Phobia

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So I just thought I'd write this quickly, in part just to sort out my own thoughts because this has kind of been bugging me for days. I dislike being touched by anyone, male or female. I am more able to deal with touching other girls when I'm the one to initiate contact, but it's a no-go with guys even then. I always need to rub my hand on something afterward to replace one touch sensation with another. I think it's probably different for the different genders because with girls, it's mostly just hypersensitivity, but with guys, it's probably exacerbated by mild phobia. Among other things, I had some kind of lousy experiences with bullying by boys when I was younger. I go back and forth about whether I want to try to make an effort to change that, and if so how I'd do it (since it's really weird to try touching random guys and most of my closest guy friends live out of state). And I'm just really fixated on this right now because with the whole Santa Barbara thing, I think it only reinforces the phobia. I've been fixated on it for days, unfortunately. So... I dunno. I feel kind of lost.

I don't quite understand what sort of response you want. There's little or no objective need for you to touch people, so if you don't have a personal reason to make yourself uncomfortable in this fashion, don't change. For necessary contact like hand-shaking at job interviews, you can rely on the rubbing your hands on other things afterward that you mentioned.

i was afraid of guys due to having a verbally abusive dad. i then had a wonderful male boss who changed my perspective. try making some new guy friends.

Yeah, I don't really know what sort of response I'm looking for either. I just wrote this because I've been obsessing on the topic for the past three days, so I figured let's try writing something and seeing if that makes you feel better. That said, though, I don't really like being phobic about this. It seems (at least to me) like a kind of basic thing that I should try to get over.

I actually have a lot of guy friends. I just can't stand being touched by any of them. I think I have more long-term male friendships than female ones, actually.

Violence has been a major factor in my life for as long as I can remember. It's always just been a normal part of my life. As such, I remain perfectly calm even when I'm watching somebody get choked or beaten with a blunt object. However, when that violence is directed at me, I have a history of doing some somewhat extreme and (in the opinion of some people alarming) things.

I thought it was interesting that so many news outlets spun it as purely a women's issue. He stabbed three asian, male computer science students & shot three female students. Two of the asian guys he stabbed were his roommates, The other four victims were just strangers. I watched his video manifesto and skimmed his written manifesto entitled "My Twisted World". I know people like him. One tried to stab me a couple years ago & in a couple weeks I'm getting off probation for taking the psycho down.

To say that this validates a fear of males is like saying it validates a fear of half-asians (because he was half asian) or a fear of aspies (because it's been reported that he had asperger's). The fact of the matter is that people (regardless of race, sex, religion or neurological makeup) periodically kill people. You can't stop it. So, (if you're like me) you learn to deffend yourself. I took Taekwondo classes for about four years, the martial arts academy I went to closed down recently, but I met two two Brazillian jiu-jitsu instructors & my principal knows a guy who teaches krav-maga. I got my first gun for my tenth birthday & I've been shooting since I was about five or six years old. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon at the moment, but fortunately, I've prepared myself to fight off armed attackers even if I'm unarmed. I suggest you get some training too. It might help with your anxiety.

The person who tried to stab me just happened to be a teenage girl with a history of extreme mental illness (though nobody ever gave me her specific diagnosis) & violent outbursts. I'm kind of apprehensive around females (and by "apprehensive" I mean whenever I'm around one who isn't related to me, I'm mentally working out what I should do if they become violent) because my mom was a meth addict and I have a history of bad interactions with females, but intellectually I understand that most of them aren't much more dangerous than the average guy.

Just my own experiences...

I'm not great with physical contact but I tend to be worse with contact from men. I've not been abused or anything and I've never really understood why I'm like this.

I've been to a couple of Meet and Greets with my favourite singer and this issue I have with physical contact has made things a little bit awkward. He's a lovely man, really gentle and kind but when he has put his arm around me in the past for the photograph (as is the norm at these kind of things) I've practically jumped out of my skin. I'm paranoid that I'll have offended him even though he's always reacted in a very kindly and reassuring manner. I enjoy meeting and talking to him and I'd like to meet him again in the future but how can I deal with this kind of situation so I don't run the risk of offending him?

That's actually a really interesting idea - taking tae kwon do classes or something. I used to take some aikido classes when I was in Japan, but it's been a year or two, and I only took classes then for a couple months. Getting back into some form of martial arts might also be good exercise. As for it validating a phobia, I know it's totally irrational and makes no sense. Unfortunately, that's kind of how phobias work. I'm not saying it's justified at all. Rationally, I know it's not. That's part of the reason I want to get over it.

I am trying to understand why you are calling this a phobia. You posted that it's mostly just hypersensitivity with women, but with men it's related to being bullied by boys in the past. What exactly are you phobic about?

I am asking because I have witnessed several instances, some here on WP, in which women post about a general fear and distrust of men, and people are as*holes to them and tell them that they are the problem and act like men are just as safe to be around as anyone else, which the entirety of human history proves to be blatantly false. If you have some specific phobia, then this doesn't really apply to you. But if you have fear and distrust of, or just plain old disgust with men in general, unless you live in some social paradise I've never heard of, you are justified in your feelings. As a group, men are far more violent and manipulative in certain ways, and the type of touching they do tends to be creepy and degrading in ways that one would never observe in women. I just don't want to see another person's self-preservation instincts being written off as a personal problem.

Which is why I made my previous response about needing to change vs. wanting to change. Don't push yourself out of your comfort zone in allegiance to some abstract ideal that you should be comfortable with touching or being touched by people. Do what is best for your actual life as you physically live it.

I am not sure why you call it a phobia either.
I do not like to be touched without permission. What gives anybody the right to go around touching people without permission? Do I do it? Very rarely...usually only in environments I could not be heard. How do popular people deal with it? You do not see their buddies touching them continually.

People who invade your personal space for personal reasons (against your will) are showing a lack of personal boundaries.
So far this has been a good criteria for some people to be put on my "never to be my friend" list.
I do/did often make it clear I am on the spectrum. I "bristle", I glare (work on it in front of a mirror). I look approachable but not "sweet". (If you really want spacial respect, go goth, lol). A few people are permitted to touch me but the rest of the world might not get the desired reaction, so ask first!
I had therapy so my old reaction is not my first reaction anymore. If somebody merely touched my arm to get my attention they might've been struck, or chewed out, or bolted away from. When I was a kid I would hold on until my nails dug in.
People do learn to keep their distance.
But really, I can be quite snuggly with the right person!

Personally, I don't like being touched by anyone, male or female. But I'm trying to overcome my issues with touch because I've found that I really want to be able to show affection to my friends and family in as way that makes us both comfortable. Many of my friends are touchy and overly affectionate, so its only fair that we both find a middleground. Its actually one of the reasons I find females harder to be friends with - many females seem to think its totally appropriate to invade others' personal space even if they don't know that person very well. Men, in general, tend to keep their distance (especially when it comes.to women). Well, at least in my experience.

I'm now beginning to like hugs from certain people, but it took me a long time to get to that stage and I think it always will as I'm generally not that affectionate (especially when I don't really know the person that well).