Hey all, I'm a 21 year old dude thinking he propbably falls on the spectrum.... What worries me is whether I am fighting my destiny with somethings here by not acknowledging the way I am genetically encoded. When I say destiny, I of course mean certain people are better off doing certain things than others - there is a flow and if you fight the current too hard you lead a failed life. My overbearing logic has landed me as an agnostic as far as religion is concerned, but that is not what this is about.
The most practical way I can think to approach this is sort of a list of things on my mind:
-My mom goes on and on about how awesome I was with legos at age 2-3 (symmetry and color organization)
-I have always thought I had a little OCD, with making sure other peoples picture frames are straight and brushing my teeth in counts of 10
-Small talk seems rather useless, I can make it but don't enjoy it...sort of a game to make to other person think I pulled it off
-I tend to insert pre thought remarks to what people have to say... like "right on" and "that makes sense" and my "oh ya" and "mhmms" feel so forced...I don't actually know where to put them
-Eye contact is always thought about and I can do it but it feels kinda funny
-My voice kinda untunes itself if I give a public speech sometimes... just drops off for a word then I have to take a breath and keep on
-Making and maintaing friends is iffy... I can make them if I want to, but we always drift apart. Whether its my fault or theres is variable
-In group conversation I never really know when to talk... I prefer being one on one with most people
-I am a drummer and enjoy producing electronic music
-I am currently studying Construction Engineering as math and physics have always been a strong suit
-I had a seizure that manifested as a "complex migraine disorder" when I was 10
-My social anxieties still persist and sometimes cause vomitting...
-I mostly get nervous about new things, eating in restaurants, various large social encounters where I don't know what is expected of me
-I over analyze hand shakes and high fives
-I have little "ticks" like a body twist, rolling my wrists, tapping my feet, or even little neck bends... they are thought out enough that people don't tend to notice them as ticks though
-My dad has benzene induced leukemia
-I am missing 2 fingers on one hand
My thought is the benzene altered chromosome 7, leaving me with missing fingers and placing me on the autism spectrum
I am smart enough and cabable enough of becoming a construction engineer, but the schooling causes so much stress. Deep down it is only for the money though, and we all know money is fake. Fake money printed by a government we do not need, for why does man think he needs to rule man? I worked two summers as a white water raft guide in CO, and it was in the wilderness away from it all that I found peace. I got off my migraine medication thanks to marijuana, didn't have an anxiety attack all summer, and life was good. Tough to tell if the stress is really worth it. On a similar note, with potentially having some autism in me, I almost feel guilty in trying to date. I have been on and off with a girl for over a year now, and ultimately I fear it may not work because I am not social enough... and I am not social enough due to my lack of desire combined with anxieties. I do feel that I love her, and nothing comforts me more than her...but I almost feel like I should listen to my anxieties instead of trying to conquer all of them. For example, eating in restaurants is weird. A bunch of people you don't know raised and killed an animal, put it in a big polluting truck and delivered it, cooked up by some random people in the back, brought to you by someone who you probably told you wanted it, and the whole time there are tons of other people around face stuffing. This is not natural! I do not think humans are supposed to live like this....maybe that is why my body rejects it and I have anxiety attacks at restaurants. I read a thread on here about autism being a potential evolutionary step. Perhaps it helps decrease population by creating humans who have less interest in other humans, leaving them less likely to find a mate. I believe this is to show us we are off course (not saying there is a divine plan, merely that there is "good" and "bad" as some of us can feel and reckognize more so than others). There are of course, good and bad ways of life... and the world as a whole seems to be missing the mark. With the way corporate greed has led to huge profitabilty on big oil, benzene is being pumped into the atmosphere like no other. Whether or not we are truly seeing the full effects of it yet, I believe there will be a lot more autistic people in the future. We live in a consumer economy...hopefully this will bring more innovators and producers! Through technological advancement though, I feel like we lose touch with our roots... Our interconnectedness with nature is undeniable if you think about it at all, and I yearn for a simpler life.
Went off on a mini rant there at the end of that organized list of my symptoms... but I hope this opens up some discussion! I find it harder and harder to do my schoolwork the more and more I think about this. I want to go surf, and write music, and figure out the worlds problems!
Thanks for being here!
-bait shark
15 Apr 2014, 10:49 am
