I think the tendancy to"humor" people is damaging

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You know when you're missing all those non-verbal cues and common sense appraisals of a situation or social interaction, and rather than just say outright how they really feel or what they really want people "humor" you.

So you're left thinking things are fine or unaware of what is really going on, and they are secretly angry at you and go around behind your back telling everyone what a horrible person you are. Then when it gets back to you, assuming it does you're at a total loss and don't know what else to assume but that the other person is crazy. I mean I think this hurts everyone who can't read these cues or doesn't know what it really means.

I am so sick of this, why can't people just gently say what they really feel or want?

At its most silly it can be like when people offer you something just to be polite, but you're expected to decline but instead you accept and now they are pissed. My wife once scolded me when someone left the room telling me I was SUPPOSED to decline the hosts offer of a drink.

... why would someone ask you if you want them to get you a drink if they don't want to get it for you...? that makes no sense at all. I mean, if they wanted to let you know you could have a drink but didn't want to get one for you, they could say, "drinks are in the fridge," or whatever.

I tend to get mad in those situations. "Niceties," in my opinion, are rarely nice.

I REALLY wish that people would just say what they mean. I probably wouldn't have telepathic powers even if I didn't have Asperger's.

Sometimes humouring does not mean people are actually having negative feelings about you, for example people humour people when they talk about an interest of theirs, everyone talks to people about things that the other person is not necessarily interested in but they humour them to be nice and because they are friends, its a give or take it does not necessarily change how the person feels about you

It also depends if its condescending, like if the person is humouring you just so they can get rid of you, that's not very nice. I tend to like the idea of ignorance is bliss, without people humouring others everyone would get lonely, I think its a natural conversational and social convention

I don't think a lot of people catch on to people humouring them, autism or not, I am not aware its something everyone can pick up on otherwise there would be a lot less talking in the world

What does it mean to "humour" someone? Yes, I'm that clueless.

It means going along with a conversation even if they other person is talking crap in your view, without arguing with them. e.g. A friend might say they're convinced a place is haunted. If you know they're quite "spiritual", and you don't want to upset them or get into an argument, then rather than telling them ghosts don't exist, you go along with it with what their story, maybe just saying "I've never experienced anything like that".

Essentially, it's when you think someone's wrong, but keep it to yourself to avoid conflict.

Oh Ok - I want to thank you for your info there Pete42

I'm a new member and just thought I'd have a flick through to see what kinds of things people discuss on here (diagnosed a couple of years ago at age 43, married mum of two in the UK) and already I've learned something. I thought humouring someone meant laughing at unfunny people's rubbish jokes or smiling a fake smile at someone you don't like. I never realised you ought to humour your actual real friends too....I'm always completely honest, forthright (aspie) with people who I consider my friends and always argue the point and then wonder why maintaining friendships is hard work for me!!

I know there are lots of other reasons being friends is hard for an aspie but I'm pleased to have had an eye opener on my first day on the Wrong Planet forum! thank you. I just hope I can put that new information into action - I'm not very good at remembering these types of tips in the middle of confusing social situations and those sort of soothing/placating types of sentences elude me most of the time. Doh!

This is just one of those social norms that (NT?) people learn growing up. But it is not just ASD people that run into these problems. As soon as different cultures start to interact, you begin to see many problems of missed social queues. I have heard from my German friends many times that they believe American's are very superficial. More than a few times they gave an example of when they were on a study exchange in the USA they went to a party and met someone they got along with. At some point the American might say something like "Man, you are awesome. We really need to hang out some time". A week later the German might see the American and say "So when did you want to hang out?" in reply the American says "huh, who are you?".

I try to explain to my German friends that Americans are no more or less superficial than anyone else. They just use a lot more figurative speech than the VERY (in my opinion) literal Germans. If the Germans are indeed very literal in their use of language, I wonder if they would be easier for AS people to understand?

see this forum discussion for more examples of how English speakers view the Germans: http://www.city-data.com/forum/europe/1 ... irect.html

Thanks! I actually do that to acquaintances all the time but I'm told I'm transparent so I can't hide how I really feel in my body language. (I don't even know I'm projecting body language and social cues because I don't know how to pick them up myself). I am very honest with close friends though- and even then sometimes it gets me in trouble as I miscalculate how comfortable I am expected to be. And some people have fragile egos they don't like being crushed.

@ katyb You're welcome, from a fellow northerner.

@AspieMD

I know what you mean... it can actually be quite uncomfortable to humour someone if you're really skeptical, and I think it can show. I try to ask questions, and maybe make open-uncontroversial statements that might bring the conversation round to something we can both discuss with interest.... so in the haunting example, I might make vague reference to some quantum theory that suggests multiple overlapping universes, and say maybe what we call ghosts are somehow related to this... I'm not saying ghosts don't exist, but it does indicate to them how I see the world, and if they're a friend, they may well "humour" me back, and realise themselves that we have very different belief systems.. Often they'll also be happy to let the conversation shift to another topic and conflict is avoided..

I don't think the thing in the op is humoring. Is just missed signals and social conventions.

I had a friend who used to ask me questions that wold lead me into monologues. Eventually I realized that he was not as interested in the things I talked about as I was but he could see how happy I made me, so he humored me. It was a gift.

The thing where people ask if they can get you a drink but expect a no answer can be really hard, but it isn't humoring.

The other day my wife called me into the kitchen and told me to stop talking to her brother because she was trying to get him to leave. I was making myself chat with him because I thought it would be rude to continue working on my computer, though that was what I wanted to do. Sometimes you need an NT advisor to get through these things; or just follow a very limited, safe script and turn down all offers of drink or food that aren't part of what everyone is doing.

LOL....Laughing at rubbish jokes is also humoring (humouring in the UK)

Basically, humoring somebody is done to avoid unpleasantness. There is the social need to not offend.

It goes back to prehistoric days; even then, people knew that warring with each other was not the answer. So: whenever one tribesperson would preach about his/her tribe's gods, the person from the other tribe would say, "Perhaps that might be true--but I haven't experienced it myself."

In "primitive" societies, I would say "humoring" people is actually more common than in so-called "civilized" societies.