He insults people... I'm scared.

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My boyfriend has aspergers. Sometimes when someone is doing something he doesn't like, he insults them by calling them a p****, c*nt, f*ggot, and other names under that category.

For example, if he is cooking with someone and they are doing it wrong or slow, he will call them names and a fight will break out. He also hates all cops and whenever a cop drives by, he flips the middle finger to them or sticks his tongue to them while making faces. I asked him if he would insult them to their face and he said yes.

He told me he would do this to cops because they're abusive and an incident that happened with him and the cops... one time, he stood on a very tall pole, the ones that let out a siren to let people know there is a tsunami or something. Cops came by, told him to get down because they thought he was going to commit suicide. They asked him what his name was and he refused to tell them and insulted them. Then the cops held him hard against a fence, I guess they felt offended, and then brought him to psychward. He got out the next day.

Whenever he does things like this to cops or random people, he cries afterwards and I comfort him the best I can and try my best to explain to him that he shouldn't insult people the way he does, that I know he means no harm and he just needs to find the right words. Like if someone is cooking bad with him, he doesn't need to call them names, instead he can tell them they can do better and maybe offer help. And I told him to just leave the cops alone. He listened to me and told me I'm right, that there are better ways dealing with his trauma from the cops but I still haven't been able to convince him to stop calling random people names.

2 incidents happened this week. Last night I told him "What if you come across the wrong person, insult them, and then they take it the wrong way and hurt you?" He said "I don't care if I get hurt,"

I'm scared. That is my biggest fear-- that one day, he will insult someone and they will hurt him for it. He doesn't want a therapist (he use to have one but he didnt like them.) He's pretty antisocial, the only people in his social life are his parents, sister and me because he doesn't like too much people. What do I do? I can't always be there to explain to people that he doesn't mean it. We've been dating for 2 years. I'm scared...

Last edited by Frmeepy on 28 Jun 2014, 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Have you told him about your fear that he might get hurt if he continues with this? I had a similar discussion with my son and told him he might get beat-up if he ontinues provoking people, and he eventually understood this and now is a lot more cautious.

Just give him the possible result of this, getting beaten up. If that doesn't work either, I'm lost what to do.

You could always tell him you don't want any part of his stupidity in your life & that's why you're breaking up with him and moving on. That is an option.

There is no way I'd stick around in a relationship with someone who acted like that towards others & was as hypocritical as to complain about being abused by cops yet thinks he's justified in abusing cops.

There may be better ways than playing devil's advocate, and you may not intend to play devil's advocate, but it may feel that way to him. An alternative is to give him the gift of letting him be Ghandhi, let him be the reasonable middle person, with you still be true to your values. It's tricky. But I think one goal is to just take a deep breath and try less hard.

I'll give you an example, all through junior high and high school, I had a friend who was probably either on the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum or Spectrum-friendly. We lived in the same neighborhood, met in the same boy scout troop. Our neighborhood was right at the edge of the school district, and the boy scouts were actually across the line in the other district. So, we were some of the few boys from our school in that troop. Anyway, my friend's original parents had serious medical issues and unemployment and he was a foster child who lived with a foster family. He didn't like some of the rules in his new familly. Sometimes he had issues with his new dad. Just off-the-cuff, I picked up something from a book title about the UT football program and called his dad "The Meat on the Hoof." He liked that! It was an insult. But it wasn't hugely cutting. It was a clever insult. And in that fashion, I think I carried some of the burden for my friend.

This seems like the wisest option to me, base on what you say about the guy.

Btw, those cops didn't abuse him. He was lucky not to have been charged, and they seem to have given him the benefit of the doubt and that his actions were due to a mental health problem rather than him being deliberately foolish and obstructive.

Personally it would not make me want to continue a relationship with this person. Guys that can't control their temper or agression, and show these kinds of meaningless disrespectful behaviours towards others raise immediate red flags with me.

