Misunderstood?

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Hey everyone,

I wanted to know if you often get mistaken for being a b****? This may seem like a weird question but I'm told I come of as b****y(or a lesbian) because I'm distance and detached when talking. I think im friendly(maybe not friendly, exactly) but apparently I'm the only one who thinks that :s. I want to know if other women have this problem?

Kala

I think that people often think that I am aloof and not interested in them. I hate that, but I am not much of a talker, so I just don't come over well sometimes.

Once they get to know me better, if they make the effort, they realise that I'm just shy and a bit awkward.

I don't think I'm the most approachable person in the world. I think people are put off by how I carry myself. In high school, I remember a guy said he was afraid to talk to me because he thought I looked angry. We eventually became friends though. Another friend of mine said she thought I was a "freak" when she first met me. I guess I just make a bad first impression, but I'm otherwise an acceptable person.

Oh, and I have been mistaken for a lesbian as well. It has to do with the fact that I hardly ever talk about guys and I'm perpetually single. I can see why someone might make that assumption.

I get this a lot, and have always been confused /overwhelmed when I find out, because ordinarily it is from someone I may have felt particularly intimidated by, thus resulting in my trying harder to please them- which I just recently figured out after being married 8 years, it is perceived as an attack even though that's not eve close to what you were thinking.

This in part has to be part of where my I intended b-word first impression comes from:

It happens to me, too.

Thats exactly how I am. My partner knew me in high school and he says that I always came across as snobby and like I thought I was better than everyone else. He also thought I was from a privileged background. This is totally not the case and he had no idea how much I envied the girls who were confident and privileged.

Lol all of you have the same problem as me. I've tried beening really friendly but am told i come off as weird, drugged or crazy when I do, so I'm not sure what the solution is...

This is me too. People misinterpret me, judge me incorrectly and I'm burdened with the negative fall out. This is why i'm a hermit. Harsh Irony is when I tried to make friends I get treated rudely and rejected which I don't really mind because rejection isn't really a loss but I do mind the rudeness. I thought we were supposed to be the blunt ones.

I have Resting B Face, for sure. I dress 'plainly' and I know that makes me seem a certain way as well.

People are very weird about other people's clothing. Apparently clothing has lots of meanings? To me, fabric mostly.

I am not 'soft and sweet' looking so do get asked if a lesbian sometimes. Have to say 'sorry nope'. Only a few people were angry about this.

I honestly can't figure NT people out. There's just a million things they judge each other on and I don't understand most of it. There are some women at church who wouldn't talk to me- big church so no big deal really- but it bothers me because I can't figure out WHY.

I think maybe people know SOMETHING is off but they see a middle-aged woman so their first thought isn't 'Autism' it's 'snotty' 'stuck up' or even worse!! !

I've been reading C G Jung of late. There's an entire sub conscious world within each of us and it communicates in a silent manner. I've come to feel that the social signaling we find so mysterious and frustrating is part of that silent manner - and we're speaking a foreign language. Sort of an inner social dyslexia.

We don't send out the same signals and we often can't perceive theirs. We take years and years to learn these things and go through a lot of torment in the process. Even when we do learn a code - it might suddenly change! They think we don't feel, or care...but I think we do. We get hurt and resentful...and it can take decades to learn how to socialize.

Being in my sixties now, I'm starting to gain the privilege of being called eccentric - rather than weird (the moniker of my youth)...The only cure for RBF is smiling - even when you don't feel like it - just doing it as a social exercise. Learning to modulate the voice helps as well - it's a conscious effort. NTs learned all this stuff pre-verbally. I learned to smile in my twenties and thirties - not well at first - I think I was pretty off putting socially in those years; the careful cultivation of a Mona Lisa look takes a lot of practice. But now it's the opposite and for the most part people now say they find me approachable - in fact, they will come up and ask questions because I seem to give off 'that safe vibe' (this was not the case when I was young - no one approached me in those years) - it's not sexual...just safe.

Oh yes indeed, so do I. And it's definitely a disadvantage. Unless I don't want anyone to bother me.

In high school I was told,"I used to think you were snobby and stuck up, but you really aren't that at all." After getting to know another girl in my English class. Other people in her group said some stuff along those lines as well. But it was just me being quiet and unsure of myself.

I also have been asked if I am a lesbian. This may have been because I dress androgynously (not sure if that's a word).

I often go through aggressive patterns of thinking due to the incidents where I end up feeling slighted, ignored or insulted by someone in public or more privately, etc... I certainly feel misunderstood as well, but I can also see in hindsight (most of the time), how good I am at generating these misunderstandings, taking someone's behaviour out of context. I have an unfortunate knack of seeing the worst in people before the best... long before the best! I feel my language is a blunt instrument in real life that often cripples my chances at making connections before they've even began.

NTs seem to have a need for everyone to "slobber" over each other--that is--to be very demonstrative a lot. I don't see the need for excessive displays. I have been taken as being snotty or aloof. I don't mind the aloof part, as that means basically that you keep to yourself, but keeping to yourself does not automatically mean you are snotty. It just means you like to keep to yourself. Yes, I do like to keep to myself, but will interact with others when I feel like it, or when there is a need to do so. I don't care to engage in a lot of affectionate displays, as it seems phony to me. I also don't seek out people to engage in conversations much, as again, I prefer my own company. I am a hermit type person, but non-social, not anti-social. I don't see anything wrong with being a hermit type person, as long as you are not anti-social. Show me the law that says I have to engage in social contact with everyone who crosses my path.

This is the phenomena I have been speaking of. Women are expected to be overtly warm and friendly, significantly more so than men, and are assumed to be an enemy when they are not. This places an undue burden for women on the spectrum.

Once I learned of this, in the past I would spend a disproportionate amount of effort trying to appease others who felt they were entitled to more warmth and friendliness from me. These days, I'm more inclined not to. If I feel I have to "walk on eggshells" around someone, meaning, mind my every movement, tone, and expression in often fruitless attempts not to upset them, they are not worth my time and energy.

Personally I think the solution is to make an effort to be civil but not friendly beyond your means to do so naturally, and if people have a problem with it, let them think you are a b!tch, because overly emotional people who feel entitled to be mothered by you are not worth your energy.

I'm very quiet in real-life, but online where I'm more talkative when I'm playing video games with others I've heard this once or twice.

I like to joke around and I can be very direct with what I say. This might come across like I'm trying to tell others what to do or think that my opinion is more important, but that's not true. I know I can't expect this from others, but I always hope that people will just speak up if they have something to add.