just some down talk

Post Reply New Topic

So I've been thinking about suicide, death for a long time. It has been something of a coping mechanism really.

I've been diagnosed today. For some reason with all this reality that starts setting in my suicide fantasies also start becoming more realistic. What do I do? I will probably not going to go through with it (its not in the plan at least for awhile) but its really messing with me. Would antidepressants help? But I really hate them? What would you do, how to stop wasting time on self loathing?

I don't understand why you would loathe yourself. I have often despaired of my situations in life, but I don't blame myself for the fact that others don't get me.

Some people have been helped with antidepressants, but I have always avoided them. Anything that's supposed to make you less depressed, but lists as a side effect "may cause thoughts of suicide" doesn't sound like much of an answer.

I found this to be true, years ago. Unfortunately, it's not a very practical solution for me now:

>>Less Depressed<<

I had a bit of a blue period right after diagnosis, but really, I was glad to know for sure that all those people who had been telling me all my life that all my difficulties were my own fault, and I could change if I just wanted to badly enough, were wrong. I had a neurological disorder - the differences were hardwired into my brain and it wasn't my fault.

There's nothing wrong with you and don't let anyone or anything make you believe differently. 'Different' is not inferior.

The consensus of the masses is always the Lowest Common Denominator and what intelligent thinking person wants to be a part of that?

Thank you so much for your reply. (I did shrooms a few times.. and i liked it will see if I can get my hands on them to experiment some more)

I think it's not so much that I hate myself consciously, it's more like an expression of self-destructive feelings. I am not quite sure how they arise psychologically. I have very high expectations of myself and thus I regret a lot of things (since I constantly mess up there's a lot to regret) and then self-destruction also serves as means of revenge towards other people (completely illogically).

Maybe I feel like I failed or I am something less than everyone else.. Maybe I feel that others failed me.

See I always could have done more. Adapt better, hide better, be better.. I suppose that's why I loathe myself - I've been alone all my life and so that's all that I know. So it's not others that are telling me that, but it's myself. It will take me a lot to adjust my fallacious thinking and accept this..

I want so much to have something profound to say to you to make you feel better, give you a reason to keep on going when you are struggling, but I have no such thing.

I have struggled with major depression off and on my whole life. I have done a lot of therapy. Once I found the right therapist it was really life changing, though took a long time. I am also taking a lot of drugs which really do help a lot. Again, hard to come up with the right combination but they make all the difference.

I understand how thinking of ending your life can be sort of a coping mechanism. If you cannot handle what happens today, there is an out. And then you just keep on going one day at a time. Perhaps now with your diagnosis, you may be able to get yourself out of the hole you are in.

With your new diagnosis, try to hold onto the thought that you brain works differently to the majority. Not bad. Just different. You are a zebra, not a horse. Different but not less than.

Thank you, just knowing that someone else knows what it's like is a lot xx
I suppose if there is a time when I can think clearly enough I will try and make an effort to pursue the right treatment.. It is just that, I am afraid that the diagnosis might push me into a whole new hole.