THE LAST STRAW!! !

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Since my mother has been unconscious, for about a week now, I haven't been to the hospital to see her. She always told me that when it was near the end and she was out of it that she didn't want me nor the kids to see her like that. Also, because of my depression and being so upset over this, i don't know if I could handle seeing her out of it like this. I haven't been up there since she got to the point where she wouldn't know I was there and my presence would do her no good.

Not only were the nurses b*****s to me about it, even though I explained things to them, now my friends are coming down on me all judgmental and stuff because I'm not up there.

EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG! If I go up there, then I've violated promises I made her her since I was 12 about that. She's reminded me of it every time she's gone into the hospital before. "Don't come if I'm dying and not conscious" she would say. "Don't you dare being those kids up here if I'm dying and unconscious either!" she would say. So, I'm getting s**t now from my friends about not being there. I've EXPLAINED this s**t to them over and over. She used to actually say to me "To me, dying is like going to the bathroom. I don't need you in there when I do it, I don't want you in there when I do it, and you don't need to see it!". You can't be clearer than that over it. If she was conscious, I'd be there no matter what she said about it, but she's NOT.

I'm barely hanging on as it is. Financial worries, looming jail for DH over that f*****g dog, my mother, now people judging me left and right. One of my least judgmental friends just got on to me about not being there. I've EXPLAINED this s**t to her! My oldest daughter is blaming me for everything and bitching at me constantly. My husband is no help at all, hell I might as well be single as married to him. Now this.

I'm SO TIRED of being blamed for every f*****g thing that happens, or no matter what I do, it's wrong. I'm SICK, SICK, SICK of it!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Screw them all right now. You're just doing the best you can do, and you can't do more than that.

(Sorry again about your mom...)

I don't know you. But....

Do you want to see her? Or spend more time with her now?

If you want to be there, go. It's ok.

If not, CALMLY say no, you and your mother decided this together and you want to honor your commitment.

OOM, I am sorry about your mother and what is happening. My opinion. I would go anyway and disregard your mother's wishes on this. On things like death, NTs will say stuff like this but it is in jest and they don't mean it. PLEASE GO ASAP!! We disagree on things but I'm imploring and begging of you on this. Please GO see your MOTHER and please forgive her for everything! Don't take what she said literally PLEASE!

I really don't know that I could handle it. I really, really don't.

Even here, people don't understand what I'm saying.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

My new answer, when people ask me why I didn't go up there is "Because I'm obviously a cold, uncaring, heartless b***h of a daughter and she's lucky to be getting away from me!"

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Nurses are stupid. They think a mother can never do any harm, and to not be "supportive" of your family is your fault.

They never consider how horrible your parents are or what YOU'RE going through.

I would say this proves who your REAL friends are. To not be supportive in a time when are like this is horrible. To further blame you for this crap when you're obviously hurting and going through so much is SELFISH.

I know you told me about your mother before. Honestly, I know both of our mothers are similar. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't see her. As hard as it is not seeing her and also being so depressed, seeing her might makes things way worse. Also, if she's unconscious, this isn't fair to you. It's like she is practically "gone" at this point, so I totally understand why you won't see her. It makes no sense. Pretty much you will sit there and cry and think about everything in silence, while talking to someone who is not fully there.

It can make things worse. I've seen people do this in hospitals. It makes them worse. It's like they can't let go.

a promise is a promise, and the OP is holding up her end. there should be no controversy.

I will tell you a lot of RNs I personally have known think they are better than other people. They like the demonize people who "aren't there" because they are burned out and need someone to blame. They like to think their patients are angels and their families are horrid. I mean, if you had to admit the people you take care of are as*holes or somehow not deserving of supportive family, you'd hate your job even more.

I agree with auntblabby. Not only is she holding up a promise, but she's doing what is best for her. No one is looking out for her except for herself at this point, and she is doing a damn good job of it. Everyone else in her personal life who is making it worse should take note that they don't have to live her life.

It's not uncommon for a person who is terminal and close to death to keep family away. A few years ago, a buddy of mine was dying of cancer. We'd known each other since we were kids. He made the decision to have food, fluids, etc. withheld and pass quickly before things got worse, which was the right choice. He didn't want to see his kids traumatized and he didn't want his wife to watch him die. And, he didn't want anyone in the room who depended on him, since he did feel bad about leaving his family. He asked me to sit with him until he died, which I did - it took eleven days. Honestly, he made the right decision for everyone. While he didn't suffer, the last few days weren't pretty. So, for my part, I think you did the right thing by letting your mother pass on in the way that was most comfortable for everyone. I saw in another post that your mother has passed - you have my sympathy.

SoftwareEngineer is right, too. When I was a caregiver, often, people refused to pass on until either everyone was gone, or only the one person they wanted to be there was in their presence and everyone else was gone. Usually, this is a spouse and/or the oldest family member.