Struggling to understand friendship dynamics

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ayoungaspie
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11 May 2014, 5:03 pm

I was originally going to ask this on Yahoo answers, but it wouldn't let me make such a long question. So I thought this was as good a place as any (even better, probably) to join and ask! I hope this isn't TOO long btw.

I'm one of those Aspies who is more inward about it - I tend to mask it rather than express it externally as others apparently do. Many people would probably wonder why a guy is so bothered about friendships (I know guys are generally more passive about that sort of thing). I know it's REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of your friendships over the internet, but I'm going to try my best.

First of all, I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. But this is mostly because I'm worried about annoying people, rather than because I want to keep them happy.

Basically I'm a 17 nearly 18 year old guy. I'm not very independent and have fairly narrow interests (as is expected with Aspergers), but only to some extent. I have some friends, most of whom I knew from school, a few of those from school are into PS3 gaming like I am. I have two or three friends I have regular contact with. One I have a lot of ups and downs with, he talks to me a lot about his relationship troubles and whatnot and I meet up with him sometimes. The other lives closeby and I see him at college and in person a lot too. These are the two friendships I'm not so worried about. I'd probably consider them close friends.

I'm sort of on the 'outer circle' of another group of friends. One of them I only talk to every 2-3 months, but he usually makes the contact via a PSN voice chat invitation (he's not a reliable texter as sometimes he ignores my messages). Another I used to play online games with quite a bit, but he doesn't seem interested in playing with me much now, although he still plays with another guy in this 'circle' (who I'm more of an acquaintance to). I'm definitely on the outer circle here, whereas the other three are close friends. Just today I had asked him if he wanted to play a game, but he said the game would glitch because his parents were using the internet (he also does live in a VERY rural location). A few hours later I texted him asking if his parents were still using it, but he didn't text back and a few minutes later he was playing a game with the other guy and didn't even invite me to play! As you can imagine this caused me a lot of inner stress, because I felt left out and my attempts to get on the inner circle weren't working.

I am almost at breaking point due to anxiety about this. It matters more to me now because I have drifted away from some other friends in the last 6 months or so (so I guess I feel lonelier now) and I have become quite obsessed about it because I'm now worried about drifting away from others. It's as if I have gotten it into my head that I want to on the inner circle of this group and I can't stop analysing it all. :( It feels like I either have to be close friends with them or not at all, because all the time while I'm not in touch with them regular I'm going to be worrying about drifting away from them. Now they have invited me to bigger social gatherings, like on their birthdays (which does give me some consolation) but like I said I'm definitely not on the inner circle.

So I guess what I'm having trouble with is understanding the dynamics of friendships, i.e. what makes a friendship close and not-so-close, and how to change those dynamics (i.e. make a friendship stronger, and how to go about doing it without being annoying).

Can somebody please help put my mind at rest and perhaps give some advice?



anneurysm
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12 May 2014, 9:58 pm

I'm a little similar to you in that I am highly self-concious of what people think of me, and am always wishing that I could be closer to some people in my life. One thing I've come to terms with recently is the fact that not everyone that a person meets is going to be their close friend, and most of the time, it's nothing to do with you. Some people are more introverted, shy, or have busy lives and prefer to spend time with those they are closest to. Even if you are doing everything right, some people will keep you at a distance, but it's often not about you and that's totally okay.

I've also realized that it is normal and expected for most people to have an average of 2 close friends and to have a variety of casual friends and aquaintances. My advice is to not worry too much about your relationship with the gamers. It looks like they enjoy your company by inviting you to gaming sessions and social gatherings, so they would be considered casual friends - I am sure there are others on their outer circle as well. As for the situation when one if them ignored your game request, there's a good chance it wasn't personal and he may he may had really been focusing on fixing the problem.

Continue to be friends with them, but focus more on cultivating your relationships with your two close friends, the closer they are, the better you may feel about this situation.


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Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


ayoungaspie
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30 May 2014, 4:23 pm

I didn't reply on this topic for a while because this did go to the back of my worries for a bit, but it's back again now. I just feel so helpless in trying to be closer friends with certain people. I'm one of those people with Aspergers with the mind frame that if someone isn't perfect in my eyes, it's no good at all. So it's like I've got it into my head how I want things to be and I can't stop being anxious about it until I get, even though chances are things would be better off if I was more laid back. Anyone got any more advice???



