My life is falling apart and I can't stop it from happening

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Background - I am a disabled veteran who believes he's an ASPie. I am married and I have a 9 month old son. I suffer from major depression and I have anxiety disorder.

I was on Effexor and I was doing ok, I thought maybe I needed something else. I tried to renew my prescription but it expired 2 days before I submitted my refill request. I run out of meds 2 wks later. I can't get the VA Hospital to send me a refill. I make an appointment for Feb 14th and the Saturday before they send me not 1, but 2 letters to tell me it had been cancelled. They did not say why and they did not reschedule me. Now I had been without my meds for a while and I have been having a really hard time. My wife says I am driving her crazy and this morning when I told her I thought a particular toy she gave our son was not age appropriate because the tag says 4 years and up she told me she had almost had enough and that she was on the verge of leaving me. This of course made me even more upset. I love my son so much and I cannot bear the thought of not being with him. It is becoming harder and harder to focus on anything. I know my wife is frustrated - she is always making what she says are jokes but I can't tell when she is joking so I take what she's saying at face value and I take it personally.

I am having a harder and harder time telling when people are joking and according to my wife I take everything too literally, and I talk too much especially about trivial minutia. Everytime I want to talk to her about something I think is serious she says "Why won't you stop talking about that? You get on one subject and run it into the ground." I feel like she doesn't want to help me.

I have an appointment tomorrow at a different VA. I'm going to let them know just what I have at stake.

I feel really bad about myself, worst in years. My child's smiles are what I live for.

My one best friend moved away and we don't talk or email any more, we have been drifting apart for years. I have no friends, the closest to that I have are my guildies in World of Warcraft. Playing WoW or my Wii makes me feel much better but she thinks I shouldn't do it as much, I only play WoW a couple hours a day. I am also overweight and I am hungry almost all of the time, and if someone says anything to me about my weight I get ravenously hungry.

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be there for my son. Something has got to change.

If it was me, Id get rid of my wife, women are beside themselves these days. (how are you disabled)

Ill be honest with you, the one thing that gets me off my ass off the couch, out of wow and out of the house to get some exercise and some sun is the idea that one day I will be blessed with a son of my own and I want to be in a position to be a god in his eyes.

It sounds like you eaither were born with no conviction to begin with or it dwindled over time.

After reading all that the best chance you have and the most important reason for you to get back in the swing of things is for your son.

I mean honestly what in anyones life will be more important than your childs safety, education, up bringing.

If you really wanna get back in the swing of things you have to relate every thing you do for the rest of your life to your son.

"Is this good for my son" "Will I gain respect from my peers and my new biggest critic?"

I know it may not seem like it. but to me you are EXTREMELY lucky and blessed to have a son.

As a 22yo male I sometimes feel a little cheesy and a bit feminine for dreaming of the day I will have a boy.

And I cannot wait because i know the day he pops out my whole life and his will change for the better.

And the thing with eating. I used to be a tad overweight as well, 5'8-170lbs

Now im not saying this is your problem and im not pretending to know your reasons. but i am trying to relate.

My deal was that I was hungry ALL the time. I blamed it on being depressed (which was how it started out) stressed out, and overworked. Eventually I kinda came to the knowlage that being overweight really just multiplies all over your problems like 10 times.

Id been going to fast food restraunts and ordering like 10 dollars worth of food every night, it sucked.

And it was alot of money too. My trick to stopping was to change the perspective of my problem. Look at it from a diffrent angle.

I looked at it from more of a phyiscal rather than mental burden. I kept looking in the mirror and saying "damn, you are a fat boy" and i kinda figured out of ALL of my problems, this is probably the easiest one to fix. I completely stopped eating fast food and anything else that you can just look at and tell that its gonna make you fat. and i limited my meals to the 3 provided for me on the ship (im in the navy).

Your stomach is a shrinking muscle. I swear to you after like a week, week and a half of limiting your portions and the speed that you eat youll start to look at the food in front of you in a diffrent way. I can hardly finish whole meals now and i get full faster.

I havent really lost that much weight but just the idea of consuming about half the food i was a month ago is a GREAT feeling. and you know your not getting any fatter.

thats just one less thing for me to worry about.

And the thing with eating. I used to be a tad overweight as well, 5'8-170lbs

Now im not saying this is your problem and im not pretending to know your reasons. but i am trying to relate.

My deal was that I was hungry ALL the time. I blamed it on being depressed (which was how it started out) stressed out, and overworked. Eventually I kinda came to the knowlage that being overweight really just multiplies all over your problems like 10 times.

Id been going to fast food restraunts and ordering like 10 dollars worth of food every night, it sucked.

And it was alot of money too. My trick to stopping was to change the perspective of my problem. Look at it from a diffrent angle.

I looked at it from more of a phyiscal rather than mental burden. I kept looking in the mirror and saying "damn, you are a fat boy" and i kinda figured out of ALL of my problems, this is probably the easiest one to fix. I completely stopped eating fast food and anything else that you can just look at and tell that its gonna make you fat. and i limited my meals to the 3 provided for me on the ship (im in the navy).

Your stomach is a shrinking muscle. I swear to you after like a week, week and a half of limiting your portions and the speed that you eat youll start to look at the food in front of you in a diffrent way. I can hardly finish whole meals now and i get full faster.

I havent really lost that much weight but just the idea of consuming about half the food i was a month ago is a GREAT feeling. and you know your not getting any fatter.

thats just one less thing for me to worry about.

uh double post? i got some error

Aubre,

Hang in there, champ. There are people who care about you and things will get better. I've had that "life is falling apart" feeling myself, so I can relate.

Right now, you need to get better so that you can take care of yourself, so you can, in turn, take care of your wife and kid.

When things get really desparate for me, I focus on something small and attainable that might help me feel better. I'd start with the exercise and eating well. Here's some simple things you can try while you're waiting on the meds to come through:

Work out a plan for what you are going to eat for the day and stick to it the best you can. When I eat better, I feel better.

Do whatever exercise your disability allows you to do: weight lifting, walking, running, stretching, anything. It will help.

Read books on Buddhism and meditation and practice it.

Talk to your wife. Explain what's going on with you in an informative tone. Explain that you love her and want to get better, and show her that you're doing something about it.

I most sincerely hope this helps.

Effexor is not a med you go off of "cold turkey"...this could be contributing greatly to your current frame of mind...google the withdrawal effects...read them...have your wife read them.