+1000

He may not be a bad person but he probably has a warped perception issue based on various experience he had throughout his life. IEPs & other school behavior reports from when I was a kid said I was very quick to assume others were being mean to me & quick to fight back, i never admitted fault & I had an explanation for all my bad behavior. Part of the problem was I had a warped perception due to my Aspergers & other issues & I really was teased & physically bullied alot in school so I was naturally quick to assume others were & felt a need to stand up for myself. I got frustrated very quickly when trying to stand up for myself when I felt others were dismissing me or blaming me which caused me to have an Aspie meltdown & I lashed out verbally & caused bad tantrums. Perhaps it's something like this with the OPs guy. I grew aLOT sense I was a kid & I quit acting out like that as my circumstances improved & I felt like I was no longer a target or victim. Joining WP & learning about Aspergers really helped me alot too.

He sounds like a complete jerk.

Thanks everyone for your reponses

So wait. Are some of you saying that this isn't common behavior for some people with aspergers?

No it isn't common for Asperger's people. He sounds like a spoiled child who has never had to face consequences.

If he keeps it up he will eventually learn by being hurt, jailed, or if he goes far enough killed.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a person with so little regard for well being. You could be a victim right along with him if you are present when he does something too antisocial.

No, it isn't really common behaviour for Aspies.

Although, the disdain for authority figures is an adhd thing, possibly aspie. But it sounds like his inability to control his impulses and his choice of words are more like symptoms of tourettes.

No matter what way you slice it, what diagnosis you want to attribute his behaviour to.. it sounds like he's an immature a-hole that I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

I see...

I didn't mention this, I should have. He doesn't do this all the time. It usually happens less than 5 times a year, usually when he's surrounded by a bunch of people and he'll have those random meltdowns where he curses at people when he thinks they're doing something wrong.

Like one time, at my graduation, he was in the audience watching me. There were no air horns allowed at my class graduation and someone that was right behind him had one and kept blowing it off for their kid. The air horn was going off in his ear (air horns are very loud.), he got frustrated, stood up, cursed at them and snatched the air horn away. An argument broke out but a security stopped them. Those are the kinds of things he does most of the time-- I tell him there are other ways to handle those kinds of situations, such as telling the guy to put his air horn away. That's why I kinda thought that all of this had to do with his aspergers since people say that people with aspergers have a hard time dealing with communication and social issues... So yeah... I'm gonna straight up talk to him about this tonight. We never really had a true conversation about this issue, it was just me telling him how a certain situation that happened could have been handled well.

Oh and the cooking thing I mentioned in my original post was just an example, it never happened. Here's what really happened this week:

He's doing this foreign activity with a group of people for a few weeks. Yesterday he told me that they were all practicing a foreign dance that they are going to perform next week. He said that everyone there didn't seem to be interested and that they were just fooling around and they kept messing up the whole dance. Then apparently he got annoyed and told the people that messed it up that they are c***s and dicks.

The other day, he was sitting in a private hallway to talk to me on the phone and a bunch of teen girls kept running in and out of the elevator screaming and playing around. He got angry and angrily yelled at them "Get back in the elevator and go away!" the teens ran back in, left, and then apparently a big guy confronted him about it and that's when I got scared that he would get beat up.

I don't do any of that. I am shy and avoid confrontations. I don't like violence. I am close to be a pacifist. though I am willing to use violence to defend my or others lives

as for cops I have both ADHD and aspergers I don't have disdain for authority figures. I get anxious around them though.

Hmm, his reactions to these things could be impulsive meltdown reactions that are in fact part of his AS.

And I suppose he's not all bad if it's a meltdown or freakout every couple months or so.

But still, even though I've behaved like that a bit in the past & realize full well that it's likely beyond his conscious control when it just happens in the moment... I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Either he would figure out better ways to cope, or treat his symptoms etc or I'd be breaking up with him. I wouldn't want to put up with crap like that from a significant other *unless* he was otherwise perfectly ideal for me and putting up with an outburst here or there was just part of the whole package.. but even then, I don't think I could be with someone that did s**t like that regularly.