KazKazKaz
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07 Jun 2014, 12:53 am

This sounds a lot like what happened to me during my junior & senior years of college - I was involved with this friend circle but was never really sure if I was in the group or on the outskirts of it, and seeing myself on the outskirts of it sent me into bouts of loneliness. I would attempt to push them away to assert my "independence" and convince myself that I didn't need their attention in order to feel secure, though I very obviously did. I would fluctuate between being obsessed with them and wanting to be closer to them, and feeling like I should cut off contact altogether to spare myself the emotional turmoil and embarrassment. I didn't have a lot of other offline friends than them, no one I regularly hung out with, and my weekends were spent mostly waiting for them to call me and worrying if they would forget me.

This lasted for a really long time and looking back on it, the only thing that really solved it was time. The friend group shifted, some people were pushed out, and those who were left were the people I had been closest to from the start, and I felt that "in-group" connection after that. And I think I matured too, connected with other people, and my emotional dependence gradually lessened. But I did have a lot of moments of clarity when I realized that I was over-analyzing, that it's okay not to be super close to people, that friendships are allowed to change, and that the people I was obsessing over probably didn't analyze the friendship the same way I did and therefore didn't know / had no intention of causing me the turmoil that I experienced.

I think as Aspies we feel much stronger attachments and betrayals from people around us, and a lot of times it's exaggerated in our minds, and the people around us have no idea that we interpret and analyze friendships in these ways. And I think, in that same vein, we also over-analyze our own behavior in these situations. I think we're similar, I'm very introverted and have learned to mask most of my behaviors - at the expense of causing me anxiety and over-self-consciousness.

But basically - I am never anywhere close to being as annoying as I think I am. And I doubt you are either. You are allowed to initiate contact with people you want to spend more time with, and this isn't annoying. They're probably waiting for you to do so - I found that a lot of times I was waiting for my friends to contact me, they were uncertain of doing so because they didn't want to bother me. As introverts we sometimes come off as the "leave me alone" type of people, and we aren't really expressive in our relationships either, so it's likely that people may seem to "distance" themselves from us out of respect and uncertainty. By initiating hang-outs it'll communicate that you're invested in the friend group and you're open to receiving more invitations from them.

Hope this helps. I know how emotionally consuming this can be, and I know that telling you "just relax" won't help, and it takes a lot of effort to shift away from these draining thoughts but it's definitely doable.



reflektors
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07 Jun 2014, 9:06 pm

I tend to attach the more I get closer to a person, but then I get scared because I've been hurt so many times by people who promised me they'd always be there and then suddenly they got tired of me, and started treating me badly. I was called annoying so many times and it was annoying because, I was nowhere near annoying. What they perceived as annoying was me trying to keep up the friendship. I have no trouble making friends, but keeping friends is much more challenging to me. I had a tendency for a long time to automatically attach and see everyone I met as a best friend, when in reality they didn't want the closeness I wanted. Lately, since losing another ex-friend, I've come to the conclusion that I probably overwhelm people with the way I come across and decided I needed to start just seeing people as just friend or acquaintance and not push my desires on them unless the feeling is mutual. I'm tired of making the effort with people who don't see me the same way I see them.

I am a recovering people pleaser, and I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore. It's what I've been working through in counseling for the last two years. I tend to worry way too much about what others think, and wanted friends and family to like me, love me and accept me for who I am. But I'm starting to realize that not everyone's going to do any of those things, and I just need to be happy and do the things I love, and not care what others think.



ayoungaspie
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30 Jun 2014, 2:25 pm

Lately I've been feeling even more distant from this group of friends, mainly because I haven't even had much contact with the friend out of that group I talked to the most (I often talked to him outside the circle of friends, and still wasn't included in the "clicky" stuff if you get what I mean by that). But lately I've felt like there really isn't much to talk about.

If I see that the three of them are going on a game together (always obvious because they go on the same game at the same time), I have a strong desire to be closer friends with them and be in the inner circle but feel helpless to do so. I want to ask to play with them but it feels awkward because I don't have regular contact and feels like I almost don't have the "right" to ask.

Has anyone got anything else to say which may be of consolation?