Lonely

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I really haven't posted here before, but I desperately need to vent. I'm a grown adult, yet, apart from the people I've dated, I've never had a single friend that I made on my own. When I was a kid, I only made friends because my Mom pushed for it. This continued into high school. There was exactly one person that I got to know in high school as a result of this, and this girl ended up being much closer to my family than she ever was to me. She and I just don't have anything in common.

When I try to talk to people and make friends, I almost always freeze up. They'll say something funny and witty, and all I can do in response is maybe smile and chuckle, because I can't think of what to say. I understand how this kind of conversation is supposed to work in theory, but when I'm in the heat of it, I just can't think.

The worst part is that, while I can't respond well in conversations, I've gotten very good at reading people. So, as I stand there looking like an idiot, I can see that the people I'm talking to are feeling awkward or amused. Most of them at least try to keep their reactions subtle, but some of them will laugh right in my face.

My fiancé is the only person that I've ever formed a relationship with on my own, in person. (My other romantic relationships began online.) I don't know why, but something about him made me feel safe from day one. I didn't freeze up. I am very thankful that I was fortunate enough to have this happen at least once, but I do wish I could have other people to talk to, especially other women like me. I hate feeling like some freak in social settings.

My wife is my only friend. I technically have others but I never ever see them as I grew tired of being "the funny guy" and became a recluse when I felt I didn't have anything real to contribute. I also learned how to ask people questions and respond to their answers with other questions, and let them talk; but aside from being an effective communication tool to survive a social gathering, I personally wasn't fulfilled by this back and forth verbal dancing.

As to the freezing up, I've gotten worse with that and feel it's a lack-of-practice issue. If you interested in improving that I'd suggest immersing yourself, watching what others do, read some self help books (ie win friends and influence people) and I'm sure you'll get better at it in time.

I used to be in that place of rigidity. Someone would crack a joke, and I would envy how fitting to the situation it was. I'd carry in my head a supply of jokes that may come in handy for today and then try to use them but they'd never fit the situation properly.

I'd have rehearsed facial expressions and phrases for everyday interactions with strangers. I'd go through hundreds of "if-then" scenarios in my head and try to predict today's flow of events from yesterday's, usually with horrible results.

It was rather painful.

So, having been where you are, I strongly recommend taking up activities which challenge the part of your brain responsible for spontaneity. It is like a muscle, and it can get stronger.

It's an unusual feeling when you start feeling that muscle working. Other people had it their whole lives, and here you are with this new... spontaneous adaptivity. It may never become as good as other people's, but you can develop it to be functional in social settings, elevator talk, react spontaneously to something happening, etc etc.

The key is to find an activity which forces you to interact with an unpredictable human without giving you time to plan it. What works for me is Aikido and improv. What may work for you is paired dancing... or something else.

Just don't pick things like rock climbing. You need something where you are forced to directly interact with another human.

Thank you for your replies.

I usually try to do the same, and it does help some...many NT's are perfectly content to sit and talk about themselves all day. But, like you, I am often left unfulfilled by these conversations. In my own personal experience, the NT's who are willing to sit and do most of the talking aren't talking about anything that would actually interest me, so the dialogue (or is it monologue?) just exhausts me. Still, I will pick up some self-help books...it certainly couldn't hurt.



I used to do this too, and it would usually backfire for me as well. There was always something that I didn't account for, and I'd just go mute whenever something threw me off.



Good advice, thank you!