Immaturity, black and white thinking, and aspergers

Post Reply New Topic

I have noticed a lot of bitterness around here, but I want to talk about mine a little.

I have trouble understanding when it appropriate to contact or not contact someone. If someone doesn't directly say to me "Please stop contacting me." I just don't get it. Consequences be damned, I feel entitled to say something to them. Even just to clear things up a little.

I posted this in love and dating because when someone fades out on me and quits responding, I let my emotions get the better of me if it's a possibly romantic situation. Even years later. I start judging my actions by how I want to feel about them in stead of other people. I feel disconnected from the reality of the situation. I start looking for loopholes, for all the little ways the situation isn't as bad as I think and start obsessing over them. I start losing a sense of identity, and stop identifying with the state of the relationship.

I think I am immature in this respect. I could do much better. I am not focus on what my actions are doing to a strained and broken friendship. How it hurts people and they are willing to go to great lengths to protect themselves. I need to stop contacting them, but there is always a "but what if?" It's my challenge; I cannot count on other people to deal with it for me. It always feels like reaching for a tiny, quasi-nonexistent chance just because it exists. I don't care for what it does to me or other people because I feel like it is worth it. I would be better off sitting on my hands no much how the yearning hurts than sending another mean-spirited or obsessive message. I have regrets, everyone has regrets. What I lack is a good perspective on what I am doing. Is tunnel vision an aspie trait? I think focusing on the details is. I keep on telling myself I don't want to let go, but I can only make people comfortable if I learn to let go. This isn't really love I would say, just obsessing over the possibility of love, as intoxicating as it is.

It's probably too late for me to salvage anything in this kind of situation. I still hope though, still I might fail myself. Fail other people even more.

How do I stop myself? I need to learn to bear my burdens better for one thing, even of they really are that bad. I was wondering if anyone has good advice.

Honest to God, this guy has the best advice for this:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw[/youtube]

I don't know if this is an impulse thing or not knowing when to stop contacting someone but my advice for knowing when to stop is if they stop responding to your messages, that is a cue to stop contacting them. If they have ignored three of your messages already in a row, it means it's time to stop and if they do respond, then you can respond back. Most people will not tell you to stop contacting them because they think not responding will be a hint that they are not interested. Some may be blunt and tell you when you're not getting the hint.

My policy is to leave only one message, email, text or whatever method of communication I'm using (I do use multiple types, but only one each). If you tell someone to call you back and they don't, telling them again won't make them want to talk to you more, AND it makes you look desperate. Even if you are desperate, you never let someone know that.

Think of it this way: eventually, someone is going to tell you to stop, and you'll decide it's not really a "stop" kind of stop, and keep on. And she'll get a restraining order against you, which will be visible whenever future employers and landlords and universities do a background check on you.

Don't harass people. If you contact them and they don't get back in touch with you, it's not because they've lost their sherpa on Everest, or they're trapped in a subway, or they're playing hard to get. It's because they don't want to get back in touch with you. Respect that and leave them alone. They don't owe you any explanation, closure scene, anything like that.

Your logical reasoning has to learn to overpower obsession, anxiety and fantasy. I struggle with it at times.

But you have to say "STOP IT!" when you get these thoughts.. you can't let them through. After years of practice I'm improving a tad.

You can do it,

I likewise struggle with this, as I think there's something about he Asperger's that makes me want closure and an explanation, even if it's brief. I think we're all so used to be socially rejected that we want to know why (plus that awkward conversation usually yields something that is useful for the future). I'm at the point now where if I don't hear back from someone in a timely fashion I just need to delete their number, and remove them from my email and Facebook accounts. Otherwise my impulsive desire for the last word will eventually win out. I can't complain when people just stop talking to me. I've done it to others in the past. I did it because I was terrified of having an honest conversation with them. I now realize what an immature and selfish thing it is to. Unfortunately, it seems to be how most people operate. Hopefully you can find some comfort with not always getting the closure you want. Good luck - D

Completely blind area for me, but the one response seems like a reasonable one. Any kind of relationship never seems to last for me unless someone else does the social handholding. It feels limiting and frustrating sometimes, but it's just reality.

((TornadoEvil))

^ An old internet term for hugging someone. I thought you needed a hug.

Thanks for the hug, I needed one.

I'm not sure what your situation is, exactly. How old are you? Was this a long-term friendship you had?