Dated a Wonderful Girl With Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a 27-year old NT guy and last year I briefly dated and totally fell for a girl with Asperger's. At the time I didn't know about her condition but I always noticed something "different" that had me wondering. Most of our relationship consisted of texting as we only hung out 3 times with a few brief face to face chats in-between. On several occasions I would ask her out, she would say yes but very close to the time/day arranged she would make an excuse. In person she seems the happiest girl on earth, always smiling and laughing but she comes across as quite negative and having a low mood in texts. Also many a time she would take my jokes seriously and things I say literally, sometimes I even thought she was just playing along.

In the first 5 months of contact she told me she had feelings for me, was always texting and even showed signs of jealousy (If I mentioned going out with friends or talking to a female colleague etc), but on the other hand it seemed like she didn't want to hang out with me and she often gave off an uncaring/hard to bond with vibe. There was also something about the way she texted, very short and often one-word responses which made her seem uninterested, and she wouldn't ask many questions about me. I can also relate to another post on here regarding her responses to compliments, sometimes she would say thanks but other times I would simply get "ok". I was convinced this was due to her severe shyness, until after a while she starting seeming unsure whether she wanted to take things further at all. I liked her a lot so I was willing to be patient and we always agreed to be friends no matter what happened between us.

At certain points I started having doubts about her honesty on certain things, which had me thinking she was playing games or leading me on, for example she was still saying she liked me but wasn't sure what she wanted, and she would agree with me when I said it would be lovely for everything to work out between us. It was frustrating and one night I sent a text firmly asking her to have a good think and make up her mind because I was beginning to feel hurt not knowing where I stand. She was so distant for about a week and after that time told me she just wanted to be friends, although saying she would let me know if she ever changed her mind and still making the odd acknowledgement of my feelings for her.

During the following months we had still been pals but every now and again I would tell her I still had feelings for her. I normally didn't get much response to that and a couple of times she would become distant or close up, which led to an argument of sorts if I said something about it. It was during this time I was told she has Asperger's and it made me very fascinated about the condition. When reading about it there are many traits and aspects that strike a chord. She then told me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore, I was happy to accept that and just be pals but it felt like she was still being awkward and distant at times.

We are no longer in contact now as she seems happy living in her own world and only having her close family to talk to. I should also point out that she's never had a boyfriend so maybe guys don't fit in her life at all. As for me I'm trying to get it out of my head and move on but I still care about her and think about her all the time. A lot of time I feel guilty for some things I've said to her out of frustration, not overly harsh things but things a girl with the condition may be overly-sensitive to. I feel I've driven myself mad trying to explain things to her and so many apologies along the way which don't seem to make a difference. I'm unsure whether or not she is aware she has Asperger's and part of me wanted to mention it to her, with hope that being aware would benefit her in future years and have a clearer understanding of herself. I simply felt it wasn't my place to say so it was never mentioned.

Thanks for reading my story and any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

Who told you she has Asperger's?

Sounds typical, you seem to be obsessing over it too much. It sucks, I know, but you have to tell yourself to think about other people more if she can't devote that much effort to you.

I wish I had a boyfriend like you.

One of her colleagues told me who had worked with her for 5/6 years. The same colleague had worked with adults with ASD's so she knew the signs and symptoms. I was also talking to one of my family members about her who is a nurse and she had previously suggested it.

It has been my experience that suggesting to other people that they (also) have Asperger's has gone wrong.

Been then again, I am f---ing Aspie, what the hell do I know about interacting with people?

My suggestion is let it go cold, and see if she contacts you. If she doesn't, then you know the truth, even if it hurts.

Thanks for your responses. It is 99% likely that I won't ever hear from her again. I do know that she doesn't care about being in contact with me anymore and yes, it hurts. It's the reason I'm pushing myself to move on but I'm wondering if I will ever get over her. I had never felt that strongly about anyone before, and I liked her a lot as just a friend too. I felt a connection to her as neither of us have much of a social life so the thought of us being there for each other even just as friends was amazing. I think she had the idea that just being friends wasn't enough for me and I will still bump into her on the occasion, whether we will talk or not remains unclear.

