I wish suicide was an acceptable way "out"....

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It's been rough, and this runs deeper than just not having a job right now.

I know it may not be logical, but I've always needed a purpose to live. If life itself is not enjoyable, purpose is what gives me a reason to carry on.

My whole life, there was no purpose...just the belief that it would come someday if I just kept holding on.

I think I've had it with waiting for it to happen.

Remember that question in Philosophy 101 when you are asked to choose would you rather have a long life with pain or a short life of bliss? When you are young, it's easy to side with the long life of pain...just to see all the things you would miss out on. As you get older and experience more of life, you start to realize there is a certain wisdom in opting for a short life of bliss.

If I killed myself right now, my life insurance would ensure my aged parents have want for nothing. When they are gone, my sister would inherit everything...as compared to having to share it with me. I would no longer have to worry about how I'm going to support myself or what will happen as I get even older and less able to take care of myself.

I have nobody in my life who is going to take care of me. I am not well-off enough to ensure I can pay for someone to take care of me. I have nothing in my life that I'm passionate about. The few things I did care about were taken from me, and nothing has replaced them.

The only thing keeping me from exiting right now is that my spiritual beliefs tell me it is wrong. Otherwise, I've pretty much lost hope that I'm going to find a reason to carry on.

If there is a purpose for why my life is this way, I need to find it.

If there is a reason for me to not give up and die, I need to know it.

Faith only works so long as there is a reason to hope. I've lost my reason to hope.

I'm as hopeless a human as you can find. I wasted my life drinking and drugging. I have no friends. I have no job. I'm depressed all the time. I've started going to AA/NA to keep myself sober.

Then something happened.

I actually met people there. They seem to genuinely care about me because we're in the same boat together. One guy even said to me, "You know you're my man, right?"

In other words, just as I'm losing hope, something comes along to resurrect my interests. I consider myself a nobody, but if it can happen to me, it can happen to others.

I just wish I could find people more like me on a local level.

Not being able to find a job where I'm accepted or tolerated (although I know it's a very tough market for a lot of people), is bad enough.

Having no place I fit socially is worse.

I can deal with the idea that my job won't fulfill me, but having no leads in my personal life to finding fulfillment is another issue entirely.

A group of motorcyclists I associate with were having a gathering this coming weekend. I decided I would go to spend at least one night with them. While I was "welcome" to come, I wanted to nail down who was showing up on the day I'd be there so I'd know when and where to meet them.

Silence.

The guy reserving the cabin commented that some people dropped out because I said I was coming.

I don't desire to go where I KNOW I'm not wanted. I'd never enjoy it and feel more out of place than I normally would feel. I backed out.

I don't know if anyone in that group feels bad about my backing out because I'm made to feel unwelcome. Some would say I'm being weak by letting those who disapprove dictate my choices, but I don't see any virtue in forcing myself on others.

Personally, I hope it downpours all weekend on them.

Even among misfits I don't fit in.

Can I have your sister's phone number?

Seriously though - If you offed yourself now, would your parents and sister have "It was probably for the best!" engraved on your tombstone? I very much doubt it.
I'm not a parent but I don't think burying one's offspring is ever a cause for celebration. Whether you get on with your family or not your suicide will have a genuinely negative & lasting impact on them. I'd be very upset if one of my siblings jumped off a bridge.

You should have gone to the gathering knowing that most of the dicks in your social group had decided to stay at home, maybe the remainder are actually decent people. If the drop-outs genuinely don't like you for whatever reason, they're perfectly entitled to have whatever opinion they have of you, as you are of them. Bollocks to 'em!

I hope you can cheer up somehow.

If they had my sense of humor...YES.

It's details like knowing my death would hurt them and that the chance of committing suicide is higher when the subject has a family member who's done the same.

I just want the pain to stop. I've been using some pain pills left over from a surgery to help sleep some nights. They really don't help me to sleep, but when they kick in, for the next 3 hours I feel NOTHING. I just want to keep feeling NOTHING.

How many times can you keep getting up before you have no more fight left in you?

