warned him that he will lose me if he continues this behavior and sadly it has come to this point. I'm planning to show him this post so maybe if he hears advice from other people(especially people who understand his condition) he will be inspired to get help. I know he's willing to but if he doesn't get over his entitlement and understand that I will probably never get over the hurt he's caused me he won't go far. We've had so many beautiful memories together and I know that he's not the monster he sometimes becomes. He has a good heart and it breaks mine to see his past taking over his life. He promised he wants nothing but me and his baby together and happy. Please help. I am all for constructive criticism but keep hate comments to yourself. Thank you.

All I can say is you need to think of your baby first now rather than your relationship or his feelings. Is this the environment you want the child to grow up in?

11 months? So you're pregnant at the moment? You baby is the priority now, not him, and right now he's in no mental state to be around you.

Having Asperger's and having been abused in the past is no excuse or justification for his actions. Non whatsoever.

ANY violence, even a single incident, even if it's just a shove, is totally unacceptable, and he has crossed that line repeatedly.

Personally, I'd cut him off completely. That would be the right thing to do, but if there's any part of you that does want to give him a second chance, make it absolutely conditional on :-

1. A year of absolutely no contact with you at all. no phone, no texts, no letters. nothing. If he attempts contact, get a restraining order on him.

2. Documented, checkable proof that he has successfully completed an anger management course.

You need to be strong right now. Your baby needs your protection.

You're both immature and emotionally unstable and need to stay the hell away from each other for at least, oh, 20, 30 years or so, until you have grown up.

Sadly, you are not mature enough to be raising a child, you're going to need a lot of help and you won't get it from him. Concentrate on getting along with your mother, that's the most important relationship in your life right now.

IMO---- Since you both came from abusive backgrounds that is the only way you have both learned to cope with life's challenges. Until you BOTH get counseling, you will not get better on your own nor will you out grow it. One more point to consider is that this is the type of environment you are bringing your child into. Get help now!

Sorry but this guy is not a good person. You need to move on. If you feel like you can't do it yourself you should get help. Start by calling a local domestic violence hotline.
Best of luck to you!

This was really painful to read on all accounts. Where I have a hard time having sympathy for him was when he decided to abuse you.

For you, you have a good relationship with your mother who has done what she can to help you. Show your mother what love you can. She deserves that much from you. And she has given you the best she can from what I have read. I believe you are likely thankful to your mother and I hope you can tell her that to help relieve some of the pain that you feel.

As for the baby, you may need to leave her in the care of a loved one if you are incapable of taking care of her when she comes into this world. Perhaps your mother is the best option to look after her?

You may likely need some professional counselling help or spiritual guidance to help with your recovery. If it is safe to let the emotions out in those settings, do so and let them all out. Do your best to forgive what has happened before now and move forward. I know this will be difficult. But do remember that if you were to take him back, you will need sufficient proof that he is growing and heading in the right direction.

As for him, he will need professional help and some counselling as well to deal with all the pain and anger he suffers from his past. He may need to understand what forgiveness is in order to deal with these problems. He may have to forgive everything that happened in the past to him in order to let his emotions out. He needs to push forward and leave the past behind him no matter how difficult it will be.

I will have you in my thoughts and prayers tonight and I hope that you will be blessed.

Hello everyone! I appreciate the answers that have already come in and hope each of the three of you received my pm. Just to sum up some of the answers I've replied to three of you.

1) the baby is the number one priority. I'm moving way for many reasons one reason being that my partner and I both need distance. I would never put my child in the position to be around that kind of behavior especially with the recent verbal abuse.
2) that I'm immature. I'm not claiming I have the best judgement. We should have never moved in that soon. I should have walked away a lot sooner. I should have been harder on him to get help or else. I am human. I let my heart get in the way of my mind for most of the relationship. However I did what I did and now I just have to handle it in the best manner possible.

Again thank you for the responses so far.

3) I will get help just don't know where to start.
4)the baby will be in good hands. My partner and I will be a distance away. Interaction will be minimal since he will only get to see the baby once to twice a week.

No matter how much you claim what a good person someone is, an abuser is an abuser. It's very common for partners to defend their abusive partners and make excuses for them and say what a wonderful person they are and then victim always blames it on themselves when they get abused.

No matter how much you claim what a good person someone is, an abuser is an abuser. It's very common for partners to defend their abusive partners and make excuses for them and say what a wonderful person they are and then victim always blames it on themselves when they get abused.

Never an excuse for abuse. Guy's a time bomb, and you owe it to yourself not to be near him.

Hi, I'm not sure why several of my fellow WrongPlanet participants are advocating improving your relationship with your mother. People can have difficult relationships with their parents, that's just the fact of the matter, even if there is not a history of abuse issue. And even though your father was the one handing out abuse, you might have anger and very valid complaints that your mother should have done more to protect you.

You do need someone, or better still, several someones. And this can just be people with life experience who are good at listening and respectful about giving a measured amount of advice without becoming fanatical about their own advice.

I personally am not a big fan of psychologists and psychiatrists. Some are good, but others kind of rabbit-hole (verb) in to their own particular theoretical orientation. And cease being good listeners and respectful givers of advice.

The other thing, and this might sound paradoxical, please don't focus every day just on issues and dealing with problems. Maybe take a course on pottery, or learn to play guitar if it's something you've always wanted to do.

And here's wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and your upcoming baby!