Actually I'd suggest the opposite.

'Letting her go' is the worst thing you can do...not in the sense of forgetting about having a relationship with her but rather in the sense of not trying to contact her unless she contacts you.

You seem to be playing the typical NT subtle-message game which to you is very obvious but we are BLIND to.
If she does have AS be upfront and direct.

Call her. Tell her you'd like to have lunch or something..just meet with her for 10 minutes.

Ask her upfront if she does have AS... if she says yes then let her know you like her and that once you learned more about AS you were left in doubt as to whether she was or was not interested in you (as per all that happened above). Don't expect an answer right then and there... she'll probably be anxiety bombed with all this. Tell her to think about it and call you whenever she's ready to say yes or no. Only then will you know for certain.

I have to admit I did tell her that I wouldn't be contacting her again after she started ignoring my texts. That colleague I mentioned who knew her for years told me many times I should move on as she doesn't seem to have much interest in anyone at all. She is very very close to her mum and she likes just being herself, something she did tell me once. A couple of times I hinted about her AS without asking her outright and she didn't seem to know what I was talking about. I don't think she will ever leave her mum and she doesn't have any friends. She seems to be comfortable with that life and content, so it's one of the reasons I feel I should just leave her be. She also seems to think I'm a bad person now because she had ignored me and stuff. She never used to do that at all, it used to be I couldn't go an hour or 2 without getting a text from her asking what I'm upto etc. I don't have her number anymore so I can't contact her but the next time I see her I would like to make a face to face apology for everything, apologising via text doesn't seem to work, she is very stubborn too.

That's the thing with negatively shy people, they have short interactions with someone and then go back to their secluded life without saying much, and you often are left wondering what they really wanted from you in the first place. It is frustrating at times since it leaves people hanging, a flat out yes or no, or a clear explanation would be more reasonable.

I wouldn't pin this on just Aspergers, as I've met shy NTs who behaved the same way. There are shy aspies and there are more outgoing ones.

I would not contact her again, since she is clearly acting uninterested.

She is definitely shy, in fact probably the shyest person I've ever met. She can be quite chatty in person though.

If she's not interested then that's that. Until you hear her say that you wont know for sure. Willing to spend years wondering if she was the one you let get away? You wont know unless you ask her directly.

No pain no gain.

I kind of feel I will spend a long long time feeling she's the one who got away, perhaps maybe the rest of my life. I feel as if she got fed up with me because I got insecure about how she felt about me, but in my mind she gave me reasons for feeling that way. In my opinion I don't think she will ever seek a romantic relationship, but at the same time I feel like her opinion of me changed because of the way I started to behave. I'm so certain she did have feelings for me but she is quite socially inept and I felt like she was being unreasonable, when all I did was be kind, caring, considerate and patient. She used to point out I'm such a nice guy and stuff but I feel so guilty about when I asked her to make up her mind about what she wanted, that was the huge turning point between us. From that moment on she just wanted to be friends but thought (and I guess she was right) that I had difficulty accepting that.

She did make it clear she didn't feel the same for me anymore but she did like me as a friend, normally I had to ask how she felt as she is so introverted. Sometimes I think she has always just told me what I want to hear. Even if I did get in touch with her again she might not even respond and I would just be left feeling more hurt. It's very very likely that I will see her again (we work for the same company) and part of me wants to apologize with all my heart, and the other "proud and being a man" part wants to just not speak to her even if she talks to me first. As well as feeling guilty about my behaviour towards her I also feel like she's messed me about too. Perhaps I'm just too proud for my own good .

Cool story, bro.

As someone who has been utterly oblivious to women trying to show their more-than-friend interest until they stated it clearly, and who is big-time shy, I would go with asking directly. Be clear but not overwhelming in how you feel, and polite, and be sure she knows you want to know how she feels. I don't know the best way to ask - putting myself in her shoes, written communication allows what's said to be double checked on and thought about, but you might not get any sort of reply. Face-to-face/on the phone, depending on a whole lot of variables, would stand a good chance of putting me into a shutdown, even if I was actually interested. But in this regard, you have a better idea of her than we do.

But yes, I would say with be clear, and be clear you'd like a response from her.