A stupid post about feeling stupid.

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I feel quite ashamed about posting this (mostly because I know it'll sound arrogant and whiny) but I sort of need to vent a bit and I'd like to hear your opinions on what I'm about to tell you.

I'm currently getting assessed for AS and today I had yet another session where I spent about two hours doing various tests included in WAIS-IV (did some last time I was there as well and I'll finish with the last ones next week). There are two tests I'd like to discuss here in this post (I hope that's ok). One of the tests was a bit like the IQ tests you can find online. The ones with patterns where you're supposed to figure out which picture is missing (not sure how to explain it). The other one was a test where the psychologist said words and I was supposed to explain them.

The pattern test went ok, I guess. I like that kind of tests. So far it's the only test where the psychologist has showed me the result right away (I have no idea how I scored on the other ones) and apparently I scored somewhere between 116 and 120 (my guess is 117). On a scale of 1 to 19 she said I scored a 14. To be honest I'm not really happy with that. I hold myself to impossibly high standards (different than the standards I hold other people to) and 117 is just not good enough. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure why I'm so arrogant and think I could do better. I think it might have something to do with the fact that all I've ever been good at has to do with learning things, studying and using my brain. I've always felt different, I've found social situations difficult, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years and years but "being smart" is something I've always been good at and it's something people have told me I am my whole life. Guess that stuck with me. However, nothing I do is ever good enough for me. I very often feel insufficient.

Anyway, what really makes me quite depressed right now is the other test. The one with the words. You see, I find it very difficult to translate my thoughts into words and I also have this huge fear of failure so even though I might know the answer to a question I won't answer it unless I'm absolutely sure I'm right. I hate guessing and I hate being wrong. I hate seeming stupid. That really messed things up today. I think I did really poorly on the vocabulary test. I couldn't even finish it because I sort of got an anxiety attack and shut down a bit (I got stuck on one word and couldn't move on, stopped focusing, I got really quiet, repeatedly touched a certain spot on the table in front of me, leaned over the table with my face buried in my arms etc). The psychologist said she was almost happy about that because it meant she could see how I get when I feel like that and since it happens when I study and stuff too I guess it's good she saw it. I feel like an idiot though. When I got home I looked up the word that made me shut down and of course I was right all along. I just couldn't get the words out.

I don't get why it's so difficult. I'm exhausted and now I sort of believe I've scored poorly on every single test. It feels like if WAIS-IV shows that I'm not as smart as people might think I am, I'll lose the only thing I've ever been good at. Do you know what I mean?

This is a stupid post and I'm sorry if I sound really arrogant or shallow. Kind of hate myself for feeling this way.

EDIT: Just want to clarify that I don't think that people with a score of 117 and lower are stupid. Like I said, I hold myself to completely different standards.

OP your worrying about nothing here is a report to worry about that I got the other week.

117 is almost two standard deviations above the mean! Ignore the people throwing around 160 IQs, they're mostly bluffing. 117 is smart!

The vocab test - hey, that's a part of having autism. The expert will know that we have communication difficulties that can stop us achieving scores that match our true ability.

An assessment for AS is not intended to be a test of intelligence - it is intended to be an assessment of the subject's characteristics. There is no pass mark and there is no fail mark - it is an 'assessment', not a test.

If, like so many others, you are simply in search of a diagnosis, then you don't need to do all these tests - there are lots of professionals who will give you the diagnosis of your choice for the appropriate fee.

The usual procedure when going to see a doctor is to describe the symptoms, and ask for the doctor's opinion.

If you already have your own opinions about things such as WAIS-IV (whatever that means...) then I think it is unlikely that you will ever be satisfied with a professional diagnosis which does not agree with your own self-diagnosis.

Your post echoed who I was when I first got my test.

There is no way to confirm a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome - there are no physical or chemical symptoms, there is no way to confirm a mis-wired brain.

All we have is an unconventional set of behaviours.

This is not stupid. Stop hating yourself. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do your best, and perfectionism (I assume this is perfectionism and not OCD or something) is a personality trait that can be very positive, but it can also cause problems if you obsess about it too much, as you experienced during the assessment.

You had anxiety problems that will effect your score, so there's no reason to feel stupid or worth less. It's like taking a test while you have the flu; the flu would probably effect your test score, so you shouldn't see the score as an accurate reflection of your intellect.

However, you can work on preventing this from happening again by taking greater control over the negative aspects of perfectionism. Mentally commit yourself to not taking things so seriously so that you don't panic. If you really want to do your best, promise not to sabotage yourself, and create reminders for yourself if you think that you might forget your promise. Concentrate on doing what you need to do, and refuse to pay attention to worrying thoughts about your performance and worthlessness. Keep your drive, but tone down the negative emotions. Retain a healthy goal; trying to manipulate your image or please someone else are unhealthy goals, but a sense of accomplishment is a healthy target. It also helps to do something relaxing before a scheduled test.

Also, keep tests in perspective: they are only brief snapshots of your ability. People are susceptible to variable test results because their mood and health vary slightly from day to day. Maybe you should consider giving more consideration to longer-term activities (such as homework, job duties, personal projects, game scores, etc.) as reflections of your intellectual ability because they will be more accurate and precise since you do them often and more leisurely than tests.

You are who you are. Those tests are bureaucratized means of shoving people into categories they can label.

From your post You're smart and kind and maybe come across as a little anxious and shy but hey, that's cute.

Holding yourself to higher standards is another way of describing self-image/self-criticism..which is something very common of anxiety.

It's not easy but relax, forget about the result of the tests and just take them being 100% honest. Let the psychologist person worry about the results

I failed my driving test 10 times (Yes I counted) I passed it when I after I started taking antidepressants.

I know how you feel: after my assessment, my IQ score came back as 111, and that made me feel kind of stupid. What brought it down was the nonverbal subtest: I only got a 94 on it; my vocab score was 134. I keep thinking if only I'd been better at those stupid block puzzles, or if only I'd focused more on the shape test (there were at least three answers where I answered too quickly and realised a split second after responding that they were wrong) then it would have been higher. Don't beat yourself up over it, 117 is in the "above average" range, which is better-sounding than "high average" let me tell you. Your therapist was right in a way though, when she said it was good to see what you look like under stress; this gives her a better understanding of your overall coping skills, which are important to consider when diagnosing autism, because you can have every autistic symptom in the DSM 5, but if they don't affect you enough to impair your functioning, you don't have AS. Good luck with the rest of the assessment, I'm interested to hear what other tests you take

That's why I'm glad I never had the WAIS until I was about 30. Otherwise, I might not have aimed for something ambitious when I was young (and which I did accomplish).

My full-scale score was 112, but the sub-test scores had 4 s.d. of range, which is pretty out-there. If your sub-test scores are abnormally varied then the full-scale score is basically meaningless. It's most accurate for even sub-test score that are near the mean.) So, if you're doing math or writing poetry from the wrong part of your brain (or whatever it is) then normal testing won't rate your potential accurately against normal people. So, I wouldn't take the testing too seriously, if that's at all possible.