Don't do it. I'd be going bananas if my sister took her own life. My parents would also be upset. Suicide has a lasting negative effect on families. Suicide is a path of destruction that I choose to avoid. It's a path of destruction that ruins families and some of your relatives might go down that path if you do so. Also, all of us here on WP like you a lot. We've already left two members to suicide in 2006 and 2007. We don't need to lose any more members for that reason.

First of all, most life insurance policies have a statute of limitation against suicides. The policy only pays out in cases of natural or accidental death. Otherwise, there'd be people buying a policy and then taking their life, as a way of helping their families financially. It's a sad way to abuse the system, but who's to say it won't happen. So in your case, the insurance company will simply take your money, and the CEO will get a bonus.

Either way, our society criminalizes suicide, and is dead-set on making suicidal people feel as miserable as possible. Through things like physical restraints, forced medication, invasive group therapy sessions that tell you how horrible suicide is, and even hours-long interrogations about one's feelings. They're supposed to act as a deterrent against further suicide attempts or ideation. But it only does the opposite: it encourages people whose lives can be saved to go through their plans quietly, as opposed to coming forward for help.

We might have a similar sense of humour. Mine is quite sick, but it has kept me going no matter how dark things are.

So far anyway

First, the SOL is 2 years. I used to sell insurance, and it's right there in the policy. If a person has a policy more than 2 years, the company can't claim they bought the policy as a way to get money for those left behind. Suicide is considered the result of mental illness. Not enough people plan that far out to kill themselves to justify an indefinite ban.

Second, the whole attitude towards my situation is why I can't really ask for help. I don't want to be put on drugs that I could become dependent on for the rest of my life or perhaps make me worse. However, there are no "treatment" options unless I have lots of money. For all the talk of helping people in pain, it's either drug them or nothing at all.

Can't say I've ever been seriously suicidal for long, but I totally agree. If I feel that way again, I KNOW there is nowhere to go for help as the "help" offered is worse than death, especially for an Aspie. If given the choice between a year in prison and death, I would choose the later and can never understand why murders plea to avoid the death penalty. There's no place I can honestly say where I feel I can talk confidentially to someone without being labelled as 'crazy'. Even counselors told me if they felt I was suicidal they would contact the police so I had to censor my thoughts at the time. As far as I am concerned, I am one of the few sane people left some days! Here's a thought: maybe suicide should be open and freely available so people can TALK about it without being treated like a criminal. I also resent the fact that suicide is considered a case of mental illness. If you were facing a 50 year sentence in maximum security prison with no chance of parole or escape, would not any sane, rational person consider a quick death over painful psychological torture?

All I can say to the OP is to hang in there. Every time I have felt hopeless, something has always happened to 'pull me' back up. What's helped me is that I have decided to go out of my comfort zone and try new things and try to meet new, decent people. My depression is a combination of loneliness and lack of challenge in my career as well as resentment to how well my school bullies are doing relative to me. So far I have been doing much better although far from perfect. Keep your head up OP I know how miserable you feel right now!

THIS is what I used to try to point out to NTs when I was younger and more naive. Because NTs think that treating a suicidal person horribly will make him think twice before becoming suicidal again. Kind of like averse conditioning. When in reality, it will only make him think twice before coming forward for help! And instead, just carry out the plan quietly to avoid getting caught. But since a suicide helpline or a hospital doesn't see the same person return, they pat themselves on the back for a job well done of saving his life. Out of sight, out of mind. When in reality, the mistreated person wised up, learned how to avoid getting caught, learned what not say to avoid getting Baker Act-ed (confined against his will for his own good), and found a more reliable plan to go through with it. (I'd mention examples to show what I mean, but then the moral police would tar and feather me for giving people ideas.)

The criminalization of suicide is partially driven by Abrahamic religions, which heavily permeate the American society. These religions state that life is a sacred gift from god (rather than a product of two adults copulating), and taking it yourself is a terrible sin. Christianity views taking your own life so badly that it can deny the person a burial in a Christian cemetery. Judaism treats it like murder. Islam, I'm not sure. Since most Americans are Christians and a sizable number are Jews, it's no wonder than such views are so widespread.

