Consent or Rape?

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I just got back from a visit with my brother. He was bragging about his sexual exploits when I asked him whether going up to a girl and asking her if she wants to have sex is an appropriate thing to say. He told me that he usually just invites the girl back to his place and starts kissing and has sex as long as she doesn't protest. Is this correct behavior or is that borderline rape? Also, what's wrong with asking the girl directly?

it's fairly unusual to actually ask permission. no, i wouldn't consider what your brother does to be rape, as long as he would stop if she seemed uncomfortable or said, "no" or "stop."

If you ask a girl to have sex the answer is always no, it's equivalent to asking "are you are slut, if so can we f**k?" The mythology around sex is that you should just be "in tune" or "in the moment" i.e. romantic(ish). Even in the context of a long term relationship verbally asking for sex is frowned upon, it's seen as needy or crass and will be replied to with "do you even like me or do you just want to f**k." Unfortunately not only is implied consent the norm but explicit consent isn't even a viable option.

This is absolutely untrue. If a woman wants sex she knows how to say yes (and if she doesn't, then you're best off leaving her alone). Liking sex does not make a woman a slut. And "may I do this" "may I do that" can be incredibly hot if you do it well. It also allows the woman to say, "I'd rather not" if she doesn't.

It goes the other way, too. I never assume a man wants to have sex unless we're already sleeping together, and even then, if he doesn't seem enthusiastic, I'll ask.

Sherlock, if your brother's pre-apartment routine involves drinks, he'd be smart to ask. Nothing at all is wrong with asking her directly.

Erm.. If unsure, you should ask. At certain times of the month you might get a 'no' for good reasons, but that leaves three consecutive weeks (plus change) of positive answers (if you play your proverbial cards right) even if you aren't promiscuous.

The wording of the question could do with some work. If you're already trading saliva and nibbling at one another "do you want me to stop?" does the trick quite nicely without presuming sluttery on the part of your lady (or whatever) accomplice.

as I have a hard time reading non verbal communication this is a big concern with me. what is the best way to ask? I tend to ask if it is ok lot when kissing and cuddling. when i had been with a girl. I don't know what the signs to move to other stuff would be without asking :S

What your brother does is normal.

What you mentioned is not.

I'd say its only harassment or rape if he forces himself on them or pressures them against their will....but I think typically a lot of times when people have sex they just kinda start going at it when it gets to be that moment or whatever and if either party is uncomfortable with things going that direction then the other has to respect that....though sometimes people willingly have sex and regret it later, or sometimes the person uncomfortable might not say so or express that in which case the other party likely cannot read their mind.

I'd think that would depend on how you know the person...I mean if someone I was interested in and had spent some time with asked me that I would not be offended...especially if they where just wanting to find out if I'd be intrested. Sure it might seem akward because its like if people are dating or getting to know each other with intentions of getting in a relationship its more normal if say you get together and it just sort of mutually happens....but in that context I doubt they'd be meaning thats all they care about. Now say I am having a beer at a bar and someone starts talking to me and after a bit of chit chat they ask me that then yeah I'd be uncomfortable...and take it more to mean they think I'd just have sex with anyone or just see me as some object to have sex with.

Never ever asked anybody for sex. As I'm mostly asexual, I've solved this so my wife always needs to initiate is she wants sex.

I noticed on all the local College campuses they have posters saying essentially "if you don't get a yes, it's sexual assault". Even ol' clueless me figured out a long time ago regardless of that poster, women don't want to be 'asked' and will make it clear if they don't wish to continue. Of course, in my case I am usually the one who puts up the stop sign first. Being poor at reading non-verbal cues, I would usually start by slipping my hand closer and closer. If there is no resistance, that's usually a very good sign.

That is dangerous if you're poor at reading non-verbal cues. It's best to ask.

True but I want to emphasize I was very slow when I did it. It's not like I went into the forbidden zone right away: I circled the border first. Still, you are right that in many cases it IS better to ask.

Oh honestly, unless you're trying to screw a teenager or a religious cult member, we also know how to say "I'm on my period." (A remarkable number of people don't care, just fetch towels.) So long as you don't react with "EWWWW" all should be well. (Flashing back to a guy who described the woman who relieved him of his virginity as "bleeding like a stuck pig." <- how not to phrase it)

I never "ask" a woman if she wants to make love. I just let her draw me into her.

A woman's body has a way of conveying want. If she is not lubricated naturally, she's not ready for me. If her nether regions begin to grip me, then I KNOW she desires it.

I certainly would not want to have sex in that state, not only is the bloody stuff a bit gross but CRAMPS! somehow I don't think having sex would help that, if anything i feel like it would make it worse.