I remember a suicide scene in the movie "Soylent Green". There is a freely available government-run assisted suicide clinic (referred to in the movie as "going home"); anyone who's fed up with life can go there for no cost, and be treated with utmost compassion and dignity. Of course, there's the notion of being turned into soylent green crackers. Now, THAT would be a suicide deterrent. (Of course, the characters didn't know that soylent green was people, but still.)

I see life as something sacred (not sure if I'd call it a "gift") because to regard it as something cheap (in my view) is to invite some very dangerous social attitudes about human life and dignity.

The thing is that most people who attempt suicide really just want attention...to know that someone really cares about them. The ones who really want to die usually use a method where there will be no intervention to save them. The guy who makes a show of it and actually dies really dies more from the miscalculation that someone wouldn't step in and save them before it was too late.

There was the story of a teenage girl in my community who committed suicide at 15 after being bullied severely and raped. They talked about the family reached out for help and how she was involuntarily committed and stripped naked (by men) to "protect her". They even mentioned how she got all sorts of diagnosis until they settled on 'probably Aspergers' when in reality all she needed was someone like me to talk to her like a human being. We don't even treat serial killers that badly! The solution here was to put suicide barriers up on the local bridge and not publicize deaths at all but I laughed and said "all I would have to do it go to the other bridge that doesn't allow pedestrians. What are they going to do, arrest me for stealing a car? They treat criminals better than suicidal people anyway in this f**king country." Probably should have been careful saying THAT out loud but my point is the attitude towards suicidal people is almost laughable if this wasn't such a serious matter. I didn't want attention I just wanted the overwhelming pain and misery to end. I would rather be dead than be confined in a jail or hospital and have actually wish to be put in one for a (very) short time to see if it really is as bad as I think it must be.

I remember watching Bowling for Columbine many years ago and Michael Moore was talking with Marilyn Manson. When asked how he would handle troubled kids would be to sit down and listen to them. What a concept and it took Marilyn Manson of all people to figure it out! Other than my parents, NOBODY did that for me and all had their textbook answers prepared ahead of time.

I want someone to murder me and the murder attempt shouldnt leave me hurt or
in coma state
it should be leading to death
also disguising a suicide in such a way that it looks like accident is worthy try

provoke someone miserably to make them

Zer0netgain, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly. Please, please do not give up hope even though things are very difficult for you right now. Often times, people do not fully know how much they are cared about by others because they are in a fog of sadness and depression. Family members are devastated by the loss of their loved ones, especially if their death is the result of suicide. They will spend their time wondering what they could have done differently to help and feel guilt at not doing so.

There is always the hope of things getting better and finding the joy in life again. If I may offer some suggestions they are to: find someone you can talk to. Not reaching out will only leave you in the same spot. And even if you are not keen on the idea of taking medication, sometimes it does help or you can find alternative therapies and treatments.

Just please do not give up. You never know what will happen one day that will open your eyes to how beautiful and special life is and the important role you have been given in it. You may feel like you don't have purpose, but perhaps it is that you can't see it. Who is to say you haven't positively influenced someone's life or done something kind that made someone's day? Purpose is very often not obvious (since many, many people struggle with the concept). Believe me, you have a purpose. Find a way to hold onto that faith you have and know that things will be okay.

Hang in there. I pray that you'll soon be feeling better.

I'm not sure how old the original poster (OP) is.

While I don't feel YOUR pain, I feel the same way most days.

If I was on vacation from work (as in no one was expecting me to work for a while) I'm pretty sure I could be dead for a while before anyone noticed. I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis.

The ONLY thing that keeps me from taking my own life is knowing that I would be abandoning my son.
Although he is 24 and doesn't live at home and is not financially dependent on me, I want to believe he would miss knowing that 'mom' is there. We do talk every week or so. He has a life so he calls me nearly 100% of the time.

I've told him how much he would get if I died - life insurance, my savings, my retirement, my house - about 400K altogether. He says he can wait to 'collect'

the only reason I am still alive is because of my son. period. If I didn't have him, I'd have been gone a long time ago

Maybe your/my life will get 'better' (whatever that is), but the thing about death is that it's permanent.
No do overs on death.